Christmas Time

Dear Santa, hi.

I know I'm probably too old to still be writing to you,

but it's tradition and I enjoy it.

For Christmas this year, I would really like a phone.

I've asked my parents before,

but dad says he doesn't want me to spend my whole life

on social media.

I'm almost 14, but he treats me like a child.

Dad hates Christmas.

He always spoils it by taking us to some boring ski resort,

"To escape the madness," he says.

If I'm not allowed a phone,

maybe you could help me with something else.

I know it's not something the elves can make,

but I would really like a boyfriend.

Can you magic up a love potion?

All my love, Holly.

Settle down please.

Shh!

Thank you, now, as a reward

for your good behavior,

I'm sure you'll be thrilled to hear

that there is no home homework to be set this weekend.

That and the fact

that I shall be taking a few extra days off next week

so I won't be here to mark it.

Yes, good for you, sir.

- But that's not to say we can't leverage the onslaught

of Christmas consumerism and learn something.

So who here believes in Santa?

No way.

- Sadly, it is the nature of physics

to hear the loudest of voices

over the most comprehensive ones.

Who can use their knowledge of physics

to come up with a plausible rebuttal

as to why Santa may or may not exist?

Duh.

Is that your answer, Doug?

- One man cannot possibly travel the world in one night

with stopping to deliver millions of presents to boot.

Scientifically speaking.

Reindeer cannot fly.

- Yeah, but it's more than one night

if you consider all the time zones.

- Yes. - Good point.

He would have about 31 hours,

assuming he travels around the world from east to west.

Okay, well, let's work out

how many children he'd need to visit, shall we?

Now, there are about 1.9 billion

in the world under the age of 18,

but let's assume for argument's sake that he only delivers

to those who believe.

So we'll cut that in half.

Subtract babies who have no real understanding yet,

as well as non-Christian faiths and cynical teens.

That leaves us with about 300 million.

Don't forget the naughty list.

- What, no, you're joking, right?

- Dear Father Christmas, there are toys I want.

The only toy I want is a wooden go-kart,

but what I really want is for my dad to like Christmas

as much as me.

I'm scared he is on the naughty list.

- Let's assume that one in five are delinquent enough

to make the naughty list.

Santa would have to deliver presents

to 240 million children in 31 hours.

Now, that works out at-

2,150 per second.

Excellent, Alfie.

There you have it,

we now have a scientific argument

as to why Santa's task is impossible.

You might wanna jot that down, Doug.

- If that was the only equation, it would be impossible.

But as Einstein said, time is only relative to speed.

And?

- Well, Sir, Santa could be roaming the earth

at a different speed of time to the rest of us

in a sort of parallel time dimension.

This would mean that 31 hours in our time could be months

or even years if time is moving at a slower speed

in Santa time.

- Hey beanie brain, explain how the reindeer fly?

Ever seen one do that?

- Just because you haven't seen something,

doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

- Okay, well explain how he gets into all of those houses.

Not everyone's got chimneys.

Does he just break in?

- I know you're not asking with any degree of sincerity,

but it'll be too risky to go down the chimneys.

He uses the magic key, then goes through the front door.

- Oh my God! - Shh!

- I need your help also.

I bet my friend that you're real and need to prove it

by you bringing me a dragon.

Lots of kids at school have stopped believing in you

and tease are ones that do,

so I would like muscles to protect everyone

from the bullies who don't believe.

Alfie, a minute.

I'm sorry if my attempt

at a fun exercise put you in a tough spot earlier.

No worries Mr. Snowdon.

I enjoyed it.

Are you gonna take the extra time to put up your tree

and make some cookies maybe?

- Actually, I'm taking my family away from the stress

of the festive season.

We do it every year to a ski resort.

No Black Friday sales

or lining up to sit in Santa's lap for us.

- Oh, Snowdon, I thought you'd be on the slopes by now.

- Oh, I had a little student damage control to take care of.

- Is Doug still pushing your button?

- Actually, I made the mistake of assuming

that the whole class didn't believe in Santa Claus.

- They're not all jaded by 15 you know?

I know that now.

- Especially after that key video went viral last year.

Key video?

Here we go.

- You must have seen it on social media.

I don't really do social media

or Santa stories for that matter.

- Oh come on, the 10 year old boy from London,

he claims Santa left his magical key behind.

The kid then records himself using it

to get into every house down his street.

- Yeah, his dad's doing time for burglary now.

Don't listen to him.

As a parent, you really must watch it.

I've sent it to you.

So, bah humbug.

All right.

No key can open every door.

I have to agree with the coach,

that is just blatant burglary.

- Hey, give that back, it's mine!

- I would like muscles to protect everyone from bullies

who don't believe.

I believe you're a loser.

- You can wait for your mother in the principal's office.

You better hope he is real

'cause you're gonna need those muscles.

- Seriously, Christmas music on every station.

Ugly and garish.

Complete waste of money and electric.

Oh, joy, the high street.

Man dressed as an elf.

Must be 50 years old, get a grip.

Black Friday, what's next?

Scarlet Wednesday, mauve Monday.

We don't even have Thanksgiving over here.

It's just more American rubbish.

Oh, I can't wait to get away.

Oh, Bob Johnson.

It's no wonder Doug's such a nightmare, awful family.

I feel sorry for his wife, whichever one he's on now.

What is he wearing?

He's an embarrassment.

- Free car, free tree with any car.

Not a free car, or I'll have you buy a tree for 24 grand,

you can have a free car.

Come on now, Johnsons.

Terrible man.

- You know about someone who wants a bargain, sir?

No, then free tree with any car you buy,

only here at Johnsons.

I hate Christmas.

I hate Christmas.

Oh, for God's sake.

Harry and Hailey.

I know, of course they're not.

Holly, you should be packing.

- Holly, hang up the phone. - Mom!

Talk to you later.

- Michael got in a fight with Brad at school.

- Oh, that boy is just like his father.

- Give Michael more credit than that.

- I'm serious, the Johnson's are all the same.

Brad's been bullying Michael for years.

His older brother, Doug's just as bad.

You can't even get me started on the father.

I've just seen him outside giving away free Christmas trees

in the freezing cold.

He's the most obnoxious man on the planet.

- Can I go to the post office after dinner?

I hear you had a bad day.

It wasn't my fault.

Well, one thing's for sure,

Brad Johnson will definitely be on the naughty list.

I think we should go now.

What if they close? - Here, I'll take it.

- Don't read it. - I won't.

This time tomorrow,

we will be far away from here when none of this will matter.