Last Man Standing

Halloween-- it's an early Christian deal.

Constantine made a deal with the Celts

so that they would have Halloween,

'cause they figured on that day, the dead would return to earth,

and we dress up spooky to ward off the dead.

I know, dad.

Did I already tell you this story?

Yeah, in the car.

Oh.

Wow. You don't see this much anymore--lady hobo.

Huh?

Maybe.

Eh, maybe.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Lady ninja.

Sure.

Yeah. Here's one.

Whoa. Here. Some kind of joke.

Lady president.

It could happen.

Whatever you want, dad.

What do you mean, whatever i want?

Come on.

Aren't you into this anymore?

Sure, I am.

Be honest.

Dad, I'm super-psyched to go trick-or-treating with you.

I know how much you like looking into our neighbor's houses.

Listen, I know that trick-or-treating is something

you and I do together, but if you're over this,

I am...

I'm okay with it.

Really?

I don't want to cause a medical problem.

I'm really okay.

I don't want to go trick-or-treating.

Huh.

Last Man Standing - S01E04 Last Halloween Standing

Original air date October 25, 2011

Are you sure you're not mad?

Yeah, I'm sure I'm not mad. I'm okay.

It's just that I'm 13 now,

and the whole dress-up thing kinda seems ridiculous.

Arr!

Shiver me timbers!

Isn't that the patch I wore when I had pinkeye?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that outfit is so embarrassing.

What's her problem?

Well, maybe it's that we're used to seeing you more as a mom

and less as a prostitute.

I'm a pirate princess.

Yeah.

Shouldn't your treasures be

a little more buried?

Every year we go to the Millers' party,

and every year I'm the me goody-goody character,

like Alice in Wonderland or Cinderella.

Last year you went as Margaret Thatcher.

Last year I didn't dress up.

Let me finish.

You know, I just thought

I'd shake things up a little.

Well, you sure are, every time you move.

So, uh, you like it?

Well, would you be willing to wear that

to our anniversary weekend at the cabin?

Mm... maybe.

I like it. Mm.

Dad, did you happen to pick up the kitty costume

I reserved for Stella's party?

Oh, yeah. The fur-lined bikini with the cat ears?

Yep. That's the one.

Yeah, I saw it.

That's why I got you this.

What is that?

This is Garfield, America's favorite cat.

But that--that would cover my entire body.

That's right. Here. Take this.

Dad. Listen, Halloween is not

an excuse for you to dress up like a tramp.

Baby, you are better than that.

No, I'm not.

Honey, your father's right.

That alley cat costume is totally inappropriate.

Honey, do your panties say "booty"?

Oh, gross. Dad just said "panties."

Don't forget the head.

Hey, mom. Can you take Boyd? 'Cause I'm late for my shift.

Hey. Oh, you have to work on Halloween?

Yeah, but, you know, I don't mind.

People tend to tip bigger when they're dressed like idiots.

Yeah, it was last year

that Frankenstein guy gave her a $100 tip.

Yeah, but that's just because I screwed his knob back on.

Does anybody need to hear that?

So Boyd's dinner is in the refrigerator,

and his pajamas are on his bed.

And look at the costume I got him.

Baby, look at this.

No, no, no. Dad, Boyd's not trick-or-treating.

No, I can take him.

No, no. He's too young for all that pagan death imagery.

Pagan death imagery?

Yeah, you know, like skeletons, ghosts, zombies.

Ugh. It's just like the ancient Celts,

who put on costumes to avoid being recognized as humans

by evil spirits.

So that stuff sinks in, not the stuff like

maybe check your oil before the engine seizes up

or using proper birth control?

Look, I don't want any of that sinking into Boyd's head.

Nothing's sinking in. He's 2.

I tell that kid five times a day to pull my finger.

He still has no idea where the noise is coming from.

I'm sorry, dad. No trick-or-treating.

Listen, we don't want this kid being that weird kid

that can't go out on Halloween.

Oh, come on. He's not gonna be the weird kid.

He will if we're not careful.

Look, I'm not the perfect father,

but I didn't raise any weirdos.

Ohh.

I think someone threw up in here.

Hi. Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man,

and we know what you guys like--

a firm rump, long legs, great rack.

Ha ha. We're talking deer here.

That's right,

'cause Halloween is deer season up in the hills.

It's time to get out there and do some huntin'.

Before we do that, we gotta think about gun safety.

We got a guy here that's gonna tell us

how to take our guns out of storage.

Gary McKegger here...

He's a firearms expert--

ballistics, bullets, knows everything about guns.

Gary, once we got the bolt clean,

you're gonna...

Probably wanna hold on to the gun,

tell us about-- here you go.

Any time you're ready...

You just tell us exactly how to pull it out of storage.

Gary is not afraid of any animal,

but much like the Rhesus monkey, he's terrified of cameras.

Gary. Gary. All right.

Let's take a break and maybe get Gary an energy bar or...

This is just horrible,

and--and you know what else?

Your girlfriend says I can't trick-or-treat with Boyd.

I know.

Can you talk to her?

No way.

What do you mean, no way?

Look, I said to her,

"aren't you excited about Halloween?"

And she said, "not really."

I said, "me neither."

Now I'm stuck.

Nice backbone, Susan.

Hey, Ed. Your gun expert is a moron.

He's acting like a zombie in front of the camera.

Oh, Halloween humor. I like that.

You coming to my house tonight to trick-or-treat?

With who?

Eve doesn't want to trick-or-treat anymore,

and grandpa's not allowed to take Boyd out.

Wait a minute. Halloween builds character.

Any 2-year-old who can walk up to a man with a chain saw

and demand candy can do anything.

Boyd should be allowed to experience Halloween now,

while his brain is still soft.

Exactly.

You know, I knew this day was coming. I did.

This is going to be a lousy Halloween.

Come on, Mike. Don't be such a Debbie Downer.

I know what will cheer you up.

Please, Ed, don't put on "Monster Mash."

Why do you think I'm going to play "Monster Mash"?

You think you know me so well.

You got me. You got me.

I dare you not to smile. I dare you. Come on, Mike.

You see, most people think this song is about

monsters having a party.

'Cause, Ed...

It is about monsters having a party.

You know what else it's about?

Please don't tell me it's about family.

It's about family.

Ahoy.

Hey, you want to help me hand out candy?

Want me to help you find your pants?

Very funny.

Oh, here we go.

Trick or treat!

Hey, I say, "treat"!

Vanessa?

Hey, Bill.

Wow.

Who knew?