Wishin' and Hopin'

male narrator: WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG,

CHRISTMAS IS WELD TOGETHER INTO A BLUR OF JINGLE BELLS

AND TWINKLING LIGHTS.

BUT THE ONE OF 1964,

THE YEAR I WAS A FIFTH GRADE STUDENT

AT ST. ALOYSIUS GONZAGA PAROCHIAL SCHOOL,

WAS WHEN I LEARNED WHAT WAS ACTUALLY IMPORTANT.

I GUESS YOU COULD CALL IT THE CHRISTMAS OF SURPRISES,

AND I DON'T MEAN THE KIND

THAT ARE GIFT WRAPPED UNDER A TREE.

IT ALL STARTED WHEN I, FELIX FUNICELLO,

ACCIDENTALLY TRIGGERED MY TEACHER

SISTER DYMPHNA'S MELTDOWN.

SPIT OUT THE GUM.

narrator: FOR THIS AND ALL MY PAST SINS,

I'M HEARTILY SORRY.

- "MORTAL SINNERS: BURNING IN HELL OR HEADED THERE"

BY ROSALIE TWERSKI.

LEE HARVEY OSWALD AND JACK RUBY--

MURDER.

narrator: SISTER DYMPHNA,

WHO WAS NAMED AFTER THE PATRON SAINT

OF SLEEPWALKING AND INSANITY,

SEATED US BY ACADEMIC RANK.

MY BEST FRIEND LONNY WAS IN THE LAST ROW.

narrator: HAVING STAYED BACK TWICE,

HE WAS THE OLDEST KID IN CLASS

AS WELL AS THE DUMBEST.

I WAS SEATED IN FRONT,

SECOND IN CLASS TO ROSALIE TWERSKI.

- MARILYN MONROE-- SUICIDE.

narrator: WE ALL KNOW A ROSALIE TWERSKI.

- SISTER DYMPHNA, I THINK YOU FORGOT

TO ASSIGN HOMEWORK FOR THE NIGHT.

CAN WE HAVE MORE DIFFICULT MATH PROBLEMS NEXT TIME?

THESE ONES WERE TOO EASY.

CAN WE ADD ILLUSTRATIONS FOR EXTRA CREDIT?

MY FATHER, OF TWERSKI'S IMPRESSIONS PRINTING,

WOULD BE HAPPY TO DONATE THE MATERIALS.

RUDI GERNREICH INVENTED THE TOPLESS BATHING SUIT.

PERVERT!

SISTER DYMPHNA,

FELIX FUNICELLO JUST ROLLED HIS EYES AT ME.

SISTER DYMPHNA?

FELIX!

SHOW MS. TWERSKI SOME RESPECT!

THANKS A LOT.

YOU'RE WELCOME, DONDI.

narrator: UGH, DONDI--

A NICKNAME I'D BE STUCK WITH FOR YEARS

BECAUSE OF MY UNDENIABLE RESEMBLANCE

TO THAT ADORABLE ITALIAN ORPHAN FROM THE COMIC STRIPS.

- YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A DIRTY, ROTTEN RAT FINK, TWERSKI.

- I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?

narrator: SHE HAD TO BE TAUGHT A LESSON.

AND DURING LUNCH,

LONNY AND I DEVISED OUR PLAN.

- WHAT NAME SHALL WE GIVE HIM, FATHER?

PERHAPS IT WOULD BE ALL RIGHT IF WE NAMED HIM

AFTER TODAY'S SAINT.

VERY WELL.

IT'S ST. MARCELINO.

- PSST, FELIX.

YOU LOOK VERY HUNGRY.

I'LL BRING YOU SOMETHING TO EAT.

BROTHER COOKIE, HELP ME QUICK. THERE'S A SCORPION OUT HERE.

OW!

WHO DID THAT?

MARCELINO!

MARCELINO!

- I GOT SOME BREAD. I COULDN'T FIND ANYTHING ELSE.

I WAS IN SUCH A BIG HURRY.

IT TOUCHED ME!

SATAN, I REBUKE THEE!

LEAVE, I PRAY! SAVE THE CHILDREN!

LUCIFER!

- HOLY CRAP, SHE FINALLY FLIPPED HER WIG.

narrator: MY SISTER SIMONE HAD SWORN ON A STACK OF BIBLES

THAT THE SISTERS WERE AS BALD AS YUL BRYNNER.

I COULDN'T WAIT TO TELL HER ABOUT THIS.

DUCK AND COVER, CHILDREN!

IS IT GONE?

- YES. YES, IT'S GONE.

- IT WAS CROSS WITH ME, SISTER. - OH, NO, NO.

- IT WAS-- - IT WAS A TEST.

PERHAPS IT WAS A TEST.

ARE WE OKAY?

- THE CHILDREN! - OH, VERY GOOD.

THE CHILDREN ALL RIGHT?

YOU PUT THE CHILDREN FIRST.

EXCELLENT.

THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN. YOU MAY TAKE YOUR SEATS.

I DON'T LIKE ITS MOUTH.

- YES, I THINK WE'RE FINE TO LEAVE NOW.

narrator: THE KUBIAK TWINS, RONALD AND ROLAND,

WERE RAISED ON A DAIRY FARM

AND NO STRANGERS TO TAKING CARE OF ROGUE BATS.

WE SPENT THE REST OF THE DAY

UNDER THE RULE OF ST. ALOYSIUS' MOST NEFARIOUS PENGUIN,

THE ENFORCER,

SISTER AGRIPPINA.

THIS WAS CLEARLY MY PENANCE FOR THAT DAY'S SINS.

narrator: THAT NIGHT, SIMONE AND MY OTHER SISTER, FRANCES,

HAD NOTHING BUT ENCOURAGING WORDS TO CALM MY FEARS.

- I HEARD AGRIPPINA ONCE HURLED A DICTIONARY

AT SOME KID'S HEAD FOR SPEAKING WITHOUT RAISING HIS HAND.

THAT'S NOTHING.

I ONCE SAW HER RIP WAYNE WALKER'S GLASSES

OFF OF HIS FACE AND SNAP THEM IN TWO

JUST BECAUSE HE HAD SLOPPY PENMANSHIP.

- OH, YEAH, AND THEN THERE'S THAT MOLE ON HER BOTTOM LIP

THAT SHE TRIES TO HIDE BY BARELY MOVING HER MOUTH

WHEN SHE TALKS.

FELIX, WHATEVER YOU DO,

DON'T LET HER CATCH YOU LOOKING AT IT.

YEAH, DON'T.

- WHEN YOU FINISH YOUR VOCABULARY,

I WANT YOU TO TAKE OUT YOUR LIBRARY BOOKS

FOR SILENT READING.

narrator: THERE IT WAS STARING RIGHT AT ME.

YES, ROSALIE?

SISTER AGRIPPINA,

I WAS JUST WONDERING HOW SISTER DYMPHNA WAS DOING.

WILL SHE BE BACK SOON?

SHE'S RESTING COMFORTABLY,

AND SHE WILL BE BACK AFTER THE CHRISTMAS BREAK.

NOW, GET OUT THAT BOOK.

YES, ROSALIE.

- WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ABOUT THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT?

LAST YEAR, THE FIFTH GRADERS PERFORMED

THE SEVEN JOYS OF MARY.

AND IF WE DO IT AGAIN THIS YEAR,

I WOULD GLADLY REPRESENT THE BLESSED VIRGIN.

- WE'LL HAVE TO SEE WHAT YOUR PERMANENT SUBSTITUTE

HAS PLANNED.

BUT WHO'S GONNA BE OUR SUB?

YOU DO HAVE A LAY TEACHER

WHO'S COMING NEXT WEEK TO TAKE OVER.

PLEASE, BEGIN YOUR READING, MISS TWERSKI.

IS SOMETHING THE MATTER, MR. FUNICELLO?

narrator: IT HAD GROWN TO AT LEAST TEN TIMES ITS SIZE

IN THE PAST TWO MINUTES.

NO, SISTER.

SILENT READING, ROSALIE!

narrator: MY FAMILY

WE WERE COUSINS WITH ANNETTE FUNICELLO.

YES, THE ANNETTE FUNICELLO.

TECHNICALLY, SHE WAS MY FATHER'S COUSIN'S KID,

BUT WHO WAS KEEPING TRACK?

THE PICTURE WAS A CHRISTMAS PRESENT FROM POP'S COUSIN

A FEW YEARS BACK.

WE TOOK PRIDE IN BEING RELATED TO A FAMOUS MOVIE STAR.

BUT THE ONLY ONE MORE SO THAN ME...

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

narrator: WAS SIMONE.

IDENTICAL, RIGHT?

- I THINK YOU'VE INHALED WAY TOO MUCH HAIR SPRAY.

narrator: BUT THERE WAS ANOTHER FAMILY MEMBER

ON THE BRINK OF STARDOM.

I, FELIX FUNICELLO,

WOULD BE MAKING MY TELEVISION DEBUT

ON THE RANGER ANDY SHOW LATER THAT MONTH

WITH MY JUNIOR MIDSHIPMEN GROUP.

YOUR OLD MAN HAD TO HAVE BEEN IN THE NAVY

TO JOIN THE MIDSHIPMEN,

SO I WAS THE ONLY ONE IN MY CLASS GOING.

SURELY I'D BE THE ENVY OF EVERYONE,

ESPECIALLY ROSALIE TWERSKI.

FELIX FUNICELLO.

FELIX FUNICELLO.

FELIX ANTHONY FUNICELLO, THE FIRST.

narrator: I WAS READY.

HEY, MA.

HEY, HONEY.

OH, HEY, LISTEN,

TOMORROW YOUR FATHER IS HEADED INTO TOWN TO THE WHOLESALER'S,

AND I'M GONNA TAKE YOUR SISTER SHOPPING AFTER SCHOOL.

SO CHINO WILL BE WATCHING YOU.

CHINO?

- YES, WHAT'S WRONG WITH CHINO?

HE'S A RESPONSIBLE ADULT FIGURE.

- YOU MIGHT AS WELL HIRE ODDJOB TO BABYSIT ME.

WHATEVER WAS I THINKING?

narrator: DINNER WAS ALWAYS AN IMPORTANT PART OF THE DAY.

POP OWNED A DINER DOWN BY THE BUS STATION

AND ALWAYS FILLED US IN ON THE DAY'S DIRT.

- CHRIST, OUR LORD, AMEN.

- AMEN. - AMEN.

- SO THE MINISTER'S WIFE COMES IN,

AND SHE SEES I'M TRYING TO RECRUIT ANOTHER SAILOR

FOR HIS MISSIONARY WORK,

AND SHE--

FELIX, HOW WAS SCHOOL TODAY?