Tig

Oh, I have to...

God, I can't focus. Oh, Michael.

- Yes, hi. - Here it is.

- Is this all it? - Yeah.

- Okay, I'm gonna tape this to the stool. - Thank you.

Hi, Sarah and Zach. Thanks for coming.

Ow!

Sorry. Thanks for coming.

Why won't anyone be nice to me?

- It's hard being Tig. - Mmm.

- Hi, Tig. - Hi, Zach.

I can't do it for much longer.

- Hey, Tig, happy anniversary. - Thank you.

- How much time do you want me to do? - What would you like to do?

- Zero. - Okay. Perfect.

- Can you do 15? - I'll try. I have a tight five.

Okay.

Fifteen.

- How much are you gonna do, Tig? - Probably 45.

- Oh, you are? - Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Uh, what?

- I know. - You're gonna host?

No, I think I'm gonna go first.

- Yeah. - Good.

- And then Sarah, and then me. - Lovely.

Do you want an introduction at the top, or do you wanna walk out?

- I should-- - Louis C.K. just walks out.

- You should do what Louis does. - And he did last night.

F U, C.K.

What if this show is a bomb?

Oh, my God, it's not gonna happen.

Comedy is always a risk.

But, a year ago today,

when I was waiting over there for Ed to announce me,

I was just, like,

"No idea how this is gonna go. No idea how this is gonna go."

Good evening, hello.

I have cancer, how are you?

I came on stage not knowing if I was gonna live or die.

And because my life had fallen apart so quickly,

I kind of assumed I was gonna die.

I was talking to a friend of mine, and she said,

"Yeah, I stayed up late watching the Princess Diana funeral."

She said, "But after a while it was just

the car going down the road with a casket in back."

She said, "I got so bored, I ended up turning it off."

She said, "Did you see it?" And I said, "Yeah."

And she said, "Well, what ended up happening?"

In high school, I was, um...

I was voted least likely.

I've been runnin' with it ever since.

I hated school.

I failed three grades and then dropped out.

I'm pretty psyched about how things are going.

But I did get my GED.

Not only has nobody ever asked to see my GED,

but my cat ate it.

The last grade I graduated was seventh grade.

I have a seventh grade education.

Thank you.

I struggled in other jobs and been miserable and failed at 'em all.

Stand-up was that thing that when I found it,

I was like, "Oh! I'm a comedian.

Why didn't anyone tell me?"

People always have a hard time understanding my name,

especially over the phone.

I was on this call with this guy, and we were gonna hang up

and he's like, "All right, well, look.

I don't feel real comfortable callin' you this,

but I guess I'll see you tonight, pig."

I was like, "Well, you know, to tell you the truth,

I don't feel real comfortable with you calling me pig either."

You're treated like nothing in the early days,

and you're making no money.

You know, I would camp in my car in-between gigs.

I had never been so happy and fulfilled in my life.

One of my favorite things about doing stand-up

is when comedians take the mic out of the mic stand,

then move the mic stand out of the way.

Some comedians move it even further.

It's like, "Where are you headed?"

"Where does this go? Got to get this out of the way."

Do you work here?

Can you hold this?

When a show is going well,

it's just, kind of, the ultimate. It's the peak.

It's such a rush.

It's a room full of, "Oh, I get you."

They get me, I get them, and they get the person next to them.

Everyone is like, "Yeah, we get it."

My next guest is a comedian who hosts the podcast Professor Blastoff.

You can catch her every month at the Largo theater here in L.A.

She just released her debut album, Good One.

Please welcome the very funny Tig Notaro.

Tig Notaro, everybody!

Hi.

Uh, how's it going? Good.

I live here in Los Angeles,

and I was walking through my neighborhood down the sidewalk,

and I was passing this guy,

and right when we were passing each other,

right when we were passing each other, he said to me,

"Ah, them little titties.

I thought you was a man."

It's like, "Okay.

Okay, if you think that. And okay if you say that,

to yourself."

But that thought had to go through several layers of filters in his mind,

and a checklist,

and he still decided,

"Yeah, I'm gonna need to say this."

My career has always been just, kind of, going steadily up.

In early 2012, I was busier than I'd ever been.

I was touring all over the country,

I was doing my weekly podcast, Professor Blastoff.

I was doing a regular show at Largo.

I was in a pilot, and something that was very exciting,

I was gonna try and get pregnant.

I was working more in town than out of town, and that's...

That crucial element to having a child and a family

is that you have to be home.

And that was starting to look way more possible than ever.

- Sound speeding. - A only mark.

And from Tig's entrance.

Action.

Have you seen my stress ball?

God!

I was filming the movie In A World and I was like, "I don't feel well."

A only mark.

I was aware that she was sick, but she seemed great and fine,

and was making jokes and really funny.

"What?"

It didn't seem that serious.

Uh, tell me more here.

Mark.

At the end, I was lying down in-between shots

just trying to rest.

And then I collapsed.

Oh, my God. I cannot believe you're in the hospital.

Tig? Oh, my God, what happened?

Hi, Tig. It's your mommy.

I hope you're feeling better. Give me a call, and I'll be happy.

I was in so much pain.

The doctor said my insides were inflamed beyond recognition.

And he didn't know what was wrong.

She just was so sick.

You know, when someone doesn't complain and you really see pain on their face,

it's a lot scarier.

After, like, a week, it wasn't going away.

And I thought, like, she might not make it.

The doctor said,

"We're gonna test you for this thing called C. Diff,

and we hope it's not that."

But it was.

C. Diff is a bacteria that will just take over your entire digestive tract

and eat it alive.

I couldn't eat food. I lost over 20 pounds.

I had become a skeleton.

The day she got into a chair, that was a big moment.

Sweetie, who got themselves into a chair all by themselves?

- I did. - That's right, you did.

It was us being, like, excited

that she was able to get up and sit in a chair.

I got out of the hospital a week before my 41st birthday.

I was thrilled to be out of the hospital.

But I was still in a lot of pain. I was very weak.

When I was diagnosed with C. Diff, I thought it was...

It was the worst possible news... up until that point.

I had no idea what was to come.

Ric and I wanna come out to California.

Happy birthday.

We wanna come out and visit.

I love you.

A couple days after my birthday,

my phone rang and it said, "Parents."

I missed the call again, and it went to voicemail,

and I thought, "That's probably my mother calling to wish me happy birthday again."

Hi, Tig. I'm afraid I have some terrible news.

Your mother fell last night and, uh...

it looks like she's not gonna make it.

Please give me a call.

My mother and my stepfather were watching Jimmy Kimmel,

and she got up and fell. Hit her head.

My stepfather checked her head, and she was talking and seemingly okay.

He decided to go to bed, and she stayed up.

In the morning,

Ric saw that she had blood coming from her nose and mouth.

She was never... never conscious again.

My brother, Ric and I went to the hospital to say our goodbyes.

She lived 12 hours off of life support,

and it was really horrendous.

My brother and stepfather ended up going home,

and I was just there by myself.

They said there was zero brain activity, and I believed that,

but I made up in my mind

that she knew I was there.

I just...

really...

wanted her to know that I was there.