American Dad!

So, the people at Buzzfeed

are abuzz about my article.

I had no idea you were a writer.

Oh, I don't know dick about writing,

but "The Top 12 Dog Haircuts of the '90s" --

I know many dicks' worth about that.

Hey, there, birthday girl!

Hello, yourself, Mr. Birthday Girl.

This year I bought you not one, but 81 birthday presents.

And I'll give you a hint, it's America's favorite thing.

81 bald eagles?

No, but remember that one for my birthday.

Happy early birthday, Stan.

What happened?

You were about to tell me about my birthday present,

then made bird noises, got an erection,

and started tongue-kissing the air.

Right, like I said, I got you 81 presents --

season tickets to the Washington Nationals.

But, Stan, I don't even like baseball.

Oh, your gigantic smile is thanks enough.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have somewhere I need to be.

Now, where were we --

What?! I was gone two minutes and you invite Hank over?

You've crossed the wrong guy, Hank!

Ugh! (groans) I give!

You're so much stronger than you look, Hank.

¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶

¶ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶

¶ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ¶

¶ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ¶

¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶

¶ Good -- ¶ ¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶

Aah!

¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶

I have everything I need to enjoy the game --

authentic jersey, glove for foul balls,

and the lyrics to "Y'all Ready For This?"

So I don't forget them like a fool when everyone's singing it.

Wonderful.

Yep, seems like you got everything you need,

except a happy wife.

Francine likes baseball. She just doesn't know it yet.

For as long as I can remember, Francine and I have shared

all the same interests -- Scotch and cigars with the fellas,

jokin' around with the guys, poker night with the boys.

Oh, and supercharged snowmobiles.

With the boys.

It's not safe to ride alone.

Francine doesn't do any of that stuff.

Don't you see? You're growing apart.

Or...or...we're growing even closer together.

Haven't you heard the phrase "opposites attract"?

Nope. You -- Really?

Hmm. I'll need help explaining this.

Thanks for coming on such short notice, MC Skat Kat.

No bigs. We gonna do this? You know it.

¶ Baby, seems we never ever agree ¶

¶ You like the movies, and I like TV ¶

¶ I take things seriously -- ¶ Right. Got it.

I remember this song.

And I remember this cat, Garfield.

This son of a bitch hates Mondays.

But opposites don't attract. People don't work that way.

He's right.

But, Stan, seriously,

have you heard anything about that janitorial job?

I mean, I'm barely getting by --

Excellent. Let's hang out soon.

Damn it. Okay.

Opposites don't attract, but samesies do.

What are me and Francine's samesies?

There's got to be something we share!

Uh, Stan, he didn't leave.

He just ducked down in the bushes.

Yeah, how do you think he got here so fast?

¶ Huge cookie time, huge cookie time ¶

I call first bite! I call last bite!

I got it. Be a doll and keep blowin' on that thing.

We're looking for Burt Jarvis.

Nope, not here. Never heard of him.

Well, this is his address.

We've sent him letters, we've called.

If he ever turns up here, please,

tell him his people need help.

Everyone's getting sick.

What a story. If we see him, we'll tell him.

Roger.

What were those sick people talking about?

What? Those two broads?

They're clearly hung up on some guy who's not feeling it.

Huge cookie time!

No, Roger, it's huge honesty time.

Okay, okay.

My Burt Jarvis persona ran for -- and won --

a seat in the Nevada State Legislature.

You see, in Nevada, Senators eat free at casino buffets,

but it does not include drinks, so I abandoned the character.

You wouldn't believe all the letters I still get

about "poison water this" and "poison-water that."

I mean, who even drinks water anymore?

Grab a Coke Zero, am I right?

Roger, those people need Burt jarvis!

We have to help them!

You just want a free trip to Carson City, don't you?

Carson City.

Wow.

All right, fine. We can go.

But since you're in such a hurry...

Ugh! What happened?

I threw up, but the cookie blocked it.

I'm getting hit from every angle here.

Here we are, Francine -- the ballpark.

If you thought parking in the faraway cheap lot

and maneuvering through gang violence was thrilling,

just wait until the first pitch!

Whatever, Stan. Can we please get something to eat?

Of course! We both share a love of eating!

So, what can I get you?

I'll have a large spaghetti.

They, uh, they don't have that.

Okay, I'll have a medium spaghetti.

Look, how about I get you my favorite snack --

a ballpark Frank?

I hate hot dogs.

They remind me of uncircumcised penises.

And you know I don't stand for no wormies.

Oh, uh, well, forget about food.

Let's go find a memento to share.

Shouldn't be hard.

My personal favorite -- the bobblehead.

Ew, creepy.

Their proportions are all wrong, like little Christina Riccis.

How about these gender-neutral pink baseball caps?

Haha! You're hilarious.

hey, I know something we agree on.

Hot guys.

Check out Jayson Werth in right field.

He's got ass for days.

I think you're hotter than he is.

Can't we agree on anything?!

Compared to that fresh cut of meat,

I'm a double-scoop of dog shit!

All right, Steve, I drafted a bill

proposing drinking water not be poisonous.

Now, let's drop it off and hit the road.

Well, if it isn't Burt Jarvis!

Lookin' good, old friend.

Say, we got to get you and Carla up to the lake house.

You wouldn't believe the size of the trout this season,

and are they a-bitin'.

I hear you've been working on a clean water bill.

Now, this is a nice piece of legislation.

A noble undertaking indeed.

It's a shame no one got to see it.

My best to Carla.

Did you hear that? I'm gonna get to go fishing!

Roger, you can't just back down! People are counting on you!

Are you crazy? That was Big John Tanner,

the most influential politician in Nevada.

Who do you think we're talking about -- Little John Tanner?

One of the least influential politicians in Nevada?

Ahem! I represent the good people of Winnemucca.

So to answer your questions --

"John from Cincinnati" is my favorite HBO show,

Lycos is my preferred search engine,

and when it comes to World War II,

I got to go with my boys, the Axis powers.

Hey, buddy! You and that fascist are on the kiss cam!

Show 'em what you got!

I will show 'em! This is our moment!

You guys suck! Don't get a room!

I kiss my sister with more grace.

I thought me and Francine were fine,

but we don't share anything.

Hell, we couldn't even share a kiss on the kiss cam.

50,000 fans called B.S. on our whole relationship.

A group that big is never wrong.

That's why it's called "mob mentality," not "mob stupidity."

Just the word "mob" evokes such fairness and justice.

I guess it's really over.

Bad news, Hayley.

Your parents are getting divorced.

Now you're gonna have to buy a second headband

to keep at Stan's apartment.

What is he talking about? I just --

I realized that Francine and I don't have any common ground.

Dad, every couple has their differences.

Look at me and Jeff. We couldn't be more opposite.

She's right, Mr. S. -- like, my favorite song in the world

is "Bathtub Gin" by Phish live at Red Rocks.

But mine is "Bathtub Gin" by Phish live from Atlantic City.

I'm sure you and Mrs. S. were just having an off day.

But if you want to strengthen your relationship,

that takes time.

It requires open communication, a lot of hard work --

Jeff's right! It must have been an off day.

We'll just get back on the kiss cam,

show everybody that me and Francine are fine,

and then everything else will fall into place!