Michelle Wolf: Joke Show

It seems like...

It seems like over the past couple of years,

we've developed this amazing ability

to get mad at anyone for any reason.

Like, I saw otters in real life,

which was very exciting for me. I love otters, big fan.

So, I post about it on Instagram,

'cause that's how you prove that life happens.

And then this woman responds to me.

She was like, "You know, I used to love otters too..."

"...but then my husband told me that otters rape baby seals.

I just thought you should know.

Be better."

Okay.

Uh, couple things.

What's going on with your marriage?

How is that where you're at conversationally?

He wanted to ruin otters for you. He had to look up that fact.

It's true, by the way.

But he had to look that up.

That's not something they're just giving away on Planet Earth.

He had to do a deep dive.

Much like that otter did into the seal.

No, don't you start groaning already!

But, also, she told me this 'cause she thought she knew me.

She's like, "I'm a fan of yours, and you're a comedian,

which must mean you're a good person."

"So I know once you hear this fact about otters, you will change your tune.

You'll be on the right side of history.

You definitely won't use this in a bit."

"Otters rape baby seals.

I thought you should know."

You don't know me!

Maybe that's why I like otters.

Maybe I think seals have been getting away with too much for too long.

Also, whatever you do, you gotta stop saying "rape."

These are animals.

No animals are asking for consent.

What kind of weird, fairy tale animal sex happens in your head?

How do you think your Labradoodle was made?

Aww!

Did you think a Lab just fell in love with a poodle?

That they saw each other from across a field

and thought, "Let's make hypoallergenic puppies"?

Some breeder was like,

"A happy accident, love wins."

There are two ways you're getting a Labradoodle.

Either some dog breeder jerked off a Lab, and then shoved that jizz into a poodle,

or it was puppy rape.

You can choose whichever one makes you feel better about life,

but it was definitely one of those two.

This wasn't Lady and the Tramp, this was two dogs, one cup.

And for the otters,

if you want to say rape, all right, how do you know?

Did you talk to the seal?

Did you get a statement?

For all you know, the seal could have been up on a rock and been like,

"Hey, otter, want to make a new animal?"

And, yeah, an otter-seal hybrid?

The cutest animal in the world?

I will hold the seal down.

And you only care 'cause seals are cute.

If I was up here being like, "Otters rape rats,"

you'd be like, "Good, 'bout time."

You don't have to have a stance on everything.

You can just like some things. It's okay.

You can find bad information about everything out there.

You can look it up on your phone

that was made by a child.

And you can find bad information about every single thing out there,

but you'll make yourself miserable.

You're too woke, go back to sleep a little.

It's not like I was posting pictures of Kim Jong-un,

being like, "He seems like a fun guy."

Which, if you only look at pictures of Kim Jong-un,

he does seem like a fun guy.

We can't wait to hate people.

We can't wait to have them canceled,

and because of that, we get mad before we get logical.

Like, me liking otters could have very easily turned into,

"Michelle Wolf loves rape."

And, sure, I have a fantasy, but I don't love that I have it.

Social media has made every opinion valuable,

especially if it causes a controversy.

Like, right now it's tweets and Instagram,

but before that it was blogs, and before that it was manifestos.

I personally love manifestos

because you know when someone writes one of them,

they're fucking crazy.

And that's all your tweets are. Your tweets are just teeny manifestos.

And you know what blogs are, right?

Blogs are a conversation no one wanted to have with you.

Even when you were typing it,

your computer was like, "I hope I die, I hate this."

We have such strong opinions, and we can't just let them be opinions,

we have to fight over who's right and wrong.

I'm fighting with my friends.

Like, I have a friend,

she's really worried about immigrants coming in and taking our jobs,

and I'm like, "Well, you're a stay-at-home mom."

Ball's sort of in your court on that one.

I'm much more worried about Americans taking immigrant jobs.

I got a massage from a Midwestern white lady.

Felt like a cat was walking on my back for an hour.

And not like an angry or a hungry cat, just a happy cat.

Trying to find a place to sleep.

Then, a couple weeks later,

I got a massage from a Korean man,

and he pressed into my back

with the pressure that he had left his whole family behind.

That's a great massage!

You need a massage from someone who's been through something.

You can't get a massage from a woman named Meredith,

where the worst thing that ever happened to her is the one time she got bangs.

Plus, you don't want a massage

from someone who wants to give you a massage.

You want a massage from someone who has to give you a massage.

These are two very different people.

Someone who wants--

Someone who wants to touch your naked back for an hour?

That's a serial killer.

Someone who has to give you a massage?

Someone who's like, "This fucking piece of shit...

comes in here and says her neck is sore from sleeping wrong?

I work 70 hours a day.

I live three states away and I bike to work,

and this piece of shit..."

And the whole time you're thinking, "This is a great massage."

Such strong opinions.

This same friend,

she's one of those people--

She doesn't understand why some people can't afford health care.

Uh, she's really rich and she's not a good person.

It is though, it's really hard for a lot of people to afford health care.

It's particularly hard for women to get maternity care.

And I do think part of the problem is that women,

we're still too cute about all the stuff that happens to our bodies.

We gotta stop being cute.

Like, when we have a baby, we say it's a miracle.

Stop it.

These men hear "miracle," and they're like,

"Yeah, so why do you need health care? It's a miracle."

First of all, having a baby is not a miracle.

A miracle is going to bed with one foot and then waking up with two feet.

"Oh, it's a miracle.

I gotta go shoe shopping.

Get some of those lefts."

Having a baby is not a miracle,

it's a natural disaster.

And we need to describe it like one so we get the health care that we deserve.

Like, when Florida gets hit with a hurricane,

they send help because they show you how bad it is.

They're not like, "And then Florida was kissed with wind by God."

No, they send reporters, they show pictures, they get testimonials.

That's what we have to do after birth.

Get a reporter in there,

put 'em in one of those weird raincoats.

Like, "I'm here in Martha's vagina,

and things are bleak.

Roads and bridges are out.

Man cannot survive.

Debris is everywhere.

I have Martha's husband here, let's see what he has to say."

"I mean, you try to prepare, and, uh..."

"Well, it's just... my home is gone."

Gotta stop being cute!

Same thing with periods, too cute about those.

"Periods," that's not even the right name for it.

All the names for periods suck.

"Period," "time of the month," "Aunt Flo." They all suck.

You know what we should call a period?

A period should be called: "bloody tissue falling out of a hole."

If you went into work...

and you were like, "Hey, I got bloody tissue falling out of a hole,"

they'd be like, "Yeah, take the week."

I know, I talk about periods a lot,

and I know, men, I know they're gross.

Women know they're gross.

We-- We get it.

There's never a time we wake up and we're like,

"Oh, I'm so excited to clean up a crime scene."

It does make you wonder, though.

Are there more women who murder?

We've just been so good at getting out blood.

A skill we learned at age 11.

Like, "No one must know."

Yeah, I clean out my vagina once a month,

I think I can clean up a body twice a year.

Periods are gross.

I know they're gross,

but I talk about them a lot because I want men to be more comfortable.

But then, I was thinking how women,

how we would act if men were the ones who got periods.

And you know what? I don't think we would be very nice.

I think as soon as a man got his period,

we'd be like, "Get in the shed, Kevin. Kevin, get in the shed.

No, you're very leaky.

And when you're in the house, you're only on the linoleum.

Don't you-- Don't you dare go in my living room.

That is a new slip cover and you're very leaky.