That Mitchell and Webb Look

Very well.

They're coming.

Now we'll see how these Russians deal with a crack SS Division.

Uh… Hans… Have courage, my friend.

Yeah, uh… Hans, I've just noticed something.

These Communists are all cowards.

Have you looked at our caps recently?

Our caps?

The badges on our caps, have you looked at them?

What? No… A bit.

They've got skulls on them.

Mm?

Have you noticed that our caps

have actually got little pictures of skulls on them?

I… I don't, uh… Hans

- -Are we the baddies?

It's Angel Summoner

And BMX Bandit

One can summon angels

The other rides a BMX

They're a crime-fighting duo

Do do-do, do-do, oh, yeah!

Okay, Angel Summoner, the kidnappers are holding a hostage at that warehouse'

but I've got a plan.

Okay, BMX Bandit, let's hear it.

I ride in through that window using my BMX

and spin my rear wheel, kicking some mud up into their faces.

While they're distracted, I'll pop a wheelie'

knocking the guns out of their hands, then you go in and untie the girl.

Right.

Or I could just summon a horde of angels to sort it out.

But then how would I be using my BMX?

Well, you wouldn't need to. The angels would just take care of it.

Oh, okay. We could do that if you want.

- Angelic hordes come forth. -

Thank you, Angel Summoner.

Oh, uh… and the BMX Bandit.

Whatever.

Hello and welcome to Numberwang,

the maths quiz everyone is talking about.

Our contestants today are Julie from Somerset

and Simon from Somerset.

-Julie, any hobbies down in Somerset? -Yes.

-Simon? -No.

Great, okay. Well, if you're ready, let's play Numberwang.

-Julie to play first. -Three.

-Nine. -Sixteen.

-Twelve. -8.2.

-Four. -That's Numberwang.

-Simon to play first. -Twenty-seven.

-Thirty. -Oh, uh, 18.

-Fifty-four. -That's Numberwang.

Let's go to the maths board, Julie?

Uh, I'll have the four, the six and the 3.4.

That's Numberwang. We like those decimals, Julie. Simon?

I'd like the root 14 and the 12.

Numberwang. Round three. Julie to play first.

-Eight minus four. -That's Numberwang. Simon?

-Uh, 109 times 17. -That's Numberwang. Julie?

-Forty-seven. -

That's the Numberwang bonus, triple Numberwang to Julie.

Julie, you're ahead on 77, Simon' you trail on 83.

Everything hinges on the final round. It's time for Wangernumb!

Let's rotate the board.

Let's play Wangernumb. Julie to play first.

-Forty-three. -Simon?

-Uh, 27. -Two-hundred.

-Three. -One.

Ooh… Ah… Eh… That's Wangernumb!

Oh, bad luck, Julie. You've been Wangernumbed,

but, Simon, you are today's Numberwang.

That's all from Numberwang. Until tomorrow's edition, stay Numberwang

and remember out there…

Good Numberwang!

-That bar is badly understaffed. -It's started.

Oh, and that's a bad miss.

It's very upsetting for him.

Harry Vaughan is old enough

to remember the days when that long walk back from the table

ended in the consolation of a proper drink.

Instead all he can do is imagine that pint at the end of the session,

the cooling, lager-y swallow and that first suck on a Lambert.

What a contrast. Look at Harry Vaughan staring mournfully at his water.

Look at that. You could put a goldfish in that glass and it wouldn't even die.

Hello, it's me, Jason. You know me.

I came fourth in Big Brother Seven

and third in Celebrity Big Brother 3 just six months later.

Beat that, Ainsley.

I'm Fiona Ashcroft, professional clothes stylist.

-Yeah, like that's a job. -We get on! Chemistry.

Welcome to another edition of How Not What to Look Like.

Why don't you do that bit.

How Not What to Look Like, How Not What to Look Like.

And this week's volunteer is Anita who's from Coventry

where she's a mother and a home-maker.

-What, a builder or a housewife? -Honestly, Jason.

Yeah, chemistry.

And here she is.

-Oh, God. -Hi.

Now, just before we get started, the burka, is that…

Th… That stays, obviously.

Oh, brother!

Uh, David.

-Yeah. -I'm a bit worried about that, actually.

-Why? -Well, the whole burka thing.

I'm… I'm not sure we quite know what we're trying to say.

Do we have to be saying anything?

Well, no, but…

I mean, aren't we just taking the piss out of people's

sincerely-held beliefs?

Well, maybe but I think you can worry too much about this kind of thing.

I mean, what's offensive to one person

is just good clean fun to the other.

Yeah.

I see you've started blacking up again.

Yeah.

Was that because you were playing an Asian woman?

-No, I just like it. -Right.

-I think it's more… me. -Okay.

Don't you think people might think…

-I don't care. -Okay.

I've got to the point where I just don't care what people think anymore.

They're a crime-fighting duo

Do do-do, do-do, oh, yeah!

Okay, that's the boat with the cocaine on-board.

I'll ride to the end of the pier on my BMX,

hook onto the crane and swing on-board

surprising the burly henchman, then I'll pop a wheelie,

knock them overboard and you can come in and grab the cartel leader.

Yeah. Yeah, sounds good, or we could just use the angels again.

I could summon them, no problem.

Yeah, all right, call the angels.

Shall we?

Fine, do it.

Uh… Right, you don't seem at all happy.

Well, we're supposed to be a partnership

but to be honest I'm starting to feel a little bit overshadowed here.

Oh, right. Why's that?

Well, I think the thing is that your ability to summon

a horde of celestial super beings at will

is making my BMX skills look a bit redundant.

Yeah, well, but at the end of the day it's all about results.

Well, yeah, but I'm quite good on my BMX.

I… I tell you what, we'll use the angels this time

but the next crisis we're involved in we'll solve using BMX-based tactics, okay?

Yeah, okay. Go on, summon them.

- Angelic hordes come forth. -

I could have done that.

-This is nice, Henry. -Isn't it?

It's amazing how restaurants have changed over the last 20 years.

What with gastro pubs and All Bar One,

things like that, it's just so easy now.

Are you ready to order, sir?

Sorry, mate, haven't had a look yet.

Can we order a bottle of the house red to be going on with?

"Mate," "the house red," "to be going on with"?

Where the hell do you think you are?

-Sorry. -Do you know what the house red is?

Are you even an expert on wine? If you're not, I don't know

on what basis you venture to order it.

What happened to the friendly Australian girl that used to work here?

She's gone, sir. They've all gone.

-And we're back. -Who?

The incredibly posh people who are still unaccountably waiters.

And I'm afraid we've changed the rules.

-Well, we'd still like to order. -I saw you in here last week.

I saw you drinking your soup.

I saw you blowing and slurping and dunking your bread.

We were watching you on the monitors in the kitchen

and we all thought you were a dick.

I can't believe you talk to paying customers like this.

I can't believe you're continuing with this.

You know that I can destroy you.

Observe my trolley, these are my weapons.

Today, I'm recommending the consommé, which as every schoolboy knows,

provided your school wasn't free, is to be consumed

only using a vichyssoise fork. It's all in the wrist.

And for sir…

Crab, which you're supposed to tackle using this.

Make sure you kill it right or it's poisonous.

Off you go.

You're not allowed to swap.

My, my, it's like watching The Generation Game.

I expect that's a reference you get.

Right, I've had just about enough of you talking to me like this.

-I'd like to see the manager. -How can I introduce you to the manager?

You haven't shaved, you're not wearing a tie and you hold your ladle like a pen.

Now, take your gaudy but gratifyingly mute girlfriend and get out.

- -Oh, and that's a bad miss.

Oh, and a special thank you to Mrs I Beasley from Suffolk

who's written to say she's been enjoying the coverage

and she's sent us a little present.

Well, people every now and again like to show their appreciation

when they've been enjoying a tournament, so, uh…

Oh, my word, that… that is… That is much appreciated.

Thank you very much, Mrs N. Beanley…

-Beasley! -We won't embarrass you by saying

what it is, but just to say, you know… cheers!

Yes, very nice.

- -Yeah, it's like Christmas, isn't it?