Rake

I've never found anyone to replace you.

Mr Greene, we are terminating your membership of this bar.

What in the name of Bob Menzies are you two doing here?

Actually, we're campaigning, Cleaver.

So you're seriously putting your name down for the Senate?

Absolutely.

On the basis of saying nothing, and hating your sister.

In fact, Cleaver Greene...

I'd like to talk today about the absurdity of fracking.

Yep, sure, sure.

I want to get onto fracking with you.

- I build apps. - Apps?

And I'm pretty good at it too, it seems.

In the last six months, I've had three bestsellers.

Oh!

This is unconscionable behaviour!

So I announce my resignation from the Australian Labor Party...

and further announce I'm joining the Greens...

whose membership have asked me to run for a seat in the Senate.

I'm prepared to try and secure you a seat as an independent senator.

What's the catch?

You get the fuck out of Wendy's and my life.

I mean, Cleaver Greene on the left-hand side.

There's a bit of a donkey vote, a bit of confusion,

and he seems to be polling very well at the moment.

You're alright, darling.

I mean, his record is there for the public to see,

and yet there is a possibility

that he's going to be elected as a senator.

I think you're in, Cleave.

We won't know for a bit, but...

it looks like you're going to be a senator.

And, um...

while we're in the mood for announcements,

Missy and I are having a baby.

- What? - What?

So you're going to choose Canberra and politics over Sardinia and me?

He has to. He's been elected.

So it seems there was some confusion

about the meaning of 'Greene' on the ballot.

My clients are screaming green murder.

Even the ABC guy, his name is Green - Antony Green!

It's Greens, Greens everywhere, like a family conspiracy!

And yet the people seem to have spoken, Jack.

Oh, not today, you little brats.

Of all the shitting days.

I haven't trimmed my nose hair in, like, 15 years,

and I thought, "Oh, you know, special occasion, I'll make an effort."

Has it stopped?

Mmm... no.

But I have a styptic pencil.

- That might help. - What's a styptic pencil?

It clots blood quickly.

Oh.

It should be there in the glove compartment.

Right-hand side, I think.

- This thing? - Mm-hm.

Oh. What, do you just...

Oh, holy shit!

- Yeah. - Oh!

Ohh!

Let me look.

It's slowed.

- Great. - Keep applying it, sir.

Excellent.

If I may, sir,

make sure you're camera-left when they take the group photo.

That way your name will appear first in the caption.

Camera-left, so that's... So that's...

You'd be on the right-hand side of the group,

facing the photographer.

Facing the photographer, right.

- Mm-hm. - OK, great.

Excellent advice. Thank you, Jakub.

I have been doing this job a long time.

Ah.

Would you like a little drink, perhaps?

A little settler?

A tiny Polish vodka to calm the nerves?

Oh...

maybe a little settler.

Welcome.

- Senator Greene. - Yes.

Lovely to meet you.

This way.

Oh.

Not a saveloy has passed my lips since last we met.

Vaughan.

We both made it over the line, huh?

- Pretty good. - Yes, we did.

Now, listen, I'm putting up a private member's bill

to increase by 700%

the amount of shooting allowable in national parks.

Oh.

Now, I presume you'll be supporting the bill,

as per our pre-election conversation?

Oh, well, mate, you know, I mean, send me the details, alright?

As I was when I was a lawyer, I'll be a stickler for the detail.

Good.

Oh! Senator Harry, sorry, David Potter.

- Well... - Cleaver.

Fancy us, mate, side by side in the highest office in the land.

Fancy that.

I'm not entirely sure we'll be side by side, Cleaver.

Not unless you want a dose of penicillin.

Oh, Penny.

Didn't notice you under there.

Is it true that you were going to call your party

the Penny Evans Experience,

and then somebody pointed out that that'd make you the PEE party?

Fake news, Cleaver.

- Oh, is it? Is it? - Excuse me...

Well, now you're the PEP party,

I'll be relying on you for the party favours.

Senator. Senator.

Oh, Your Excellency.

Oh, sorry. Just excuse me.

Congratulations on your appointment, Senator.

Thank you, thank you.

It's some time since we were jousting together in court.

Well, indeed it is. Indeed it is.

Now, I've just been told that you're a Jew. Is that right?

- I mean, I had no idea. - That's right, yes.

I'm not quite as zealous as my wife, but, um...

- Yes. - Yeah. My first girlfriend was a Jew.

Incredible. I mean, flashing smile.

Mmm.

Incredibly bright.

Deceptively powerful thighs.

Well, when you have 3,000 years wandering in the desert,

and you don't have Netflix...

Now, how do you feel?

It must be a bit strange having to listen to the Lord's Prayer

all day and all night.

I mean, how's that working for you?

Part of the job. Her Majesty's rep.

- Grin and bear it. - Mm.

May I ask why you're asking?

Oh, no, just... mean, I'm just intrigued by belief, you know.

I mean, I'm... I'm, you know, Catholic, technically.

Well, lapsed... prolapsed Catholic.

So, you know, I mean, it's no biggie for me.

But, you know, I mean, there's Aborigines here,

there's Muslim people, there's Jews...

Maybe it's time to think about reforming the whole thing.

Well, maybe it is.

I mean, you know, we're supposed to be a secular state -

church, state, all that.

It's great to see you again, Your Excellency.

- Lovely to... - Yeah.

The Governor-General has found himself in a scandal today...

Suggesting the Parliament should abandon saying the Lord's Prayer

before each sitting.

The Governor-General has a point.

I mean, this is a secular society,

and to compel a public official, even the Governor-General,

to be standing and listening to the Lord's Prayer in that way...

The Council of Australian Jewry

is up in arms after the Governor-General...

was forced to resign last night

over attacks from a number of religious groups.

If he were, for instance, Hindu or Muslim,

and we have to look to a future

in which a Governor-General of this country

would be proudly Hindu or Muslim.

My mother was a woman dedicated to service and love,

service and love to family, community, and nation.

First speeches are normally fairly sedate affairs.

The politicians, the new politicians,

don't strive to be controversial,

and in fact the tradition is there are not even any interjections.

Now, I promise to do my utmost

to make this chamber one of decency, respect, integrity,

dedicated to the well being of the Australian people.

But then things got interesting when it was Cleaver Greene's turn.

Well done, Senator Harry.

Er, you've outdone yourself.

Mr President, my campaign pledge was to do and say nothing,

and that seemed to resonate with the people,

because I think, like me,

they don't see this as a temple of service and love.

They see it more as a place

of pretty unsightly self-gratification,

the carpets sticky with the forgotten fantasies

of vainglorious old senators past.

Mr President, this Parliament is our national shrine

to wanking.

Well, at this point, the Senate President warned Senator Greene,

but did not throw him out of the chamber.

From you... it's... You're not kicking me out?

- No, I'm not. - I can go on?

- Yes. - I can...

- You can, Senator Greene. - I can... Oh, great.

In April 2003,

I got a bill from Telstrus

overcharging me to the tune of some $240.

So we drove for three... was it three hours?

- Three and a half. - Three and a half hours.

Three and a half hours to listen to you make a speech

that was about Telstrus,