The Big Bang Theory

Hey, you guys ready to order?

Uh, sure. Okay, Priya?

Uh, I'll have the shepherd's pie.

You want to split that with me?

Oh, no, no, no, he doesn't.

Why not?

Well, you have milk in the taters,

milk in the gravy, parmesan crust.

Your lactose-intolerant boyfriend will turn

into a gas-filled Macy's Day balloon.

Not quite accurate. The Macy's balloons are filled with helium,

whereas Leonard produces copious amounts of methane.

So, no, on the shepherd's pie. Can we move on?

Yeah, a little tip: he says he can eat frozen yogurt.

Do not believe it.

Sea bass! I'll have the sea bass!

You gotta like this,

the girlfriend and the ex-girlfriend bonding

over your rooty-tooty stinky booty.

Kill me.

It wouldn't help. The human body is capable

of being flatulent for hours after death.

Guys, sorry I'm late. I have amazing news.

Bernadette, before you change the subject,

does anyone have any final comments on

Leonard's faulty digestive system?

So, what's your news, Bernadette?

The thesis committee accepted my doctoral dissertation.

I'm getting my PhD!

Wow! Oh, congratulations.

Wow, so that means you're a doctor, you're a doctor,

you're a doctor, you're a doctor,

and Howard, you know a lot of doctors.

Congratulations, honey.

Thank you.

So, Howard, tell us, how's it feel knowing

that when you two get married,

you'll be referred to as Mr. and Dr. Wolowitz?

Unless he takes Bernadette's last name.

And considering her advanced status,

that could open some doors for him.

Please, this isn't about me. I'm proud of you.

Well, you'll be really be proud of this.

I was headhunted by a big pharmaceutical company.

They're gonna pay me a buttload of money!

What?

Bernadette, that's great.

Howard, do you make a buttload?

Better than what you've got a buttload of.

Hey, if I roll down the windows in the car, everything's peachy.

If you do it, you're still not a doctor.

Yeah, just a heads-up on the car window deal.

It helps, but everything is not "peachy."

== sync, corrected by elderman == -- Resync to The Big Bang Theory S04 720p BluRay x264-CLUE by lorez --

Oh, God, I feel ridiculous in this dress.

You look beautiful, Lieutenant Uhura.

Now prepare for... inspection.

Shh, my brother's going to hear you.

Relax, he's got headphones on.

And we're ten miles above Earth in a starship.

Really, ten miles?

You're orbiting inside the atmosphere?

Moron.

I can't believe I'm wearing

my brother's Halloween costume.

I can't believe you think he only wears it on Halloween.

Open the landing bay doors, shuttle craft approaching.

Okay, gotta go.

Hey, what's up?

Is that my future daughter-in-law, the doctor?!

No, Ma! It's Raj!

He's a doctor too, right?!

Yes!

Like Leonard and the skinny weirdo!

Sheldon, yes!

Everybody's a doctor but me!

Well, whose fault is that?!

What's up?

Leonard's putting disgusting memories in

my memory foam mattress.

Can I stay here tonight?

Sure, but I'm going out with Bernadette.

It'll just be you and my mother.

I guess that's okay.

Ma, can Rajesh sleep over?!

Of course, he and I can play doctor!

She's kidding, right?

I don't know, she's pretty feisty since

they put her on hormone-replacement therapy.

Paging Dr. Cutie Pie!

I must say, Amy, I was very impressed

to see that Bernadette got her PhD.

It's indeed admirable.

Although, it is... microbiology.

Your doctorate is in neurobiology.

I fail to see the distinction.

I'll make it simple for you.

I study the brain,

the organ responsible for Beethoven's Fifth Symphony.

Bernadette studies yeast,

the organism responsible for Michelob Lite.

Is there something wrong with your neck?

It's a little stiff.

What a remarkably fragile structure

to support such a valuable payload.

Not unlike balancing a Faberge egg on a Pixie Stick.

Have you considered massage?

I'd like to respond to that sarcastically:

Yes, I relish the thought of a stranger covering my body

with oil and rubbing it.

I was proposing you massage your muscles with your own hands.

Still sounds like a lot of unnecessary touching.

Trust me. With your right hand, locate the spot

where the scapula meets the acromion process.

All right.

Now push your third finger along the ridge of the shoulder blade,

making a small rotation as you do so.

Rotating.

You should feel a small node-like object

rolling back and forth along the bone.

You mean the myofascial point?

Obviously.

Now bear down on it like the seventh grade noogies

we all know too well.

Oh, dear Lord, yes, yes, oh, yes!

Amy, I've never been touched like this before!

Oh! My hands are magic!

Don't flatter yourself.

Your hands are blunt tools guided by my knowledge

of the nervous system.

I could just as easily have paralyzed you.

There's someone at my door.

That doesn't interest me. Good-bye.

- Can I sleep here tonight? - Why?

Leonard's having astronomically inaccurate

Star Trek sex with my sister.

I can see how that would be upsetting. Come in.

I'll get the sheets and blankets for the couch.

Oh, don't bother. I'll just sleep in Leonard's room.

No, I can't authorize that.

Well, he's in my bed. Why can't I be in his?

The Hammurabic Code is "an eye for an eye,"

not "a bed for a bed."

Come on, dude, I'm exhausted, and Tyra Banks says

the most important item in your makeup bag is

a good night's sleep.

All right.

This is a form indemnifying me

from your use of "Leonard's bedroom."

Sign here, indicating that I tried to stop you

and did so using a stern facial expression.

Good night, Sheldon.

Wait. Not yet.

We still have to go over safety procedures.

Now, the apartment has three emergency exits located

here, here, and here.

In the event of a power outage,

luminous paint will guide you to the nearest exit.

You're kidding.

I never kid about safety.

What are you doing here?

I was sleeping.

In my bed?

Well, I would've slept in my own bed,

but it was being used to bring shame to my family.

And the memory of Gene Roddenberry.

Oh, you heard?

"Scotty, I need more power."

Sorry. Does Sheldon know you're sleeping in here?

Are you kidding? He made me sign a waiver,

participate in an emergency fire drill

and take a refresher course in CPR.

Thank God he had a dummy.

Oh, yeah. Mouth-to-Mouth Mona.

You know, she used to date Howard?

Oh, my God, she's that Mona?

Why can't you and my sister spend your nights here?

We tried. She doesn't get along with Sheldon.

Sheldon doesn't get along with Sheldon.

It's still no reason for me to have to listen to you

arm your photon torpedoes every night.

Okay, well, how about this: until Priya gets her own place,

you stay here and I'll stay at your apartment.

Can I bring girls here?

You?

Sure. Bring as many as you want.

Okay, deal.

Just not against their will.

You really think you should be eating that cake?

Why?

If you're gonna be

a trophy husband for a rich wife,

you might want to watch your waistline.

He's right.

A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.

Yeah, ha-ha.

First of all, I'm not threatened by my fiancée's success.

I'm proud of her.

And secondly, I have my own career.

Until you have kids.