Columbo

I didn't say you were the murderer. I said if you were the murderer.

Wait, listen!

His accident was not an accident.

Will you give me proof, Lieutenant?

Believe me, I've been an absolute bundle of nerves.

Check.

I wish I could figure out someone who would benefit from his death.

He was given his necessary injections 40 minutes ago.

Did anyone else see those lists?

No.

Someone with intent to murder packed his bags.

I think that is a possibility, yes, sir.

He is despicable.

It could've been a perfect murder.

Sir, Mr.Clayton, sir.

I don't suppose any Grand Master actually relaxes the evening before a match.

Can you tell us what your schedule is for tonight?

Well, this evening, a small martini perhaps, a large steak definitely,

and a good horror movie if there's one close by.

Sir, are you telling us you're not concerned about tomorrow's game?

Chess is never merely a game, my friend.

And as for tomorrow, well for me, it's just one more match.

No, please don't quote me on that.

Tomlin Dudek will, I'm sure, prove a most worthy adversary.

After all, he was champion of the world for many years,

and I'm certain that he'll be giving it his all.

Mr.Clayton?

Mr.Clayton?

Do you know what the reporters from Dudek's country are saying?

They are saying that you could not become champion,

you never would have been champion...

Oh, that again.

If Tomlin Dudek hadn't gotten sick and hadn't had to retire five years ago.

Yes, I've heard and read some of you gentlemen speculating about that a bit.

Most unpatriotic, you know. Come morning,

we'll all be settling our lingering little doubts, won't we?

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Hey, how about a picture of the two of you together?

Yeah.

Ah, so the living legend appears.

Excuse me, please. Which way is the dining room?

- Not now. - Please gentlemen, please.

Please no more interviews this evening, please.

Mr.Clayton. There's the world's most legendary chess genius,

comes out of retirement just to play you and you're not even curious...

Curiosity breeds sympathy, my friend.

And sympathy is one emotion...

a champion cannot afford on the night before the match.

Tomlin Dudek will have mine soon enough.

Well, Mr.Clayton. Good luck on tomorrow morning's match.

Thank you.

Take care.

Excuse me. Excuse me, please.

Thank you. Thank you.

Mr.Dudek goes directly back to his room.

He needs his rest. I'm sure you understand.

I'm sure they won't bother you anymore. Are you all right?

I... I am fine. Are you all right? Huh?

I saw you looking at Clayton with such daggers, such emotion.

He is despicable. He always was and he always will be.

You'll beat him, Mr.Dudek.

You will beat him at the only thing he really cares about.

So much emotion. So, my little arranger of chess matches...

you go with the others. Have something good to eat. Go dancing.

Have a good time, huh?

I only need something to read, maybe some fresh tobacco.

But I...

Please.

Okay.

Mr.Clayton?

You are Emmett Clayton, of course.

What a nice coincidence.

Hardly.

You noticed me in the hotel lobby just as I noticed you.

And naturally, you knew I'd see you slip away, that I'd be curious,

wondering what my opponent was up to on the night before our match.

You are very clever. Linda Robinson has told me a great deal about you.

She was correct.

Was she?

Oh please, please sit down.

I only mention her as the person who arranged our little match,

not as your ex-fiancee.

Her mother and I were very, very good friends in the old country.

So I didn't think you would be upset if I mentioned her name.

I must warn you, Mr.Dudek.

I'm very aware of your blatant psychological warfare,

and quite immune to it.

Immune, you say.

Then why did you follow me here?

Oh please, please, never mind. Never mind.

I'll let you in on a little secret. There is something to which I am not immune,

and here they have the best in the whole town.

The hotel bellboy guarantees it.

Escargot. Snails.

Snails stuffed with butter and garlic. Good wine, French bread and snails.

Please. Please, Mr.Clayton, I ask only your good company, huh?

I'm very honored, sir.

Oh, incidentally, I saw you slip out of the hotel at lunchtime, too.

It is just that reactionary food which my doctor makes me eat in my room.

He goes to the fancy dining room.

I must eat sugar substitutes, everything low calories.

They aren't going to harm you in any way, are they?

Of course not. I take my medications.

It is only that Berozski, you know, our leader, my coach, my nursemaid,

he's terrified that I will lose my concentration,

that I will disgrace our country,

that I will crack my tired brain. Who knows?

Well, chess is the ultimate test of the human mind, isn't it?

You think so? I always thought it was women.

Hmm. Queen's pawn opening.

Do I expect that tomorrow?

Queen's gambit.

Decline.

Check.

Your rook checks my king.

You are very aggressive. I heard that about you.

Don't think I haven't studied every one of your games.

So, I move my king to Queen one. And... now...

Damn music.

But it's very good that you have that.

Then you are deaf to everything except your own concentration.

Doubles it.

But you heard me say that?

I can lip read when I want to.

S'il vous plait. Gentlemen, please.

And now it's my turn.

Check.

All right. Come on.

I can't concentrate in a snail pit, anyway.

Wait, wait, Clayton. I just happened to think something else.

You know, if we go into the lobby and Berozski sees me,

he will put me to bed like a baby.

It's not good.

Also, if he sees us together the night before the match is also not good.

Well, there must be some other way in. Come on.

Yes? What in the blazes do you want?

Mr.Clayton, excuse me. I am Berozski. Mazoor Berozski.

I took the liberty of calling you several times, sir, but you were out.

Why?

I was merely looking for Mr.Dudek.

I thought perhaps he had dropped by to meet his eminent adversary.

On the night before the match? Oh come now, Berozski.

These little ploys of yours to interrupt my sleep are about as subtle as a train wreck.

Don't you know where your man is?

Mr.Clayton, I apologize. It was just a small misunderstanding.

Please believe me. It's just that the hotel is so large, sir.

My apologies truly. Good night, sir. Good night.

I know that man. He's probably already called the police, the military, the FBI.

Come on, it's your move.

Ah yes, yes. My move.

So,

and my queen will take your knight.

Surely, you expected that?

And then your pawn must take my queen.

Otherwise, my queen would take your bishop,

and you would be down two pieces.

Then, my rook takes your rook. Check.

And then you must interpose your bishop at king one,

and then my bishop will take your pawn,

threatening your queen.

And therefore your queen must take my bishop,

at which point my rook takes your bishop. Checkmate.

Oh, please, please. Never mind. Never mind.

It's just a bit of luck. It's nothing.

You have been distracted all evening, I could see that.

Yes.

Perhaps there is one too many beautiful ladies here,

like Linda Robinson perhaps?

Tomorrow will be better when we both concentrate.

Please.

But you're exhausted. You have been drinking.

Please.

Rest yourself, my friend.

I jump you, you jump me. That's no good.

Oh, take your time, Lieutenant.

On a Sunday morning, what else would I be doing except sleeping late,

playing with my kids, watching a ball game.

Doc, I'm terribly sorry to get you down here like that,

but believe me, I've been an absolute bundle of nerves.

Forget it. Go ahead, jump me.

Doc, you sure he's going to be all right?

I told you, that's the mildest anesthetic in the book.

Boy, you know my wife went to visit her mother for a few days,

and it's like everything was waiting for her to leave so it could happen to me.

First the kitchen sink and then the pilot light in the stove.

I don't even know what a pilot light is.

And this thing wakes me up at six a.m. scratching that ear.

Scratch, scratch, scratch, always the same ear.

Last night, I gotta tell you about last night.

Well, I'm surprised that he could reach it.

What?

Foxtails, Lieutenant. I spend half my life pulling those out.

And of course, with a low-slung model like yours,

well, he just scoops them up like a vacuum cleaner.

He'll be around in a minute or two.

Vacuum cleaner. That reminds me, I didn't vacuum the rug.

Well anyway, last night. Last night, that was the worst.

First time in two years I figure I'd finally get to go bowling.

My friend, Harry, is outside.

He's ready to go. He's honking the horn.