A Christmas Detour

JACK, I MADE IT. AHH! FINALLY.

THE AIRPORT IS A MADHOUSE,

BUT I GOT HERE IN PLENTY OF TIME TO SPARE.

I'LL CALL YOU BACK AS SOON AS I CHECK IN.

OH!

CAN I HELP YOU?

OH, I'M PAIGE SUMMERLIND.

I WRITE FOR THE MAGAZINE THAT YOU'RE READING. SEE?

THAT'S MY STORY RIGHT THERE--

"100 PROVEN WAYS TO FIND YOUR PERFECT MATE."

YEAH, I'M LIVING PROOF THAT IT REALLY DOES WORK.

THAT'S WHY I'M HERE-- I'M FLYING HOME

TO MEET MY FIANCE'S FAMILY FOR THE FIRST TIME.

WE'RE SPENDING CHRISTMAS TOGETHER.

OH!

YOU MUST BE AS OVERWHELMED AS I AM,

PLANNING A WEDDING.

-MM-HMM. -RIGHT?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS IS MY TREAT.

THIS ONE...

IS ON ME.

BUT DO YOURSELF A FAVOR

AND TAKE MY ADVICE.

MAKE SURE YOU GO DOWN THE WHOLE LIST

SO YOU DON'T SAY "I DO" TO A DUD.

I TOLD YOU TO PRINT UP THE BOARDING PASSES AT HOME.

DIDN'T I SAY, "PRINT UP THE BOARDING PASSES, FRANK.

PRINT UP THE BOARDING PASSES"?

SO WE'RE GONNA KILL ANOTHER TREE

JUST SO WE CAN FLY TO NEW YORK?

SERIOUSLY, MAXINE, YOU HAVE NO SENSE OF THE ENVIRONMENT.

: TWO BOARDING PASSES

IS HARDLY GOING TO TAKE DOWN A SEQUOIA.

WE GOT A PROBLEM!

THIS IS STALE.

WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT ALWAYS KEEPING THE BAR MIX FRESH?

A THIRSTY PASSENGER IS--

...IS A HAPPY CUSTOMER. EXACTLY.

SO I'M GOING TO DUMP THIS

AND GET SOME OF--

YEAH. I GOT THIS, ALL RIGHT?

NOW, GET OUT OF HERE. YOU GOT A PLANE TO CATCH, MAN!

SO WHAT? IF I MISS THIS PLANE,

I'LL JUST GET ANOTHER ONE TOMORROW.

OH, NO, NO. I KNOW WHERE THIS IS HEADED.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO MISS THAT FLIGHT.

COME ON, MAN.

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WERE HOME?

JUST FOUR YEARS.

MM-HMM.

DYLAN, THE STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS

FOR LICKING THE WOUNDS OF A BROKEN HEART

EXPIRED A LONG TIME AGO.

IT'S THE HOLIDAYS.

TIME TO FORGIVE AND FORGET.

MAYBE I SHOULD JUST HANG ONTO THOSE.

THANK YOU.

THOSE ARE THE BOARDING PASSES, AREN'T THEY?

WE JUST STOOD IN LINE FOR NOTHING.

TOLD YOU I PRINTED THEM UP.

ANY SEAT PREFERENCE TODAY?

AISLE.

AISLE.

I'M AFRAID I ONLY HAVE WINDOW SEATS AVAILABLE.

OH! OH. I REALLY NEED AN AISLE SEAT.

LONG FLIGHTS, THEY-- THEY MAKE ME CLAUSTROPHOBIC.

SORRY, MISS. IT'S A FULL FLIGHT.

CAN'T YOU JUST USE YOUR COMPUTER

TO SWITCH MY SEAT WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S?

UH, I'M AFRAID THAT ISN'T HOW IT WORKS, MISS.

UH, IT'S A WINDOW SEAT,

OR I'LL HAVE TRY TO BOOK YOU ON THE NEXT FLIGHT.

OH, NO. NO. I'LL TAKE THE WINDOW SEAT.

I, UH, I'LL PROBABLY SLEEP THE WHOLE FLIGHT ANYWAY.

: WONDERFUL, AND, UH...

HOW MANY BAGS WILL YOU BE CHECKING IN?

OH, THESE ARE MY CARRY-ONS.

WHAT ABOUT THAT?

OH, THAT'S MY VISION BOARD.

THE AIRLINE HAS A TWO CARRY-ON POLICY.

THAT WOULD BE THREE.

I SUPPOSE YOU COULD TAKE THE KNICK-KNACKS OFF

AND SHOVE IT IN ONE OF YOUR BAGS.

YOU DON'T "SHOVE" A VISION BOARD.

THIS REPRESENTS MY ENTIRE FUTURE.

MISS...

PLEASE.

OH...

OKAY. UM... YEAH.

I GUESS I'LL BE CHECKING THIS.

HERE WE GO.

RIGHT ON THE TOP.

PUT IT THERE.

OH, I MISS YOU TOO.

I'VE BEEN SO ANXIOUS FOR YOU TO MEET MOM AND DAD,

I DOUBT THEY'LL SLEEP A WINK UNTIL YOU GET HERE.

OH, DON'T SAY THAT.

YOU'LL NEED YOUR REST IF WE HAVE ANY HOPE OF PLANNING OUR WEDDING

OVER THE NEXT THREE DAYS.

MY MOTHER IS ALREADY ON THE CASE.

YOU'D THINK SHE WAS PLANNING A WEDDING FOR THE KENNEDYS.

OH. OH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA-- MARTHA'S VINEYARD.

WE COULD DO SURF AND TURF!

I'LL MENTION IT.

OKAY, I'D BETTER GET OFF THE PHONE

SO I CAN GET SETTLED IN.

AND YOU GET YOUR REST,

BECAUSE WE HAVE OUR WORK CUT OUT FOR US TOMORROW

IF WE WANT TO PLAN OUR DREAM WEDDING.

["HARK, THE HERALD ANGELS SING" PLAYING, INSTRUMENTAL]

-MERRY CHRISTMAS. -MERRY CHRISTMAS.

OH, EXCUSE ME. HI.

I THINK I'M IN 15A.

HUH. OF COURSE YOU ARE.

UM, YEAH, BUT DO YOU MIND SWITCHING WITH ME?

'CAUSE WINDOW SEATS, THEY MAKE ME--

CLAUSTROPHOBIC?

YOU TOO?

NOT YET, BUT GETTING THERE.

YEAH, IF YOU COULD, UM... YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF-- IF, UH, YOU COULD JUST... SCOOT IN?

THAT WOULD BE... THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

UM...

THAT'S NOT GOING TO FIT.

UM... YEAH. CAN YOU TAKE THAT?

PLEASE? THANKS. OKAY.

OKAY.

CAN YOU JUST HOLD THAT FOR...

"100 PROVEN WAYS TO FIND YOUR PERFECT MATE."

WHO WRITES THIS STUFF?

THAT WOULD BE ME.

NO. SERIOUSLY?

OH, WELL, WHAT DO I KNOW?

CLEARLY ENOUGH TO VOICE AN OPINION.

OH. UH, OKAY. WELL... YOU KNOW WHAT?

GOOD FOR YOU.

I'M SURE THERE ARE PLENTY OF WOMEN OUT THERE

THAT JUST LAP THAT STUFF UP.

I'M SORRY. LAP THIS STUFF UP?

I'M JUST DIGGING A DEEPER HOLE FOR MYSELF HERE, AREN'T I?

YEAH.

I'M-- I'M SORRY. I MEAN YOU NO OFFENSE.

SOME TAKEN.

FRANK...

FRANK, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY.

I'M AWARE, MAXINE.

I'M JUST TEXTING JULIE THAT WE'RE GETTING OUT ON TIME.

OKAY.

TELL HER TO MAKE SURE

THAT THEY HAVE DRIED FIGS AT THE HOUSE,

OR WE CAN PICK SOME UP ON THE WAY FROM THE AIRPORT.

DRIED FIGS?

MM-HMM. FOR THE DRESSING.

FOR THE TURKEY.

YOU PUT DRIED FIGS IN THE DRESSING?

20 YEARS OF MARRIAGE,

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I PUT IN THE CHRISTMAS DRESSING?

WHY WOULD I KNOW THAT?

: SO, WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS,

WHAT I WRITE REALLY DOESN'T MATTER.

: NO. I'M SURE IT MATTERS TO SOME,

JUST NOT TO ME.

I MEAN, COME ON-- AN ARTICLE THAT CLAIMS

A HUNDRED PROVEN WAYS SOMEONE CAN MEET "THE ONE"?

IT'S TRUE.

I'VE DONE EXHAUSTIVE RESEARCH,

INTERVIEWED DOZENS OF PEOPLE

WHO FOUND THEIR SOULMATES.

UGH. OKAY. SEE? THERE.

THERE'S A WORD THAT JUST MAKES ME CRINGE--

"SOULMATE."

OUT OF BILLIONS OF PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET,