Ted Lasso

Hello, mon cher.

Coach! Over here.

Oh.

Thank God.

Z-man, Dani.

- He looks like a beautiful angel-man. -

Good morning, sunshine.

You okay?

Oh, I didn't want to miss the bus, so I just slept in here.

Sorry, I'm gonna vomit. Sorry.

Oh... Oh, my God.

Wait. What am I doing? This is my fucking room.

Oi! Out.

Hey, you.

Hey. Good morning.

I... I got you a coffee.

- Oh. Thank you. - Yeah.

You been up long?

Um... hour or two.

You know? I guess three hours total.

Last night was fun.

Oh, yeah. Five stars. Certified fresh.

- Mm. Have you got to go? - Uh, yeah.

But, you know, you don't need to rush out or anything.

I got you a late checkout.

Oh. That's very thoughtful of you.

Go on then. You go.

I'm gonna go back to sleep,

and then I'm gonna order a huge breakfast on your tab.

- That's a pro move right there. Yeah. -

Hey, I'll be your Underhills anytime.

Okay. Well, um... I'll see you around, I guess.

Mouad49

Coach.

Hey, Coach.

- Coach. - Yeah?

- Something on your mind, Coach? - No, why?

We just had a five-hour bus ride where you didn't talk a lick,

and that's a record by about five hours.

Okay, look. I'm gonna tell you something

but then I don't wanna talk about it ever again, okay?

- Okay. - I'm serious.

I don't want to make jokes about it.

I don't want you giving me any knowing glances.

- You know what I mean? Okay. - Okay.

Um...

Last night, I, uh...

I slept with Rebecca's friend Sassy.

- Want to talk about it? - I'd love to. Yeah. Immediately.

There you are.

I thought this room was haunted.

No. We sorted that.

Is now a good time?

Yeah. You can come in. She can't hear anything with those in.

You sure?

Gail, you think the royal family are lizards, right?

- - Twenty-three. So young.

What's she listening to?

Always murder podcasts.

Last night was crazy.

Right, yeah. It was pretty sloppy.

I could really use a bucket of coffee

to nurse this hangover.

Do you wanna go get one with me when you're done?

Not today. I can't. I'm busy.

He's lying.

Right. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave,

'cause she's about to go to town on my hamstrings

and I make a lot of noises,

and I don't like people hearing my noises.

Cool. All right. I'll see you around, yeah?

Okay.

'Cause, look, it's just not something I've ever done before, okay?

And look, I got no judgment on people

that have one-night stands, okay?

I mean, if you are, you know, nuts for butts, have at it.

That's what I say.

Coach, did you have fun?

Oh, come on, Coach. I don't like all that kiss-and-tell stuff.

Coach, did you have fun?

And did she have fun?

Mm. Yeah, that movement's, uh, making me feel queasy.

- - Okay. So, then what's the problem?

I mean, maybe I just haven't really come to peace with the fact

that I went from having a mental breakdown

at a karaoke joint in Liverpool

to, uh, you know, sleeping with a woman I just met.

And then somewhere in between there, getting a divorce.

- Well, it makes sense to me. - I must say that this is lovely.

Ever since I was little,

I always used to dream about sitting down with a bunch of mates

talking about the complex dynamics between men and women.

Okay, here's another question for y'all. Uh, should I tell Rebecca?

- No. - Oh, come on now. Why not?

I mean, it'd break my heart

if I found out she was hiding something from me.

- -

What's happening? You having a meeting?

Yep. I'm having lady problems.

- I'd love to get your perspective on it. - No.

Ted, can I be honest with you?

Come on, let it rip.

You seem intent on going 12 rounds with yourself. Why?

What did you do wrong?

He's right.

Time to get you some of these.

What, scissors?

Yeah. To cut yourself some slack.

Wow.

Y'all stuck the landing on that. That was nice.

Tell you what, I gotta get you all some satin jackets made,

with "Ted Lasso's Personal Dilemma Squad"

embroidered on the back there.

That's a clunky name. There's gotta be something better here.

Let me think. Oh, I know. How about, uh, the "EQ Warriors"?

The "Knights of Support"?

Mm. Nah. Sounds like a brand of jockstrap.

Um, the "Proud Boys"?

What about the "Diamond Dogs"?

Attaboy, Nate. Diamond Dogs it is.

Whoo!

Oh, come on, Roy.

I thought you were supposed to be in Manchester.

We played West Ham, so I'm in town.

Yeah. Come in. How you doing?

Uh, yeah, I'm good.

I had ten touches, I had two completed dribbles,

and in the 89th minute they let me take a free kick.

I scored. Got half a chub.

Ah. So you thought you'd bring your half-chub over here then, right?

No. No, I just, uh, wanted to talk.

You know, everything happened so fast when Lasso dumped me.

Oi. Come on. Lasso didn't dump you. Man City wanted you back.

No, no. Lasso could have stopped it, but he didn't. Yeah.

- Ah. Mm... - Just let me finish, yeah?

I dated a lot of girls, right?

But you, you saw an even greater Jamie

inside an already great Jamie.

You made me cultured. Took me to plays and shit.

You hated all of that.

Yeah, 'cause it's confusing.

They do all these emotional things,

make you feel all these emotional ways.

And then they get mad when you start trying to shout out

and talk to them during a performance.

- - It's weird.

You also taught me to try to not get in me own way so much.

So... thank you for that.

You're welcome, Jamie.

You know, this is the first time you've been over to this house

and you haven't sent me some, like, weird sex emoji.

Like the eggplant or the squirting water.

Or the little squirrel.

The little squirrel. I never understood that one.

Well, he's, uh, he's holding a little nut, isn't he?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

He is. Yeah.

Right.

Do you wanna have a drink with me?

Eh... nah.

Unless by "drink" you mean...

So that's how you get sex?

By not trying for sex?

Sometimes that is exactly how it works.

Ah. I never knew that.

- Morning, boss. -

Now, you don't just get biscuits today.

I also got you a little box of chocolate truffles.

- Oh, you fucker. Don't do this to me. -

What you should do is take one of them truffles

and smoosh it in between the biscuits like

it's a little breakfast sandwich...

Yeah, there you go. You got it.

- Yeah. Mm-hmm. -

Yeah. And hey,

I wanna thank you again for being there for me up in Liverpool.

- Oh. It was nothing, Ted. - No, no. It was something.

You got a coupon for life, young lady. Yeah. I got your back.

Think of me as your own personal metaphorical Saint Bernard.

You don't need to be dealing with a metaphorical avalanche

to avail yourself to the metaphorical bourbon hanging around my neck.

Metaphorically speaking. Okay?

All right now.

- Oh! Actually, Ted. - Mm.

If you do want to be there for me,

I have a meeting later with two minority owners of the club.

The Milk sisters.

The most horrible human cocktail

of being terribly dull and yet, they never shut up.

Please join me.

Done and doner.

Perfect. I can just introduce you all,

leave you wittering on, and slip out and do anything else.

How much of the club they own?

2.9%.

I'm gonna round that down to two.

Then I can call those gals the "2% Milks".

Oh, God. They're gonna adore you.

It's gonna be fun. All right. I'll leave you be. See ya now.

In my experience, I've always found that endorsements work best