Scrubs

So there we were.

Elliot about to get married,

me about to have a baby with Kim,

careening toward a kiss.

We were both terrified because either one of us

could back out at the last second,

leaving the other kissing the air and feeling like a fool.

Ah, the point of no return.

The closing of the eyes.

Time to dine.

Elliot?

J.D., what are we doing?

How the hell did she do that?

Look, what almost happened in there is not about us.

Of course not. Please. Us.

I mean, we're both just on the verge of making giant commitments

and, as usual, we're freaking out.

You're right. And you know what? We can't let fear

screw up our relationships.

Who wants to end up like Snoop Dogg Intern?

Hey. Sorry. Snoop Dogg Resident.

Hey. Snoop Dogg Attending?

That's right, baby. All right.

The point is he hasn't told Josephine that she gives him wowsers in his trousers.

Hey, be cool. Be cool, man. I'm working on it. Okay?

I'm with you, dawg. Just keep it real.

What do we do now? Nothing.

Nothing happened, so we never have to speak of this again.

Hey. Keith?

Keith?

Keith?

Wait, I was already surprised out loud.

I was lonely at home, so I decided to come by and say hi.

Aww.

And then I had one of those weird, crystallizing moments

when everything becomes so clear.

I mean, I should've been relieved that Keith hadn't shown up earlier

and walked in on J.D. and me, but I wasn't.

I wish he had caught us, because the truth is...

I don't want to marry him.

Shut up! Oh!

Honestly, I think I let it get this far

because of how much I want to be married, you know?

God, I want to be married.

Baby...

Hey, I'm sorry for barging in so late.

I hope I didn't interrupt anything important.

Oh... Actually, since I'm diabetic,

Carla only lets me eat one candy bar every six months,

so she was helping me choose which one to go with.

First, we cut out all candy that sounds remotely racist,

which includes all dark chocolate

and I know this sounds weird, but Ju Ju Bes.

Oh... Then Carla was like,

"Well, what about Junior Mints?"

And I was like, "Junior Mints?"

"Baby, if I want my candy to freshen my breath,

"I'll just slap some toothpaste on a Whatchamacallit bar

"and go to town on that bad boy!" You know what I'm saying?

She knows I'm changing the subject 'cause she's sad.

Come here. Come here, Elliot.

No.

Okay.

What did he ask you?

Oh, he just wanted to know if there was anything I needed.

Elliot.

He asked me if they still make Mars Bars.

Come on, Bob, there's an empty table right there.

I'll leave for $10.

Pleasure doing business.

Hey, friend.

What, are you bored up there?

So, how'd it go with Keith?

I haven't told him yet.

His whole family is in town for the wedding,

and so my house is filled to the frickin' rafters with Dudemeisters.

You know how my college girlfriend Stacy broke up with me?

She arranged it so that when I came home from class

I was able to see her writhing in pleasure beneath a big brown butt.

How many times do I have to apologize for that?

I still have nightmares about your cheeks, Turk. Just bouncing and bouncing...

I can't sleep.

Good to see you.

Okay, now or never.

Keith!

Hey there, future Mrs. Dudemeister.

Actually, I'm not sure we decided whether or not

I'm going to take your last name.

You know what? That's not important.

Keith, we need to talk.

What's the matter?

I don't even know how to start this.

Keith, I've been thinking.

I don't feel right watching this.

It's not just us.

That's it. It's over.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. J.D.!

No, Snoop Dogg Attending finally told Josephine how he feels.

Oh. Oh.

Hey, everybody, look. A rainbow.

Oh. Oh.

It had been a while since my near-kiss with Elliot

and the dust was finally starting to settle.

Daddy's home!

Come here! Check out these big pregnant hippo feet.

Wow, those are truly disgusting.

Right? I missed you.

Elliot had broken up with Keith

and everything looked great for me and Kim.

Still, to see how we got there, I have to go back a week.

So, how's Keith?

Carla. Pig-Whore.

Better, actually. It used to be "Stupid Pig-Whore."

It's only been a few days and he's already dropped an adjective.

Wow. Maybe by the weekend you'll just be "Whore."

Hey, Kim, I know because of work I haven't seen you in a while,

but do you mind if I grab a drink with Turk tonight?

Tell her my dad died.

Go have fun with your friend. I'm gonna stay in and eat.

Thanks, babe. Bye.

See, Turk? Now we can save that dad dying thing

to go see the new panda baby at the zoo.

Oh, it's too late for that. She died.

Not Ming-Ming.

Her mama sat on her and then ate her.

Stupid nature.

I can't believe I almost messed things up with Kim.

What is wrong with me?

You're an annoying, whiny man-child.

That question wasn't directed at you.

What question?

Mr. Hutnik,

I see here you were admitted for swollen lymph nodes and abdominal pain.

I'm also having heart palpitations.

Well, I think I can help you with that one.

You see, I'm very, very handsome.

I was gonna say.

Beardface? What do you say?

It's Beardface.

Why do you people insist on calling me Beardface?

May I? Go for it.

Well, I just got here, but if I had to guess,

I would say it's because your face is, like, five-sixths beard.

Damn you!

Carla, which resident ordered a CAT scan on Mr. Hirsch last night?

That would be me, Pig-Whore. It's all in the notes. Aw, can't Pig-Whore read?

Ha! Pig-Whore Read!

See, your last name's Reid, so it works two ways.

Keith's being totally unprofessional.

You were supposed to marry him last weekend.

Speaking of which, I gave you a very high-end cappuccino maker

and seeing as there aren't going to be any nuptials...

Yeah, yeah, you'll get it back.

Great.

Look, Keith and I have to work together.

How am I supposed to fix this?

You can't.

You just gotta let him hate you for a while.

No, we can get through this.

I'm going to go talk to him.

Hey, wait a minute. We only got one cappuccino maker

and it was from my brother, Barry.

Worth a shot.

So, are you gonna answer me or not?

Come on, man. You know why you almost screwed things up with Kim.

Don't make me say it. All right, fine.

The Harsh Truth Rule is in effect.

I'll lay a harsh truth on you, so when you lay one on me you won't feel guilty.

J.D., we don't need...

When you sweat a lot, you smell like eggs.

That's not even true.

Did Carla tell you to say that?

No, why? Does she think that, too?

No. Oh...

All right, fine. You want to know why you almost blew it with Kim?

It's because you knocked her up on your first date

and before you could get to know her, she betrayed you.

And now you don't have strong feelings for her,

and the only reason why you guys are still together

is because there's a kid involved.

Which means you're gonna stick it out with her till the end,

whether you love her or not.

I don't know, man. I don't think that's true.

I don't think it's about her.

I think it's about me.

I have sabotaged every relationship I've ever been in.

Look at it. Molebutt, Tina-Two-Kids,

Rumplefugly, Gift Shop Girl...

None of those girls were good for you anyway.

Well, except for Molebutt.

I don't even know if Rumplefugly was a girl.

Stop it. Fugs was awesome.

Lyme disease and how on earth

could I possibly have figured out such a tough diagnosis so darn quickly?

Because I'm that good.

One more time for emphasis.

I'm that good.

Now, I'm going to have this incredibly fun-sized intern

give you a quick body check for tick bites. Tippytoes!