Wedding Daze

♪ I love love I love being in love

♪ I don't care what it does to me

♪ Sing I love love I love being in love

♪ I don't care what it does to me

♪ I love love I love being in love

♪ I don't care what it does to me

♪ These pills are fine to pass the time 'til I find my new drug

♪ We'll take our chances we'll last a month

♪ We'll never speak again How I love being in love

- May I help you? - Huh? No.

Thank you. Thank you very much. I'm just browsing.

- Thank you. - So let me guess.

Big night tonight?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

Yeah, actually. Actually, the biggest.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Ménage à trois? - Pardon me?

I'm kidding.

Oh, a ménage à trois.

French for, "Who's that dude?"

So you're looking for something for your girl?

Well, not just any girl, okay?

The most... The most beautiful and incredible

and amazing and...

Well, girl I've ever met.

Okay. Well, if you have any questions, my name is Claire.

Okay. Actually, yeah. Does this come in red?

- I can check. - Also, Claire, does it come any larger?

Much, much larger.

Oh, no.

Hey. Is she in there?

- Yeah, she's in there. - Good. How do I look?

I see your balls.

Are you crazy? Come here. Come here. Up here, up.

- What's the matter with you? - What?

- This? This is the big idea? - Yeah. Yeah. She's gonna love it.

- She's gonna hate it. - She's gonna love it.

- No, she's gonna hate it. - Love it.

No, she's gonna hate it more than I hate it, and I really hate it.

You know what your problem is, Ted? You just...

- You don't understand true love. - Oh, and you do?

I understand that there's a girl that I love waiting for me in there.

And you know what? She loves me, too.

I still see balls.

Can I get you a drink while you wait for your friend?

Hopefully, in a man's life, you do this one time.

Well, I want my one time to be unforgettable.

I want tonight to be a story Vanessa and me will be telling our grandkids.

You almost done with that baby oil?

Yeah. That's it.

Get it in there. Soak those abs.

- I'm gonna kill you. - (SIGHING) Thanks, buddy.

- What's up, ladies? - Oh, goodness.

There you go, beautiful. I brought you some C rations on the house.

Some what?

Oh, sorry. That's Special Forces talk.

Are you in the Special Forces?

That's not something I'm at liberty to discuss.

Anderson, I sell cars. My job is to close a deal.

Trust me. This is not gonna close a deal.

- Give me the ring, Ted. - No. I can't let you do this.

- Give me the ring! - No.

- Give me the ring, now! - No.

Give me the ring!

Just give me the ring! I just want the ring! I've got to propose!

Okay. Hey, watch the wings! Watch the wings!

I'm not gonna lie to you, Vanessa.

Special Ops,

it's a deadly game.

But as a very brave person once remarked,

"Life is either daring or it's nothing."

Do you know who that brave person was?

My personal hero, Helen Keller.

Helen Keller.

Excuse me, Vanessa. I think table 16 needs more garlic knots.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?

I am Cupid, god of love.

Dear God!

Shooter! Shooter! We got a shooter!

Down! Everybody, down!

Down! Down!

Anderson!

- You know this perp? - He's my boyfriend.

I didn't know you had a boyfriend.

Anderson, get up! Get up!

You could have gotten yourself killed!

Vanessa, I...

I wrote you a poem.

"I am Cupid, god of love

"I come from skies far above

"Bringing love to all I see

"Now I have found some love for me"

Fag.

"And so I get on bended knee

"To ask, Vanessa, will you marry me?"

Vanessa?

Oh, my God. She's...

Nessy?

♪ I stopped to think about the bad times that I've had

♪ It puts a smile on my face

Curled up with nothing to do

♪ Why is the sun always out when I'm feeling blue?

♪ It must be you Oh, it must be you

♪ It must be you

♪ Oh, it must be you

♪ When I took my first drink of alcohol

♪ I saw the Angel of Death floating over us all

♪ With a smile on my face I just wept

♪ How does a grown man laugh in the face of death?

♪ It must be you Oh, it must be you

Hey, you hungry?

Did I ever tell you what she smelled like?

- What? - Dew drops.

- She was perfect. - Nobody's perfect.

- She was perfect. - Nobody's perfect.

Okay. Like, you know how most people have wrinkly knees?

Okay? Hers were perfectly smooth, like billiard balls.

- You know what I used to call her? - What?

- Billiard ball knees. - You know what might be fun?

Not talking about your dead girlfriend. Huh?

I still see her sometimes.

- Here? - Just forget it.

You know, I'd like to, Anderson, I really would,

but you won't shut up about it.

She's been dead twice as long as you knew her. Get over it.

- I'm sorry, "Get over it"? - Yeah.

How do you get over perfection? How do you get over perfection?

You look around. Maybe there's another perfect somebody out there.

Here we go.

Don't talk to him like that. - Eat that goddamn spaghetti.

This is just what the therapist was talking about.

We're wasting enough money on that therapist.

I don't believe you.

Who wanted to come here? Not me.

- (EXCLAIMS) - I am so sorry. What did you just do?

What did you do?

Satisfied? I looked around.

I'm just saying,

don't throw your whole life away 'cause you killed your girlfriend.

- Fiancée. - Technically, she never said yes.

Anyway, I don't know if you're gonna find anyone else

whose butt smells like gumdrops or whatever,

but I know you won't unless you try.

So is that it? Is that it, huh? You want me to try?

One time. That's all I'm saying.

- One time. I try, you get off my back. - You have my solemn word.

Fine.

Fine, Ted. I'll try. I'll try.

Hey. Can I get you guys anything else?

That's what I'm talking about.

Back on the horse.

Is there anything else I can get for you?

Will you marry me?

- Excuse me? - Will you marry me?

Stuart, you're flapping... All right. Pigs? Three little pigs?

A banjo? And piggies?

Deliverance!

- Oh, my gosh! Like a machine. - Oh, man.

- Oh, my God. Oh, you guys are so fast. - That was great.

Okay. It's my turn, and this is a really good one.

So I need you all to pay attention. Especially you, mon amour.

Give me the little hand.

- Isn't he the cutest thing ever? - Hey, I resent that.

Isn't it getting kind of late, you guys?

Oh, what's the matter, Cinderella?

You're not gonna turn into a pumpkin, are you?

Do I know how to push her buttons, or what?

I am pushing your buttons.

Honey, do your charade, okay? I have to get up early tomorrow.

Aye, aye, Captain. Okay.

Oh, wait. We can't do this...

Incoming.

Here we go. Last one.

- Four words. First word. - Four words. First word.

- Me... Me... - Shazam.

William! William! Shorter. Willie. Will!

- Will. - Will. Okay.

- Second word. It sounds like... - Second word. Sounds like...

- Rockette. Boot. Shoe. - Shoe.

You.

Fourth word.

- Me, it's me again... Me? - Me?

- Oh, it is "Me." Okay. - Will you blank me?

Hey, buddy, there's ladies present.

All right, well, you know, that's just tasteless, Stuart,

- for God's sake. - Sorry.

All right. Will you blank me? Third word.

Saunter.

- Marry? - Stuart, he's proposing.

Katie, will you marry me?

Yes! Yes! She says yes!

- Honey? - Katie!

Katie!

Katie!

Honestly, Katherine,

do you have any idea how embarrassing that was for me last night?

I didn't say no, Mom. I just said I needed to think about it.

What's there to think about?

That boy is a catch, and he's crazy about you. God knows why.

Just tell me, what is it you want? Because William is perfect.