Die Hart 2: Die Harter

I mean, I'm 30,000 feet in the air, right?

They're saying, Kevin, come on, please.

Kev, you got to put on the parachute.

Everybody's going, please, please, Kev.

At this point, they're begging me.

Tell me that the story ends

with you wearing the parachute.

Absolutely fucking not, no! No!

No, I wanted to be authentic. Right?

- It's got to be real. - Yeah.

You know what Tom Cruise calls parachutes? Diapers.

Is that because they fill up when you're falling?

No. Tom told me, he said, Kevin, they put me in a parachute,

they might as well put a diaper on me and send me to pasture.

Look, Kevin... you know,

based on the success of the first one,

we see massive franchise potential with The Jefferson's.

And you know, your agent just keeps saying that you might

be waffling on doing a sequel.

And I'm just here to ask, is it about the money?

Look, Deb, The Jefferson's is amazing, right?

We did amazing work there.

But I'll be honest, when I walk on that set,

I feel like I'm being babysat.

I mean, they give me goddamn stunt coordinators.

I have... I have stage managers, wires, green screens.

Yes, a... and somehow, you still manage to jump out

of an airplane without a chute.

I wasn't telling the truth when I told you that,

but I forgot to say I was lying.

So let's take a pause, right?

Put a pin in that, so you understand

that wasn't the truth. I had to make that up.

I was pretending.

But you know why I got to pretend?

Because I'm not a real action star, Deb.

Kevin, you took a sitcom about a dry cleaner,

and you turned him into motherfucking Jason Bourne.

Okay? You are a real action star.

- No, not yet. - Not yet?

No. But I will be.

When you fund my next project.

Okay.

Deb, now, look, what I'm about to tell you is going

to seem crazy at first, but I promise you,

if you give it a chance, you'll get it.

- Close your eyes. - Okay.

Deb, I want you to picture yourself going up a mountain.

On the ground! Let's go!

Alright, you rich assholes!

Wallets, Rolexes, jewelry!

All your fancy shit!

- What is taking so long? - Put it in the bag!

Let's go!

Just stay calm. Stay calm.

Everything shiny! Let's go!

Get it in the bag! Let's go!

They're coming this way.

I don't have all day here!

Shit, shit! Shit, shit, shit!

Trying to hide, little man?

The fuck did you just call me?

Bet you got a big wallet for such a little man.

Now, put it in the bag!

You want my wallet?

Get back. I got this.

You got what?

- I want your gun! - Shit!

You believe this fucking clown?

Give me your gun!

Whoa.

You're just going to be the first man in history

to shoot somebody with a safety on?

What?

I don't like guns.

Shit!

- Not enough. - God damn it.

Shit.

Nice to beef you, motherfucker.

Hey, it's not about me. It's about you.

I'm glad everybody's safe.

It's a crazy world that we're living in.

- A lot of nut jobs out here. - Kevin!

Kevin? What just happened?

Real goddamn action!

That's what just happened.

- Okay. - Real fucking action.

That's the adrenaline that I want audiences

across the globe to feel, Deb.

This... this was all staged?

Yeah! All of it. They're actors.

I just wanted to give you a little taste of what

our movie was about, right?

This is the movie that we're going to make.

So what I did was, I brought an outline, right?

A little rough outline to give you a little idea

about what we're going to do.

- Boy. - Right?

The world of our movie lives

in improvised action.

It's spontaneous ass-whoopins. That's what this is about.

That guy spontaneously hit you with a gun.

You're talking about Larry?

Larry! Hey! You got me good.

- I'm gonna feel that one. - Yeah, you are.

You goddamn right. Fucking Larry.

You're not well. No, you're not well.

This is about me getting a respect

that I deserve as an action star, Deb!

What is it that you want me to say here?

What do I want you to say?

Deb, I want you to say, I'll do it!

My answer is no. Never.

This is never going to happen,

not at my studio or anyone else's. No.

- Please? - No.

- Can you just give it a... - No, no, no, no.

Deb, can you just...

Can you just please give it a... give it a read?

Okay? Here.

There you go. That's all... that's all I want.

Can you just...

I'll read it.

We did it! Yeah!

Hello, Mr. Greenlight! She loved it, right?

I told you she was going to love it!

What's the budget she gave you? $300 million?

$400... $500 million for this?

Just drive.

I am so sorry, Kevin. That's not... that is not fair.

You are a king, and this town doesn't deserve you.

Do you hear me? You are a king!

You are my king! Praise!

Praise!

Wait a second. Is that her right there?

Is that her, the one throwing away the script?

Is that her right there? Excuse me, ma'am!

Excuse me, ma'am, in the red jacket! How are you?

Kevin Darnell Hart is a national treasure!

- A national treasure! - Just drive the car!

We're going to drive the car!

But honestly, get your shit together!

Nice to meet you!

Drive the fucking car, Andre!

Today is gonna be the most amazing day of your life.

Your papers.

You say the same thing every day, Andre.

- And every day, you're wrong. - Well, come on.

You're just cranky, because you haven't

had your tofu tahini smoothie.

I'll get that for you right now. Sophie! His TT!

I really hate that you call it that.

Here we go. Big gulps.

- There you go. - No.

I'm cranky, because the movie of my dreams just flamed. Okay?

Now, I don't know what I'm going to do with my life.

Well, I mean, come on, man. You still have us.

That's amazing, right? You have us.

What the hell does that mean? Ooh.

Hannah, Sophie, me, your man TJ right over here!

I'm talking about your village!

I know what you need. I know what you need.

A massage.

Nina, these are all set up for the new hot stones?

I can be in about ten minutes.

She can be in about ten minutes.

Kevin, the crew are ready whenever you are.

Yeah. I'm ready.

You got this!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There you go.

God. How you doing?

Good. Great.

Kev, now just pretend you're biking through the Swiss Alps.

We'll CG the Alps in later.

What is that?

I'm on foot, though. I need a bike, right?

We'll CG that in, too. Action!

You just want me to...

Just go for it.

Act like I'm riding a bike?

- Exactly. - Straight arms.

Kevin, look at this. Kevin, look at this.

Hey, man. Not... No!

I can't... can't do this shit! I can't.

I... I cannot do this shit any more! Alright?

I'm tired of the CGI and the goddamn green screens,

all this fake shit!

No...

I want real fucking action!

Kevin, no!

Nina? What's the ETA on those hot stones?

It appears A-list actor

Kevin Hart is back in the news again.

Star of the high-octane reboot of The Jefferson's,

Hart has spent his own money destroying a high-end Hollywood

restaurant in an attempt to woo a studio

boss into financing what he refers to

as a cinema verité-style action film.

This comes just a year after the actor famously