Psych

NOW YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING.

HOW THIS ALL HAPPENED.

AND LIKELY YOU'RE BLAMING GUS

AND HIS OBSESSIVE NEED TO GO TO POTTERCON.

THAT'S THE HARRY POTTER FESTIVAL.

NOBODY'S BLAMING ME.

AND WHY ARE YOU USING THAT ACCENT?

ACCENT? BOLLOCKS, GUS.

THIS IS MY NATURAL TIM-BRE.

THIS ALL STARTED BACK IN SANTA BARBARA.

THE NEW CHIEF HADN'T HIRED US IN WEEKS

WHEN SUDDENLY I GOT A CALL.

HELLO?

- UH, I ANSWERED THE PHONE. - FINE.

HELLO?

YO, YOU'VE NEVER ANSWERED THE PHONE THAT WAY.

AND WHY WOULD YOU POSSIBLY BE DRESSED LIKE THAT?

YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO GETS TO EMBELLISH.

ALL RIGHT, TRUCE.

FACTS ONLY FROM HERE ON OUT.

IT WAS INTERPOL.

YES, THAT INTERPOL.

THE ONE ON THE DVD WARNING SCREEN.

WE HAD BEEN REQUESTED FOR A CASE

IN THE UNITED KINGDOM OF BRITAIN.

THAT'S ENGLAND. - WE GET IT, SHAWN.

WITHIN HOURS, GUS HAD INVITED HIMSELF ALONG,

AND WE WERE ZIPPING THROUGH SECURITY

AT THE AIRPORT. - WE WERE BEING DETAINED.

AND YOU JUST FORGOT TO MENTION THIS HIDDEN COMPARTMENT?

THAT IS A PHOENIX FEATHER, SIR, NOT A WEAPON.

IF YOU WERE FAMILIAR WITH THE MOST POPULAR FRANCHISE

IN THE HISTORY OF FILM, MAYBE YOU WOULDN'T EXPERIENCE

SUCH CONFUSION HERE.

MY APOLOGIES.

MY NORMALLY SANE BUDDY

IS A LITTLE ON EDGE BECAUSE OF THE VERY TIGHT WINDOW

THAT EXISTS BETWEEN OUR ARRIVAL AT HEATHROW

AND THE RUPERT GRINT MEET-AND-GREET

AT LEICESTER SQUARE.

I AM A GRINT GRUNT, LOUD AND PROUD.

MEANWHILE, I HAVE BEEN SUMMONED

TO HELP INTERPOL WITH A CASE.

YOU KNOW INTERPOL.

FROM THE DVDs?

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

HE'S NOT BRINGING A GIANT, SHARP, WOODEN STICK

AS A CARRY-ON.

THAT "STICK" IS A NIMBUS 2000,

A GIFT THE WIZARD POTTER RECEIVED

FROM MINERVA MCGONAGALL, WHEN HE JOINED

THE GRYFFINDOR QUIDDITCH TEAM AS A SEEKER...

WHICH YOU WOULD KNOW

IF YOU HAD EVER SUCCESSFULLY OPENED A BOOK!

- GUS. - WHAT? I'M CALM.

THAT WAS THE POINT OUR BAGS WERE REMOVED

FROM THE PLANE. - NO, IT WASN'T.

- CORRECTION. - I NEED MY POTIONS!

THAT WAS.

18 HOURS LATER, MISSING ONLY OUR LUGGAGE,

WE ARRIVED AT INTERPOL...

INTERNATIONAL POLICE ORGANIZATION.

THEY ISSUE THE WARNINGS ON THE BLU-RAY DISCS.

WE'VE COVERED THIS.

THEY'RE ALSO A BAND.

THANK YOU FOR COMING, MR. SPENCER.

YOU'RE SAVING OUR LIVES HERE.

I'M WINSTON.

I'll BE BRIEFING YOU UNTIL MY BOSS ARRIVES.

AH, YES, HER MAJESTY, THE QUEEN.

NOW, DOES SHE PREFER LIZ OR LIZZIE?

WE WERE NEVER GONNA MEET THE QUEEN.

PERHAPS YOU WERE CONFUSED BY WHAT WILFRED WAS TRYING TO SAY.

HIS NAME WAS WINSTON - OKAY, PERHAPS I WAS CONFUSED.

FROM WHENCE SHALL I BEGIN MY INVESTIGATION?

OH, MR. SPENCER, YOU WERE NEVER BROUGHT HERE

TO INVESTIGATE ANYTHING.

SOUNDS LIKE A WASTED PLANE TICKET IF YOU ASK ME.

WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A LONG UNDERCOVER STING.

YOU BEAR MORE THAN A PASSABLE RESEMBLANCE

TO AN AMERICAN GETAWAY DRIVER

IN A PLANNED HEIST WE'RE INVESTIGATING.

THE YARD... - THAT MEANS SCOTLAND YARD.

- THEY KNOW. - NICKED OUR DRIVER

TWO DAYS AGO... - THAT MEANS ARRESTED.

WILL YOU SHUT UP? JUST SHUT UP, SHAWN.

MUCKING UP OUR WHOLE STING.

WE THOUGHT WE WERE DONE FOR.

UNTIL WE HEARD OF YOU.

HEH.

CLEARLY MY EXPLOITS ARE RENOWNED WORLDWIDE.

I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE AN INVESTIGATOR.

MY SUPERIOR ASKED FOR YOU.

SWEET LIZZIE. CHEEKY OLD DAME.

WHERE'S HER OFFICE?

HIS NAME IS ROYSTON CORNWALLIS STALEY.

HE'S OUR DEPUTY DIRECTOR.

APPARENTLY YOU TWO MET WHILE HE WAS UNDERCOVER.

TAKE ME TO HIM.

YOU DIDN'T SAY THAT.

AND IT'S NEVER OKAY

TO THROW HOT TEA IN MY FACE.

APPARENTLY YOU TWO MET WHILE HE WAS UNDERCOVER.

ROYCE STALEY, YOU SAY? HA.

WELL, FIRST I'D LIKE TO TRY THESE "CRUMPETS"

I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT,

AND THEN IF IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TROUBLE,

I'D LIKE TO SPEAK WITH HIM.

IF THAT'S OKAY WITH YOU, OF COURSE.

MR. STALEY IS EXPECTING US.

SPOTTED DICK? SPOTTED DICK?

THREE SPOTTED DICKS, PLEASE.

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT PLUTO?

- NO. -

SIR, THEY HAVE ARRIVED.

SHAWN.

BUSTER.

YOU INFILTRATED INTERPOL?

HOW DID YOU PULL THAT OFF, MAN?

THIS IS NOT OKAY.

- I'M PERSONALLY NEUTRAL. - NO, YOU'RE NOT.

- HE'S RIGHT, I'M OUTRAGED. - HOW'S THIS POSSIBLE?

WELL, AFTER A LONG AND GLAMOUR-FREE CAREER

AS AN ANALYST HERE AT INTERPOL,

WE FOUND THAT THE CRIMINAL WORLD HAD BECOME MORE INSULAR.

WE HAD LITTLE TO NO INSIDE INFORMATION.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, WE WERE LOSING.

WE NEEDED A BOLD NEW IDEA.

AND I GOT MY FIRST CHANCE TO GO UNDERCOVER

FROM MY BOSS, WIM STUYVESANT. - WIM?

WELL, THIS IS AN INTERNATIONAL GROUP.

WE, UH... WE DON'T DISCRIMINATE AGAINST THE DUTCH HERE.

SO UNDERAPPRECIATED DESK JOCKEY ROY STALEY

WAS ERASED AND DECOMMISSIONED,

AND THE CHARACTER OF PIERRE DESPEREAUX WAS BORN.

WITHIN A YEAR I WAS A STAR

OF THE INTERNATIONAL CRIME COMMUNITY...

PERFORMING HEISTS ORGANIZED SECRETLY BY THE DIVISION,

GETTING PRIME INFORMATION

ON THE LONDON UNDERWORLD UNDETECTED.

53 ARRESTS. ALL CONVICTIONS.

THE THEFTS WERE ALL SET-UPS?

I DIDN'T ACTUALLY STEAL ANY ITEMS.

I WAS GIVEN THEM.

- BUT YOU WENT TO PRISON. - YES.

BECAUSE OF YOU I BROUGHT DOWN TWO KINGPINS INSIDE.

I MEANT TO THANK YOU FOR THAT. - YOU'RE WELCOME.

- YOU NEVER STOLE ANYTHING? - GOT IT.

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THE EXPRESSION "ONE FOR ME..."

HELLO, REMBRANDT. "ONE FOR YOU"?

I HAVE.

FORTUNATELY, MY SIDE WORK WAS UNDER THE RADAR.

PRETTY HARMLESS STUFF, REALLY.

OR PERHAPS THAT IS UNTIL I GOT RECALLED.

YOU DIDN'T DO THAT ALONE?

YOU DON'T ACTUALLY THINK THAT I MANAGED TO DO ALL OF THAT

BY MYSELF, DO YOU?

- - NO.

I DID.

ON THE DAY OF MY RETURN TO SERVICE,

WE FINALLY RECEIVED A TIP ON THE MOTHER LODE OF ALL CROOKS...

CRIMINAL BOSS RONNIE IVES.

RONNIE IS A BRUTAL THUG WHO PULLS OFF ENORMOUS CRIMES

AND RETREATS BACK INTO THE SHADOWS WITHOUT A TRACE.

HE'S SMART, EFFICIENT, AND NEVER WORKS WITH THE SAME CREW TWICE.

HE ASSEMBLES A CREW OF STRANGERS IN A KEYSER SOZE MANNER,

NONE OF THEM KNOWING EACH OTHER, AND THRUSTS THEM

INTO HIS METICULOUSLY PRE-PLANNED HEISTS.

THEN IMMEDIATELY DISBANDS THE GROUP

AT THE END OF EACH JOB.

HE RECENTLY ASSEMBLED A NEW TEAM.

WE KNEW WHERE THEY WERE MEETING.

THAT IS UNTIL THE MAD AMERICAN GOT HIMSELF ARRESTED.

AND THAT'S WHERE YOU COME IN.

- NOPE. - WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NOPE?

I DON'T BELIEVE IT. THERE'S NO SUCH THING

AS A POLICE-SANCTIONED CRIMINAL.

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU PULLED THIS OFF,

BUT KUDOS TO YOU. THIS IS ALL A FAKE...

THIS OFFICE, THAT AMAZING SECRETARY OUT THERE,

PERHAPS THIS WHOLE COUNTRY.

AND THERE'S NO AMERICAN

CRAZED GETAWAY CAR DRIVER DOPPELGANGER

WHO HAPPENS TO LOOK EXACTLY LIKE SHAWN.

DID YOU BRING A COAT?

GENTLEMEN, I GIVE YOU ROBERT FINO,

PHILADELPHIA BORN AND BRED GETAWAY DRIVER.

PERHAPS NOW YOU CAN SEE WHY I THOUGHT OF YOU, SHAWN.

THIS MAN LOOKS NOTHING LIKE ME.

- WHAT? - HIS HAIR IS FINE AND SILKY,

AS IF SPUN BY A FABULOUS SPIDER.

MINE IS A HELMET, A PERFECT, BROWN HELMET

INSPIRED BY THE LIVES OF REAL BEAVERS.

OKAY. I MAY NOT BE THE BEST JUDGE,