Ted Lasso

Lisa Cramlin here with Graham Paul,

breaking down this afternoon's Richmond-Arsenal match.

- Welcome, Graham. - Pleasure to be here, Lisa.

So today was another tough day

for Roy Kent in a stretch of bad days.

- In his last nine games, Kent has had... -

... while his turnovers have nearly doubled.

And today, it was an ignominious own goal...

There you are.

Everyone gone?

Yes, sir. Well, except Rojas.

Darn kid's out on the practice pitch still doing drills.

What a fucking asshole.

- Right? - Yeah.

Somebody order a Roy on the rocks, huh?

How we doing in here? Whoo!

That is cold, man.

Just looking at you in there is making me all chilly inside.

Can you just tell me I fucked up and then go?

Not gonna do that, bud.

I lost us the game. I'm a piece of shit.

Easy now. You had a bad day. Big whoop.

"Big whoop"?

Yeah, big whoop.

You beating yourself up is like Woody Allen playing the clarinet.

I don't wanna hear it. All right?

So just, you know, knock it off. Go easy on yourself. Okay?

Hey. I got your back. Ain't nothing gonna change that.

Look at you in there, looking like a brunette Oscar the Grouch.

- On or off? - Off.

You gotta stop holding on, Roy, please, for us, for you.

Let it go.

- There you go. - Hola, Roy.

We're taking a break. When we return,

we'll take a look at Jamie Tartt's brilliant day for Manchester City.

That's it. Right there. Yep. Beautiful.

Oh, snap. Watch your back, Kate Moss.

There's a new bad girl on the British modeling scene.

- Huh? Yeah? - Okay, I think we've got it.

Brought these in case you need a little biscuit boost. Yeah?

Man, oh, man. You get nervous doing this kind of stuff?

It's a profile on women in football. It's not a big deal.

There's, like, four of us: me, Karen, Delia and Posh Spice.

Oh, come on, now. Being a role model's a huge deal.

Don't you realize that

there's probably a little girl out there somewhere

rocking a tiny eggplant-colored power suit,

and she's just dreaming about becoming a sports executive someday.

She's gonna read this article and she's gonna think,

"Holy smokes. My dreams are possible".

In this scenario of yours,

little girls read The Football Financial Quarterly?

Well, who knows? Little girls are mysterious.

- - And silly and powerful.

I gave up trying to figure them out years ago.

Tell you what, I wish Higgins was here to see this,

'cause he'd be real happy for you too.

I don't know about that, Ted.

When Higgins decided to quit, he made it quite clear

what he thought about me, and it wasn't supportive.

Nope.

I'm filing that under stinkin' thinkin' right there. Okay?

I guarantee you, he'll come around.

- Right. I'm changing the subject. - Go ahead.

How's the team morale going into the final weekend?

I mean, I'm still heartbroken about the last loss.

Are you?

- Of course. - Ah.

- Hey, Keeley. - Hi, Ted.

Hey, did those marketing folks from Tom Ford ever get back to you?

Yeah, they did.

They said they're gonna stick with the models they already have.

Aw, nuts.

I know. But they did say

that if they ever do an everyman campaign or something satirical,

your name's on their list.

All right. There you go. That's not bad.

Can I borrow you for a second, Rebecca?

- Come on. -

My God, it smells of feet in here.

I mean, it just... it just hits you immediately, doesn't it?

It's hot. Like feet funk, right up your nose. Can you smell it?

You're being a right floppy cock, Rebecca.

Why haven't you told Ted yet?

Oh, I'm going to.

When?

Imagine doing something unforgivable

to someone who doesn't deserve it

and then having to look them in the eye and tell them what you've done.

I don't have to imagine. I've done it.

Year Eight, I took a shit in Joanna Wellington's locker.

I apologized,

I was uninvited to her birthday party,

and then we patched it up a week later.

Just fucking tell him.

Sorry, why did you do a shit in her locker?

I don't know. I was 13.

What? Teenage girls are, like, mysterious and dark and dangerous.

- All right. - That is not the point!

- Okay. - Oh, God.

Sorry. Um, wow.

I know women like shoes, but, girls, come on, this is silly.

Sorry, that was really sexist.

Um, I just wasn't expecting there to be anyone in here.

Um, but you are in here, and that's great.

Take as long as you need. Yeah. I'll go. Sorry.

I mean, what would be the point of telling Ted now?

It doesn't change anything.

It would change how I feel about you.

You know, David, we got one final game this season against Man City,

and our goal is to go out like Willie Nelson, on a high.

- Yeah? -

Oh, how about Trent Crimm?

And if memory serves, you're from the Daily Planet, yeah?

Trent Crimm, The Independent.

Ah, yes. That's the one. Okay. What's your question, Trent?

Many of your young players have improved during your tenure.

Then there's Roy Kent.

He played dismally last match. Thoughts?

Well, I think you could ask Roy himself.

He'd tell you it wasn't his best day.

But I'll let you know right now

that Roy Kent is the backbone of this team.

All right, let's mix it up in here a little.

If you're an introvert, I want y'all to raise your hand.

You guys get the next few questions.

Ah! That was a trick!

If y'all were really introverts,

you would've been quiet as a church mouse.

Unless that church was Westboro Baptist.

Those turkeys won't shut up.

Hi, guys. What's up?

Please have a seat.

Okay.

I feel like y'all are about to do some improv comedy

or tell me that you're dating each other.

Either one's cool with me. 'Cause your suggestion is ally.

We have to take Roy out of the starting lineup.

I see. Okay.

It wasn't just one bad game, Coach.

He's showing his age,

and he's made significant mistakes in each of the last five matches.

We just haven't been bitten in the ass by them yet.

But yesterday our butts had teeth marks.

Deep ones. The kind you usually have to pay for.

Hmm.

Guys... I'm not benching Roy.

He's our captain.

But I want you to know that I value each of your opinions.

Even when they're wrong.

I was really hoping it was going to be improv.

I'm Audi 5000.

- You paid someone to bite you? - No, of course not.

Oh, sorry. I...

Been paid.

Where?

Hey. What's up?

I have something I need to tell you.

I'm all ears.

Right, I'm not gonna beat around the bush.

I'm just gonna... get straight to the point.

No faffing around, 'cause that's just annoying,

and definitely no procrastinating.

Procrast... Procrast... That's a good word, isn't it?

Procrastinating. Pro... Procrastinating.

Huh. I wonder what the etymology of that word is.

Obviously, "pro", very good, but "crast"? Crast...

I have no idea. Hey! Why don't we look it up?

- Have you got a dictionary? - Not on me. Are you doing okay?

- Me? - Yeah.

I'm brilliant!

Yeah, I am top of the pops.

Ted, do you think you could do this later?

Yeah, sure. No problem. I'll just hit the rewind button.

Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Just do it. Just do it. I'm a big girl.

I can fucking just... Just tidy up your mess.

Tidy up your mess. Right. Oh, God.

Surprise.

- Rupert. - You seem anxious.

Where's, uh, where's Higgins?

Uh, I fired him.

Why? Higgins is first class.

Except the only negative about the man

was that whenever he borrowed a pen from me,

he would nibble the top like some anxious little puppy.

Good boy.

Yeah, well, he's gone.

Shame. Oh, well. Maybe he'll accept my offer now.

Look, Rupert, are you here to try and buy back the club or...

No, I wanted to tell you something

before you heard it somewhere else.

Bex and I are having a baby.

Surprise, again.

But you always said that...

I thought we could be mature about this.

Oh, you're mature enough, all right.

You're nearly 70, and you're having a baby?

I mean, what are you, a character from the fucking Bible?