Prank Night

Oh, what did I do? Oh God, what did I do?

You're okay. It's okay.

You did what you had to do.

You did what you had to do.

Yeah, but I used chicken thighs instead of chicken breasts,

and the kids just love it.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

They clean their plate every time.

Okay, but do you think it would work with turkey?

- I don't see why not. - (LAUGHING)

You might have to add some more liquid,

because the turkey can get dry.

And it's French dressing, you say?

Well, the original recipe calls for Thousand Island,

but I prefer French dressing.

Was that a... is that another fat joke?

You drunk fuck.

- You fucking idiot, Jake. - What?

What the fuck, dude?

Um, excuse me?

Could you take the volume down a notch and watch your language?

My friend and I are trying to have a conversation.

Hey, hey.

Look, um, I apologize for my friends.

Sometimes they can get a little out of control.

Maybe I should just tighten the leash a little, huh?

What do you say?

Uh, it's no problem really. It's just...

Thank you.

Seriously?

Awkward.

If those were my kids...

Just ignore it. Just ignore it.

Don't. It's not worth it.

- Are you kidding me? - I know, but...

Like so fr... Oh, okay.

Honestly, just let it go. Let's just go, let's just go.

Uh, excuse me? Did you just...

Whoa, hey. Nice tits, grandma.

Yeah, yeah. I really like your boobs.

Nice.

Would you talk about your mom that way?

No.

No, but he'd talk about your mom that way?

Excuse me, do you happen to have a problem with your seat?

Because if there is, then I would suggest you go

and sit back down right now.

That is, of course, unless you're looking

for another place to sit, because hell,

if that's the case,

I can find something for you to sit on.

Let's just go.

You know, my face is available, too.

- (JAKE AND STEVEN CHUCKLING) - Oh my God.

You wish.

Just grow up.

Come on, ladies. Where you going?

Hey, you guys need to leave now.

The fuck did you just say?

You heard me, punk. Your time's up.

Get out of my place before I call the cops.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Go have a seat, okay?

Yeah.

It's all good, buddy, okay?

In fact, we were just on our way out.

I apologize for any inconvenience.

You got two minutes to pack up and get the hell out.

Wait outside.

My friend, just wanted to again apologize

for all the, the commotion over there.

In fact, I wanted to grab some snacks before I left,

and goddamn, those donuts smell good,

don't they?

So, you wouldn't happen to have any Boston cream

over there now, would you?

You know, on second thought, I think I'm gonna have

to skip those donuts.

After all, you don't become this hot,

super-ripped sexy beast like myself

by shoveling shit like that in your mouth, now do you?

Get out.

Hey, I'm gone.

Poof.

- Hey, Honey. - Hi.

Oh, hey, let me help you with those.

Thank you! This one.

- Okay. - That one.

Wow! Did you buy the whole store?

Uh, not quite,

but I did get all of your favorite treats.

The uh, gluten-free buns. Your favorite sugar-free pop.

I know how much you love that.

Oh, and I even got... Where are they?

Your vegan chicken wings.

Ugh, did you buy anything edible?

Funny you should mention that, because I did.

I thought I saw a king-sized Snickers bar.

Okay, don't even tease me.

Is there actually a king-sized Snickers

in one of these bags?

Well, you're just gonna have to find out, aren't you?

All right, guess I better get started then.

I'll get that for you.

Do you need a hand?

Oh, these things can be heavy.

Ah! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! You're gonna break my wrist.

I should. What is wrong with you?

Ah! I'm sorry! It was a mistake.

Remind me, now I know that you told me

and I should've written it down, but uh,

Lex's favorite ice cream, butterscotch ripple?

- It is indeed. - Okay, good.

Now, hang on a second.

Is that real ice cream or is that,

that butterscotchy flavored dairy-adjacent garbage

you normally buy?

It's the real thing.

Ah, so she gets real ice cream. What do I get?

What do I get? Oh, what do we got here?

Uh...

Ooh, "Cousin Anna's Gluten-Free Dessert Sticks"?

Correct, yeah.

Why do you hate me?

Stop!

Well.

You can go now.

Don't even think about giving me a bad rating or I will find you.

I just really, really gotta go all out

for her this time, you know?

Lest I give off wicked step-mother vibes again.

Well, if it gives you any consolation,

I do have a fairy tale fetish.

Oh, hey. No, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Hey, hey, hey, I was kidding.

- It's okay. - Uh...

It's okay, it's okay.

There is no reason for you to worry.

Just after last time...

You're worrying about nothing.

Okay, girl, get your shit together.

Just really want Lex to feel comfortable here

in her home that was her home

before it was my home.

I just want her to be happy here in her home.

You just need to tell her that.

- I know. - Okay.

I will. I have a whole plan.

Oh, well, looks like you're gonna get your chance

sooner than you expected.

Hey.

Pumpkin!

Lex.

Joyce.

Welcome home, sweetheart.

So it looks like you've been taking good care of my dad.

I don't know if I've ever seen him looking so fit.

Yes, you noticed! Thank you.

It's a bit of a struggle,

keeping him on the straight and narrow,

but you know...

Okay, if you two ladies will excuse me,

I will be in the kitchen unpacking groceries.

There is a giant Snickers bar in one of those bags

with my name on it.

Not if I find it first!

Seems to be going well so far.

Yeah, yes, yeah.

I'm... I'm gonna take her out for coffee and have like,

a really good talk when the time is right.

But yes, for now, let's just enjoy the moment.

Hey, Cosette.

Cosette?

Cosette!

Ta-da!

None other, in the flesh.

Mm, good to see you, bitch.

Likewise, tramp.

I thought you weren't getting in till tomorrow.

My flight got canceled, but I was able to rebook

on an earlier direct flight.

No five-hour layover and boom!

Here I am.