2 At a Time (2 at a Time)

And then my weekend nanny

had another death in the family... again.

Can you believe the luck I'm having?

Actually, it was the worst summer.

We were flying back and forth from Capri to South Hampton.

I'm overseeing two renovations.

That's two sets of blueprints.

I need a vacation from my vacation.

Where do you guys summer, again?

We summer on 61st Street between 2nd and 3rd.

Mm.

Welcome, everyone.

We're delighted to have you here at our curriculum night.

Curriculum night, please.

They're in preschool.

What's next, they're gonna major in finger-painting and sand?

And while you've been busy

working on those kindergarten applications,

we've been busy too,

learning a little bit about you.

Rutherford says,

"My mommy loves salad,

Pinot Grigio, and our helicopter."

Piper says, "My daddy's a plastic surgeon."

He loves his Maseratis and making people's faces not ugly."

And this from Dottie...

"My mommy loves tattoos,

"underwear dance parties,

and bad words."

Oh, shit.

Odd Mom Out - 01x01 - 01x02 Wheels Up - Vons Have More Fun

Mommy!

Mommy, why is your butt so jiggly?

Because I have three kids.

Thanks, Miles.

Guys, okay you have to get dressed.

We're gonna do the thing for Daddy, okay?

Hurry, please.

Hey, guys, come on, get dressed.

No, you're too early!

I had a whole surprise for you.

For me? Oh, well...

Congratulations on making partner.

- We're so proud of you. - Thank you.

It was gonna be a whole spread

with eggs and fruit and everything.

It was like a miracle.

Did you hear Miles ridiculing my "thass"?

What's "thass?"

"Thigh" plus "ass" equals "thass."

And after three kids,

my vag is like the Holland Tunnel.

Sometimes I walk around, and it sounds

like somebody's stirring mac and cheese.

Are we having mac and cheese tonight?

I said get dressed!

Get dressed please.

I don't know.

I think everything's holding up great.

In fact, I was thinking,

what if I went into work late today?

Honey, I know it's your special day,

but there was just a study at Stanford University...

Mommy, can I crack an egg?

That all these mothers have sensory overload...

'Cause the kids are, like, pawing them all day,

and so we're, like, OD-ing on touch.

- Right. - Okay?

And we have to pick the photos

for the kids' kindergarten applications.

- Yep. - We have to pick today.

Come here.

Can I have gum for breakfast?

Nope, no gum.

Do you think Miles looks a little R-A-P-E-Y here?

Who calls anymore?

My mother.

Okay, guys, did you brush your teeth yet?

- Hello, Mother. - Isn't it wonderful news?

Uh, yeah, thanks, how'd you hear?

The New York Times, CNN, Bloomberg News.

It's on the front page of every business section.

Oh, I thought you were calling about my news.

I'm just catching up, one second.

I'll save you the trouble.

Hercules Partners, your baby brother's firm,

sold that bagel company to the Chinese

for $675 million.

What was your news?

Um...

Congratulations.

Thank you.

- Congratulations - Thanks, guys.

Whoo, Andy!

Yes, dude, so give me the play-by-play.

Oh, but, like, make it like SportsCenter, though.

I guess it's been in the works for a while.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

I was always on the partner track.

No, no, no, dude, not that.

No, your kid brother, Lex.

Uh, ka-ching.

Bagels.

I mean, they're my in-laws.

I should be happy for them,

but they're gonna be even more "insuffs"

than they already are.

It'll be wheels up to St. Barth's

and wheels up to Aspen and breakfast at Wimbledon.

I'm a doctor. I save babies with my hands.

Even if I live to be "eleventy,"

I'd never see a tenth of that type of coin.

Lex isn't even that smart.

His equity firm just got lucky

investing in the company that brought bagels to China.

China, I know.

I mean, if it were North Korea, I'd be impressed.

He and Brooke are fetuses,

and now they're as rich as Mark Zuckerberg's pinky.

Okay, you do realize you're rich too, right?

Yeah, maybe in the normal universe,

where normal people live.

But between Lexington and 5th, I'm a charity case.

- Jill! - Seriously.

People come to our walk-up for play dates,

and they act like I live in a cardboard box.

Oh...

sorry.

Oh, my God, it's her.

It's my sister-in-law.

I swear, our kids are in the same class this year.

I can't escape her.

Wait, I thought she was pregnant with her fourth.

Did she lose the baby?

No, she's seven months pregnant.

That baby is gonna be the size of a Diet Coke can.

Hi, guys.

Brooke, congrats on the sale.

So exciting.

We're quite pleased.

We're quite pleased for you.

Vanessa, I haven't seen you since we had a white president.

- Oh. - Still living downtown?

Still toughing it out on the mean streets of SoHo.

- Huh. - So baby number four.

Good for you!

Thanks, I'm Shamu.

All righty, we're gonna go stuff our faces

at Midnight Express.

Oh, I heard they're closing.

You're kidding.

Yeah, it's gonna be a Flush.

What's a Flush?

It's this California chainlet

that's part juice cleanse, part colonics.

It was in Vanity Fair.

It totally works.

My sister had a toy soldier come out.

So, Jill, I'm seeing you

at my NACHO Kickoff Event this week, right?

At Soul Wheelz? You have yet to RSVP.

Oh, your spinning thing. I totally spaced.

I've been so swamped with kindergarten applications.

Wait, back up.

Why are we talking about nachos?

No, no, no.

it's my charitable organization.

New Yorkers Against Childhood Obesity.

You mean NYACHO?

NACHO.

New Yorkers...

The Y is silent.

It's my charity.

Jill, Soul Wheelz?

Believe me, you don't want me there.

I will be dead on the floor.

They'll need defibrillators.

I'll be in a chalk outline.

You're my sister-in-law,

and you never come to any of my events.

Well, it's hard to line up a sitter.

Oh, Jill, you really need to staff up.

Well, I'm not working right now,

so I prefer to do it myself.

Why don't you take Stephanie's Thai baby nurse?

You're done with her, right?

She's Tibetan.

Yeah, well, same noodle, different sauce.

Let's go. Bye.

I can't believe this place is closing.

I've been coming here for 30 years.

This place is an institution.

Look at... look at this glass bottle.

You know, instead of that squeezy bullshit.

I mean, look at the people.

What is a Flush anyway?

What do these people do?

Put hoses in their ass and blow lunch?

Isn't that like anal bulimia?

People love putting things in their assholes.