Ne Nous Fachons Pas

My poor chap!

You’re the eternal victim

of your contemporaries quarrelsome temper, aren’t you?

They push you, they provoke you...

they persecute you.

It seems to be your fate. Is that right?

Yes.

Yes... Mister Beretto,

it doesn’t change the fact, that for the third, and I hope last time this year,

you’re being prosecuted for assault and battery.

Whose fault is that, commissioner?

I was driving quietly, slowly, on the right side of the road.

This gentleman ignored a stop sign, and crashed his car into mine.

I politely commented about the offence,

all smiles, when he ran amok and started saying

lots of four-lettered words that I wouldn’t dare repeat, commissioner.

Alright, maybe it was wrong of me to get hold of his tie

and pull him inside my convertible, but that’s it, commissioner.

And that’s how you split his scalp

and burst the arch of his eyebrow?

Well, I just changed cars,

and I forgot the new one wasn’t a convertible, that’s all.

Oh? But tell me: what about the two others?

The witnesses?

They called me a brute, commissioner!

You may go, Albert. You’ll finish this tomorrow.

I can’t leave it like this, sir. - Yes, you can.

Hi, Tonio.

Albert!

Good night, sir. - See you tomorrow.

Five years ago, when I quit, I thought we had a deal.

I wasn’t supposed to see anybody again.

Well?

The cops are chasing us, Tonio.

No, not Tonio: Antoine.

They call me Antoine now. Or Mister Beretto.

Do you think it changes anything about the cops situation?

We must slip away, Antoine. And fast.

We can hide in Genoa, where we’ve got friends.

But we must get there first,

and we won’t make it without false IDs.

Given the warrant that’s been put on our arses,

we can’t dream of crossing any border, except with a gun in our hand,

and we don’t care for that idea.

The Organized Crime Brigade are not clowns.

They shoot on sight. They’re exalted. Bloodthirsty!

Sure. Where do I fit in?

Well, Italy can be reached by sea travel,

and you’ve got everything that’s needed.

Get the Palermo out and fill her up,

you’ll take those two gentlemen to Porto-Fino.

When do I bring them back? - Never.

Gisиle! Jump in the Fiat and drive to the bank.

Bring me four million francs on the company account.

Who are those blokes? - Salesmen.

What do they sell? - Memories.

You know, Antoine, we don’t want to fool you.

We may not be able to give you your money back.

You don’t say?

But we’ve got a debt to collect in Cagnes.

A bloke called Michalon, a small time bookie.

A bad sort. He conned us out of four million.

A forty-to-one winning horse that he "forgot" to pay us.

You’re getting old, chaps.

We sure tried to find him.

At the Turf Hotel, in Cagnes. But he had moved.

There are 150 hotels in Cagnes, and 600 in Nice.

So, since we’re in rather a hurry...

But I’ve got the time, right?

Funny how you changed.

Listening to you, one might think you never had cops on your trail.

Yes, you’re right.

The day after tomorrow, I’m going to Monaco, on a business trip.

I’ll stop in Cagnes on the way back.

What was the name of the pain in the ass again?

Michalon. Léonard Michalon.

I don’t believe this. Antoine!

So you remember my existence after all.

You room, your room, now this is a funny one.

Hi, Marcel. - How are you, Antoine?

I already got it ready for Christmas, then for Easter, then the 15 of August...

I don’t have a single minute of rest. You know how it is, don’t you?

And you want to expand? You’re sick.

What about you? Didn’t you expand?

Yeah but it’s absolutely not the same thing, sorry.

I can’t refuse food to those poor people.

Come as it may, on Sundays, I serve 200 meals.

5000 francs each? How worthy of you!

Oh, stop it!

Marcel! You’ll put the gentleman’s luggage in the pink room.

You must admit we’re peculiar.

We’ve been exploiting dummies for more than 15 years,

and all of a sudden, we became forced labourers.

Not, not that.

And about my expansion, don’t anticipate, it’s not done yet.

I’m going to visit this bloke in Monaco, and then we’ll see.

I’ll be back for dinner.

What shall I cook for you?

Something nice, on your terrace, with the little lights.

Oh, I see: there will be two of you. - Yes.

Still your bleached blonde? Doesn’t it become routine?

Why? Vicky’s cute, isn’t she?

Always well-dressed, good-hearted...

I call her on the phone and here she comes!

Do you know many broads like that?

Who come running when you phone them?

I don’t know any other kind.

But free of charge? That’s another story, of course. Cheers!

Your health.

At what time do you want your romantic dinner?

I told her to be here around ten.

Alright, sir.

The lobsters will be ready and the champagne will be cool.

I just hope you won’t make a scene like last time.

What scene?

I’m not a difficult client.

When the food is good, I never say a word.

The problem is: you never think it’s good.

Ah, well...

Oh, by the way,

since you’re from around here, and know everyone,

could you give me the address of some... Léonard Michalon.

Does he owe you some dough?

What makes you say that?

He owes money to everybody.

Léonard is the Belphйgor of the race tracks.

He’s been taking forty-to-one bets and keeping the money for years.

His last known address was the Turf Hotel, in Cagnes.

Addresses, with that kind of bloke, you know...

Yeah... Well, see what you can do and keep me informed, right? Ciao.

Ciao. Good luck.

THE AMERICAN LOBSTER

Here you are already!

Weren’t you successful?

Pfff. Do you have a safe where I can put this?

What is it? - Money.

in case I struck the deal. - OK, come.

The last creation of Pichй’s.

If you force it, it shoots gas in your face.

Had it existed earlier, you would be blind today.

I wonder where they find those cretinous ideas of theirs.

Here...

I worked for you: we know where your little bookie lives:

at the Pension Regency, just off the highway.

Don’t you think I’ve got the time to pay him a visit now?

The problem is not the time, the problem is you’ll go there for nothing.

Oh? Four millions are nothing in your book? Well...

You put four millions on a horse? You?

Of course I didn’t.

Some pals did. Well.. some friends of mine.

Tell them to forget about it.

Michalon never gave a penny back to anybody:

he’s not about to part with four million, all of a sudden.

And another thing:

when you have that kind of money, you don’t live at the Pension Regency.

Well... if you’ve decided to go there, go, by all means.

Here, take this.

What are you? Crazy?

I even flee from shooting ranges now.

On Sundays, I sometimes use a bow and arrows, and believe me,

that’s my absolute limit.

I’m not joking, Tonio.

Michalon is a coward, a wimp and a jerk,

like all bookmakers, but he’s a crook.

I know the type, you know:

they sometimes become heroes rather than give back a single franc.

Do you have your car keys?

Thanks. If my girlie is early, tell her to wait, OK?

The way to the Pension Regency, please.

Mister Michalon, please.

Michalon... Er... Room 13.

I wonder: do you need a hand?

Now, what the hell was that?

What are you doing in my room?

And what about that one?

That one is dead. - What?

Oh, what sin did I commit?

This is really something!

What sin did I commit?

Will you shut up?

Now, that’s rich. I’m asleep,

you break into my room and you kill this gentleman.

Do you think I like it?

What about me?

You don’t care: this is not your room.

Neither is it his.

Why did he come here, in your opinion?

To kill you. - Oh? You too?

No.

Why have you got a gun, then? - I didn’t.

You’re a big liar, aren’t you?

I resent being called a liar. Get it?

And if I tell you that I didn’t, it’s because I didn’t.

One of my mates probably put it in my pocket, that’s all.

Nice friends you have. Tell me whom you associate with and I’ll tell you...

You won’t tell me anything! We’ve got to get the stiff out of here.

Right...

Come on: get dressed, will you! - If you want. But I warn you:

don’t count on me for carrying him.

After all, I did nothing wrong.