Scenes of a Sexual Nature

Footballers!

50 grand a week!

That's 10 grand a day.

Well, if it's a five-day week.

I mean, one game a week, two max.

And they only train until midday,

so that's like 10 grand a working day.

So what gems does Little Miss Cosmo have for you this week?

- Well, I'm reading about something called a:

multiple orgasm.

- Don't listen; they're making that shit up.

Well, apparently not.

- Yeah, well, multiple orgasms stop when you get married.

Something to do with church weddings.

The blessing takes care of all that.

In the eyes of God, one climax per session is enough.

- Oh, if that were the case, I'd go to church.

Multiple orgasms, really?

We have to make due with one at a time,

and do you see us complaining?

- No. - Well, there you go.

Because you're asleep.

Well, Mandy from Oxford here has at least 10 orgasms a day.

I told you, they make it up.

- So by your maths, that's what, 50 orgasms a week?

Unless she's on a cup run.

Oh, Christ, I've just cum!

Jamie!

Oh, and another!

Shut up, people will start staring!

- It's Hampstead Heath, they think you're weird

if you're not having sex.

Oh, and another!

Seven more and I can move in with Mandy from Oxford.

Would you mind if I, ah?

No, of course.

Do you come here often?

Is that the best you have?

Yes, I'm afraid it is, yes.

Oh.

- Don't worry, I shan't be asking you to dance.

I find this very comforting.

The view?

Yes.

- It's wonderful to know that some things just stay.

- Although I could do without that bloody tower.

Oh really? I love it.

I love it that for a while, at least,

we had ambitions beyond concrete.

- Do you ever wonder what would have happened

if that chap in Pudding Lane had noticed

that fire starting all those centuries ago,

and then just put it out?

- I suppose the whole of London would be wooden.

Imagine the splinters.

By the way, I do.

What?

Come here often.

Do you?

- Every Wednesday, as a matter of fact, to this very bench.

Well, I never.

So be careful who you ask next time.

Yes I will. (chuckling)

Well, that is extraordinary.

It's just a habit.

How long have you been coming here?

Oh, nearly 50 years.

That's a lot of Wednesdays.

Not as many as it might be.

I'm a strict observer of holidays.

Nice view?

Sorry?

- Oh, I'm just wondering if you can get all of that,

or whether you'd like me to move for you.

What are you talking about, darling?

You are so pathetic.

- Oh, good god! - Yeah, isn't he.

She should be, she should be careful.

- What, in case some pervy man wants to stare at her pants?

- Well, yeah. - Yeah.

I saw you.

Saw me what?

Staring at her.

Staring at her pants.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

She's very beautiful.

Do you think?

Yeah, young, pert.

And what is it you and your mates say?

About what?

A stomach like a snare drum?

We, we don't say that.

Right.

So what were you looking at, then?

Because I saw you.

Oh, oh that.

Oh god, did you think?

Oh, that's, that's funny.

No, it was her book.

Oh right, her book.

Yeah.

Right.

And what book would that be, then?

Le Tranger?

L'etranger?

Uh, yeah.

You know it, do you?

Oh, it's seminal.

Albert Camus, unless I'm mistaken.

- It is, yeah, made quite an impact on me as a teenager.

Really?

Oh, Camus!

Camus! (laughing)

Yeah, that book changed my life.

I noticed she was reading it and thought, well,

you don't see it about that often.

So what's it about then?

Sorry?

- Well, this book that changed your life, what's it about?

Oh, I'm not gonna get into that now.

- Oh, come on; the book that changed my husband's life,

I should know about.

Oh, go on, you know I love a good story.

Well, you know, it's, ah,

it's French.

About a man who is an "etranger."

Right.

A stranger, basically.

Anyway, he goes on quite an adventure.

You know, new man in town,

the locals are difficult to break.

He starts off as a stranger, and through a series

of beautifully crafted events,

he eventually becomes accepted as the new...

Sheriff.

Sheriff?

Yeah, it's kind of like a,

French western.

Well, that does sound life-changing.

Yeah, it was.

Molly?

Molly, what are you...

I am so sorry to disturb you.

I was just wondering if you could help me.

Of course.

Molly, I really think we should

leave this young lady alone.

- No no, it's okay; she doesn't mind, do you?

No, I don't mind.

Well, all the same-

What can I do for you?

- I just couldn't help noticing the book you're reading.

Really?

L'Etranger?

Oui.

It's truly a wonderful piece of writing.

- Well, do you know what, my husband was just saying so.

Really, you know it?

- Oh yeah, I mean, I read it a few years ago.

- Isn't Meursault an extraordinary character?

His inability to lie and his ability

to live so much in the present?

An amazing creation.

Yeah.

And still, he ends up sheriff.

- Sorry? - Oh, Jesus.

- No, I was just saying, isn't it remarkable

that he can be so truthful and still wind up

as sheriff of the town?

Molly-

- I mean, he just clears up that town, don't he?

- I think you may have the book a little confused.

Oh, really?

Well, yes.

This is a book about the fundamental existential crisis

of a man unable to live under the restrictions

that society imposes upon him, upon all of us.

So, it's not a western?

No.

Is there something wrong?

We should leave now.

Actually, no, no, no; come here.

- I'd actually like to apologise on behalf of my husband.

Apologise?

- Yeah, I'm afraid he's been staring at your pants.

Oh, for god's sake, Molly.

I'm sorry about my wife, she's had too much sun.

- No, on the contrary, it's my husband who's been affected

by the heat, but a little bit of advice for you:

next time you're sunbathing on the heath,

you might want to be a bit more careful.

It's full of perverts.

Pack up the things; we're going now.

I'm really very sorry. (sighing)

I should...

Were you really looking at me?

Yes.

Yes, yes I was.

Well, that is quite frightening.

Oh god, this is...