Making History

It's over here. It's over here. I stashed it over here.

I think it's over here.

Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm faster than you.

What are you talking about? - Man, I smoked you.

I'm wearing loafers.

Why would you wear loafers to kill Hitler?

It's called a "fall look."

Yeah, I did that, too, with my hat.

Dan, get in the bag! - Yep, yep, yep, yep.

I wanted to kill Hitler when he was young,

before he was surrounded by all those Nazis, but...

Chris had a real problem with stabbing a baby.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Ooh!

Do you think that smashed raccoon belongs to anyone?

Yes. I think someone probably claimed it.

Anyway, my trip wasn't a total waste.

I stole Hitler's spoon!

Did that stop World War II?

No, no. But I mean, think about it.

He comes downstairs in the morning,

he wants a bowl of cereal... It's a total disaster.

There's no way he realizes

he has no spoon before he pours the milk.

What a mild annoyance.

It's got to be so mild.

Hear ye, hear ye.

This time travel meeting is now called to order.

Any ideas for our next mission? Actually,

I've come up with a way to stop 9/11.

Really? I was reading an article

that said that Mark Wahlberg believes

that had he been on one of those planes,

it never would have happened.

Okay. So it got me thinking.

Why don't we go back...

and put Mark Wahlberg on one of those planes?

That is a bad plan.

Look, guys, after what happened to Davey...

Oh, was Davey the young British man

you exploded in Colonial times?

Yes, it was. And now I feel like

I owe the universe something huge in return.

We aren't very good at time traveling.

We almost ruined the American Revolution,

and the Hitler thing didn't work.

Or so I... gather.

I wasn't invited. You were invited.

It's just you're not a real person,

so it's hard to get, like, information for a passport.

Yeah. And no explanation needed.

I... I'm not mad about it at all.

You seem a little mad.

Regardless, it's too much pressure

to try and take on all the world's problems at once.

She's got a point, Chris.

Guys, come on. We have a great power.

And with great power comes...

Great responsibility.

Oh, Spider-Man.

So good. He's got a point, Deb.

We have to take it slow,

or we could do more harm than good.

She's got a point.

The world is depending on us.

We don't have time to take it slow.

He's got a point, Deb.

We have a whole bag of time. Daniel?

Thoughts?

Can I use your bathroom?

What's he doing?

John Hancock and Sam Adams.

Daniel! Hey, the tavern owner said

I'd find you guys out here.

Come. Help us feast on these completely charred

and nearly inedible flying beasts.

The trick to catching more than one duck at once

is to kill them while they're fornicating.

We followed their quacks of ecstasy into the woods,

crept up, smashed them with rocks!

How can you tell a quack of ecstasy?

A quack of ecstasy is two quacks.

Two quacks heightening...

to a final clim-quacks.

But there's three ducks. As far

as we could tell, these two ducks here

were in a relationship,

and this third duck was hanging around,

watching, trying to get in on the mix.

He was sort of molting and fluffing himself,

and then he laid an egg.

Cool.

Well, I-I need your advice on something.

See, Deb, Chris and I are starting a business.

Oh. We're selling, um... horse manure.

An evergreen product that people will always need.

Right.

So, um, Chris wants to sell

large bags of manure.

And Deborah would rather

us sell small bags of manure.

Little bags of poop.

Convenient. Right.

But the manure itself is mine... - Your poop.

So the decision comes down to me.

Up to you? Yeah.

What is so funny about that?

No, no, it's just, you don't have the mental fortitude

to make such decisions. I thought you knew that.

Okay.

Uh, come here.

Come on, look at me. Get-get close here.

Look me, look me in the eye here. Close. Get right in there.

Daniel!

Mm-hmm. I am now looking...

directly... into your soul.

Hmm?

You have the body of a man...

but inside, you are but a wee babe.

Can I look away now, please?

No!

Something happened! Okay.

Something traumatic

stunted your growth at a very young age.

Traumatic? And you never

got over it. Am I right?

Tell him if he's right.

Big Sammy is here to help,

but you have to take it!

Ow! Take the help!

Ow! Take the help!

Okay! I... the...

now that you're... yelling at me,

there was something that happened to me in my childhood

that I guess I never got over.

Something traumatic? Yes, something traumatic.

Daniel, if you do not

overcome this obstacle, I can promise you...

you will never accomplish anything of note,

ever! So you're saying I need

to fix my past...

before my business can have a future.

What?

What? Was that... Yeah.

Yeah. Right? Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

Well, I've made a decision.

And that is that I can't make a decision until I get back

to the past and fix what's wrong in my personal life.

What does that mean? - That means

get your Charlotte Hornets Starter jacket

out of storage... We're going to the '90s.

Oh, my!

What happened to everyone's denim?

Oh, it's just acid-washed.

They won't be wearing it much longer.

You brought us to an ice cream place?

Not just any ice cream place.

This is Chadwick's,

the place my father called me a failure for the first time.

Oh, Daniel, I'm sorry. But I'm gonna prove

my dead dad wrong by finishing the 40-scoop Belly Buster

that I could never finish when I had the stomach of a boy.

No, no, no, no. We did not travel back in time so you could eat ice cream.

Chris, the Belly Buster is my white whale,

which is an expression I use

all the time without really knowing what it means.

You're saying it right. I... I always wanted to prove

that I could finish the Belly Buster,

but then Chadwick's went out of business and...

I never got the chance.

This is a complete waste.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. I thought you'd say that.

Which is why I brought... this.

Now, you feel you owe the universe something

after you exploded your friend, Davey, right?

Okay, we all exploded him. Eh...

you fired the shot.

You lit the wick! I think we can all agree

that it was you that murdered him senselessly.

Right? Well, Judi Forelli

gets hit by a car and killed in an hour.

Go save her life... then you and the universe are even.

Thank you.

I'm on it.

This is so exciting.

I've never tried iced cream before. What?!

Well, my father had some once,

and I had hoped for a taste,

but he fed the remainder to the pigs instead.

The pigs looked at me differently

after that, as if they knew something I didn't.

Pigs are very smart.

That's why a lot of celebrities have them as pets.

The Belly Buster has three stages.

The Gorge.

I stuff ice cream into my fat face.

The Settle.

This is where I have 35 scoops of ice cream that need to drop

to my butt so I can fit more of it into my tummy.

Stage three: