Mooch

Deep in the Garden State,

past the noises and bustle, a worm dances on a rock.

Until perched on a cliff,

sits a nest of Wagtails chirping eagerly for food.

Their mother arrives with a worm, feeding her brood.

But as she does, another wagtail swoops in,

stealing the prize, the mooch of the forest.

Instinct runs deep in the animal kingdom,

and habits are hard to break.

Try as they might to blend in or follow the rules,

the inner desire for a shortcut will always shine through.

No matter how hard they try, one thing never changes.

Once a mooch, always a mooch.

Oh my God, I forgot how comfortable you are.

Oh, I hate your music.

Me, or my music?

Your music.

That's even worse.

Bye, my angel.

Hey, can you pick up dinner?

I have to redesign the website proposal for Thursday.

I'll pay.

I'm going out with the guys tonight, remember?

That's right.

Your fake birthday party you didn't invite me to.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

Actually, I have something for you.

-Oh, you do? -Yes.

Hm.

Why are your hands in your pockets?

Um. They're cold, I guess.

Shane!

Leslie.

Oh, fine. I didn't want you to see them.

Seriously?

What, are you in middle school?

Yes.

Tomorrow it's right back to high school, though.

You need to get a job.

That's why I have you.

-Shane. -I'm kidding.

I'm not marrying a 30-year-old caddie.

I'm 29, actually.

Bye.

-Pay the utilities. -On it.

Still cold.

Every damn day, Linda, why are we living

in this cheap ass neighborhood?

Whoo!

What the fuck?

I hope you get into an accident today.

Same to you, buddy.

Shane.

Sunny day today.

We can expect much more--

Shotgun start today.

So, make sure you direct your group to the right hole.

We're playing a scramble.

Sorry, guys. What's up, Jordan?

Early bird gets the worm, Shane.

Early bird gets the WORM.

All right.

Head off to your assigned carts. Have a good round.

Best caddies in New Jersey.

Get your assignment, man.

Uh. Hey, Jordan.

What is it, Shane?

My assignment?

Oh, let me check.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Oh!

You didn't get picked.

But, it's a beautiful day.

Uh, go sneak into a movie or something.

Wait, wait, um, like, can't you switch some things

around with that fancy clipboard?

You know, or just give me Rollie's assignment.

His parents are loaded.

Shut up, Shane! Don't do that, Jordan.

Relax. I'm not.

There's more to life than making money, Rollie!

Yeah? You wouldn't know.

Oh, you wouldn't know.

I'm, I'm sorry about him. He's, like, unhinged.

Huh. Why do you work here, Shane?

It's, it's the people, you know?

We have a good team and a great leader.

I'm serious.

I don't know.

Pay my utilities? Why do you work here?

In two to three years, I will be playing on the pro tour.

Every day that I'm here,

I'm one step closer to achieving that goal.

You get what I'm saying?

I do. Pick unrealistic goals.

Have a goal.

Your nails are disgusting.

-See you tomorrow. -Hopefully not.

Morning, Don!

Hey, hey, wipe, wipe your hands.

Wipe your hands. They're new.

I don't want any of that cream cheese bullshit

getting on 'em.

Taylor Made. Nice. Hey, Joey.

No, thanks.

Okay.

All right, Jordan.

All right.

Hey, Putts. What's his deal?

Shane?

A little old to caddie, no?

Yeah.

I mean, he used to work at Scooter Music on Valley

until the place closed down.

Still has a bunch of CDs he tries to sell us though.

-Interesting. -I mean, it's like

have you ever heard of streaming?

Okay, can we not? Please?

-I'm already sweating. -Yeah, sorry.

I'm just smack that attitude off your glittery face

if you talk to me like that again, you hear me?

Loud and clearly.

Fuck you too, Rollie. Stupid fucking broccoli head.

Shut up.

-Yo, I'll be right back. -Fast round.

No, Leo. Not a fast round.

Thank you.

Birthday boy.

Come on.

Oh, my God. Stop.

-It's your birthday. -Next week.

Oh, please.

Where is everyone?

Uh, the girls are inside. They were cold.

Wait, the girls are here?

You invited... them.

Oh my God.

Anna is really pumped.

She used to listen to Good Charlotte back in the day.

She's excited.

Yeah. Okay.

Jesus, Jon. This is not Good Charlotte.

Hey, excuse me!

Where's Leslie?

She thought it was guys only.

Why would she think that?

Because her boyfriend's an idiot.

What did he say?

Hey, who's next?

Uh, can we get eight IPAs and eight tequilas, ASAP?

Jon, do you have any cash?

Uh. Yeah.

No, Jon.

It's his birthday.

-Yeah, next week. -It's his birthday next week.

Can you make those Patrons? And doubles?

Thank you. Keep it open.

I'll get the next one for you. Don't worry.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

All right. Let's fucking get it.

Oh!

Ew!

Ooh. Mosh pit, I'm in the middle.

Somebody called this guy a cab.

And that's how I got Tiger, Cheech Marin,

and RBG to sign one golf ball.

So, remember, be kind.

Don't walk on anybody's line.

Right.

There he is.

Shane, can you remove the shades?

Yep.

He didn't remove the shades.

Okay. Day two.

36 holes was a lot.

But, today is a light 18, so give it all you got.

Yeah?

It's the same assignments except, Rollie,

I'm gonna have you come work with me today.

-Sound good? -Yeah.

What the fuck?

Oh, so when Mama's boy Rollie isn't picked,

he still gets to work?

- What are you whining about? You're going out.

Out?

Wait, what do you mean?

What do you mean?

First timer over here.

Remember, it's car path only on 11

due to the rain last night.

All right. Let's have a great day.

Let's do it. Hey, uh, shouldn't you follow him?

I don't think his pants are gonna unbutton themselves.

Yeah, you wouldn't know.

What? Yeah, I wouldn't know.

Comfortable?

What?

Are-you-comfortable?

Yeah, sort of.

Good.

Thank you.