The Mighty Boosh

Hi. Welcome to the show. My name's Vince.

-And this crazy character is Howard Moon. -Hi. Don't touch me.

Such a joker. He's always doing stuff.

Yeah, I'm not joking. Don't ever touch me. Not ever.

Not now, not when we're out buying corks. Never.

Hi.

Don't touch me.

Hi. Welcome to me.

What you need to know about me is I'm a very powerful actor

and during the following piece I'll be shooting out some hot nuggets of acting

for your pleasure, so stick around.

And in one of the scenes, I'll have the legs of a ram.

-That's not happening. -That is happening.

-I rewrote that bit. -That's the best bit.

Get in your O.

All right everybody, welcome to Bob Fossil's Zooniverse.

I'm Bob Fossil and this is my Zoo… niverse.

Now, over there is the crab and the ocelot exhibit.

Just look at them. Living in perfect harmony

Just like the Stevie Wonder song.

Soak that up.

Over here is a hippo with rickets.

Don't stare at him. He's ashamed.

All right, let's look and move, people. We're losing daylight.

Avert the eyes 'cause some of the animals may be naked.

See the ape in his natural habitat.

The ape is a distant relative of the hawk,

or nancy moth,

which can fly at over 5,000 miles an hour.

And kill a man with pellets made of frozen saliva

and wood.

Apes respond to a whole variety of music

but mainly '70s rock.

-I'm sick of this. -What's wrong with you?

I'm dressed as an ape.

Yeah.

Why can't we get some real animals at the zoo?

-I'm a trained zookeeper. -I love it.

Get into it.

Of course you do. You'd be happy in a shoe.

Everything is easy for you, isn't it?

You know, you see a peanut, day's off to a good start.

You witness some soil, it's a jamboree for Vince Noir.

I need something more.

You know, I'm a man of grand designs. I'm a dreamer.

I'm a schemer.

I'm a little Johnny Beamer. You know me. You know my work.

-It's very strong. -I know.

-Just relax. -I can't relax.

-Why not? -Because of him over there.

-Who? -Dixon Bainbridge.

Look at him, swanning about.

You know, he's only been here two weeks. He's already head keeper.

I mean, where's it gonna end?

That's the highest position in the zoo.

Probably there, then.

-But that should be my position. -I know.

-He's biting my spaceship. -He's got your job.

He's stealing my thunder. What's he got that I haven't got?

Mustache?

What do you think this is here?

What do you think this I've got going on here is?

Come on.

It's not a mustache.

It's a cappuccino stain.

How dare you? This is at least a mocha. Okay?

Leave it. Don't be mocking my mocha, all right?

-This is a month's hard grooming. -Really.

-A month? -Yeah.

-What? A month for that. -Yeah.

Look at his. It's like a ginger horseshoe.

He knocked that out in an hour.

I saw him. Forcing it out, leaning against the wall

Howard?

Announcement.

Would the French man pleases top giving the lion cigarettes?

He's trying to quit.

-Did you go and talk to Fossil? -Yeah.

-You do what I said? -I did exactly what you said.

Tell him you weren't happy with Bainbridge?

-I went up there. -Talk me through it.

I will I'll tell you what I did.

I went up there.

I was all pumped up full of adrenaline, yeah?

I saw his door there. I didn't open it.

Straight through it.

Swung back. It was on a spring mechanism. It knocked me out cold.

-You went back in? -I went back in.

-Good man. -I had some hot Ribena.

Good.

-Did you adopt the stance? -Yeah.

Like I showed you, yeah? Legs apart. Arms in short.

-Like the shrew. -Yeah.

The shrew. They think, "Oh! He's got short arms," then comes the claw.

-That's my move. I designed it. -Genius.

-Did you invent that? -It's one of mine.

-Amazing. -Yeah.

I was utilizing the move, yeah? Shrewing all over.

He couldn't focus. He didn't know what was going on.

He was like that… I went, "Listen, punk!"

-"Punk"? -Yeah.

-Nice touch. -Yeah.

-I just say stuff when it occurs to me. -You're incredible.

I went, "Listen, punk. Me and Howard, we're sick…"

-You didn't mention my name? -No.

Good.

I went, "I'm sick of this. What's going on?

"Bainbridge, yeah?"

"He comes in. Only been here a minute. He's got a massive mustache."

"He's already head keeper. What's going on?"

"You got no animals. What you gonna do about it?

-Whoo! -Yeah.

-What did he say? -He went…

"Oh, I've been stung by the hornets."

You didn't speak to him, did you?

You didn't go anywhere near his office, did you?

Don't even know where it is.

This isn't funny, okay. It's not a joke.

-You know, I should be head keeper. -I know.

Yeah, it's my position.

My right. I've been here longer than him. I should be head keeper.

-Exactly. -If I was head keeper,

-I'd bring you along with me. -Yeah.

-You could be my sidekick. Imagine that. -Yeah.

Sidekick?

-Second in command, imagine that. -Yeah.

Me and you, yeah.

With the right training from me, you could be a…

You could be something.

I don't need training from you.

I'm a gifted child.

-Well… -I can talk to animals.

I'm like Mowgli in flares.

Well, that's true. There's no secret there.

That's why I hired you, you know, that gift.

But Vince, look at me, Vince.

Sometimes I think you squander that gift.

What do you mean?

Well, do you really think the animals are interested in Gary Numan?

-I don't talk to them about Gary Numan. -You do.

-I've seen you doing it. -I don't.

-And you dress them up. -I do not.

You dressed up the lion as Adam Ant.

That wasn't me.

-It wasn't you? -He did it himself.

What?

He did the epaulettes, did he?

-The thing is about Gary Numan… -Don't talk to me about Gary Numan.

Come on. Just this little snippet.

Right. Gary, not only is he a pop star,

he's got a pilot's license.

-Genius. -Great.

Staff announcement.

Dixon Bainbridge, the new head keeper, is about to give a lecture

in them a in hall about his latest expedition to the Arctic.

I expect all employees to be there.

That includes you, Howard Moon and Vince Noir.

I fell off the mountain ledge

but luckily my fall was broken by a wolf.

The wolf attacked me, but fortunately, I had a pistol hidden in my mustache.

As if!

I shot him, but he was only wounded

and he took my hand.

What, in marriage?

Hey! What do you guys think this is?

A Parisian divorce court?

This is a real, live action hero.

An action man.

Now, listen up. I want to see you in my office after this lecture.

Now, shut up and fly right.

Go ahead, honeypot.

Don't worry, Fossil.

Let the little boys have their fun.

After all, I heard it took Howard Moon a month to grow that mustache.

Moon grew his mustache!

He can't grow one!

I've got ten more like that.

After fighting the wolf,

I set off to find the ancient Egg of Mantumbi,

a priceless sapphire as big as a schoolboy's head.

-Wow. Big. -You said it, mama.

Many have tried to find the egg

and many have failed.

It is said that Biggy Shackleton,

the famous Arctic explorer,

knew the exact whereabouts of the egg.

But he was frozen to death by a sudden freak storm

known as Black Frost.

Frosty.

Up until now, the Egg of Mantumbi has eluded me.

But I will return to the Arctic.

Not for the fame, but for Biggy Shackleton

whose icy Arctic encounter left him

crushed into the dust like Rice Krispies under bison.

Let's not end on a down note.

Here's a song.

Why? I mean, come in.

-All right, Naboo. -Don't talk to Naboo. He's very busy.

What's he doing exactly?