Grace and Frankie

- -

- Holy mother of Jesus in a tank! - Oh, man.

God. Sorry. I'm sorry.

Oh, don't do that!

Put some taps on your feet so I can hear you coming.

Well, you saw me last night. I'm kinda surprised you're surprised.

It's still shocking to find you standing here in the cold light of day.

Every day.

Every... single... day.

I'm here a lot, huh?

Sure, have a deviled egg. Somebody in my class can do without.

I'm sorry. I tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna stop by Maudie's and get you a dozen mini quiches,

- 'cause I know you're a vegetarian. - Thank you. I appreciate that.

Oh, no! Where's my cantaloupe I cut up for my class last night?

Don't look at me.

Oh, wait. You might wanna look at me.

Might be my Ambien eating.

Isn't it supposed to be Ambien sleeping?

No, it's great, I sleep... I also Ambien eat.

I also order shoes online.

I got these on Ambien. Four times.

- I'll pick you up at seven for sushi. - See you then.

And I'll get you those mini quiches and a cantaloupe.

I'm gonna have to put a lock on the refrigerator door.

Why? He's only here at night. And in the morning.

Sometimes in the afternoon.

Yeah, his grazing hours. He's like a water buffalo.

I just never know when he's gonna pop up somewhere.

And sometimes I like to walk around without a bra.

Or shirt. Or pants.

Don't you think you're going too fast with this guy, Guy?

Are you ever gonna get tired of that joke?

No, no.

You know, at my age, I only have one speed. Break-neck.

Of course, I don't call it that. Because it is a very real fear.

But you're going away with him. You just signed the divorce papers.

Before jumping in with both feet,

don't you wanna find out if this is just a rebound with this guy, Guy?

- I am getting tired of it. - You know, maybe it started off

as a rebound thing, but... what's wrong with him?

No, I mean, tell me, what's wrong with him?

Well, we know he Ambien eats, what else are we gonna find out?

He ate his friend. I mean, we do know a fair bit about the darker side of Guy.

- How much worse can it get? - Touché.

And you know what else? It doesn't matter. I am so lucky to have somebody.

Do you know what most women our age are dealing with

besides sagging breasts and chin hairs?

Men who date younger women because they don't have sagging breasts and chin hairs.

- Are you trying to tell me something? - Yes.

That I have somebody that doesn't care about that stuff.

He appreciates my maturity and my wisdom.

Well, fine. Do what you want.

But your boyfriend owes me $900 in cheese.

I feel dirty.

Look, Jeff and Peter are letting us taste their appetizers.

That's all. No one's making any commitments.

But we should tell Diane that we're tasting

other people's appetizers for our wedding.

Caterers talk.

We're just tasting! It's all above board.

But be honest. It's a slippery slope.

If we like what we taste, we'll make promises.

And then we'll sneak around behind Diane's back

until we find the courage to tell her it's over.

It'll be the last 20 years all over again! With crab cakes!

Sol, I'm answering the door.

And if we love Jeff and Peter's appetizers more than Diane's,

- then I will call her myself. - Yes, you will.

- But do you think she'll still like us? - No, but we have enough friends.

I have fond memories of this doorway.

Ohh.

Oh. Well, just so you know, I, uh...

I... I... I met a man actually.

He's-he's a boyfriend. My boyfriend.

You know, we had that talk, and-and... you know, it's very...

we're-we're-we're committed.

I'm happy for you. I just came down to say goodbye.

- Oh, you're... - Leaving.

I'll be keeping a low profile. Very low. Won't be reachable.

- Where you going? - A bit south.

Of San Diego? That's... Mexico.

I'm happy that a man appreciates you. You should be savored.

- Whoa. -

- Christ in a cab! - Oh, God! You didn't see anything.

Oh, really? It's my hearing that sucks. My vision is just fine.

- Don't look at me! - That is my student, Grace!

- It was nothing. - It's completely inappropriate,

practically sexual harassment.

What are you talking about? He's a grown man.

Are there others? Did you go after Tito? How about Homer?

It's my job to protect them!

It was just a little... goodbye kiss.

Goodbye? When was hello?

It was the day of the earthquake.

- What is happening in this house? - I don't know.

Your boyfriend, who you're practically marrying, just left here.

First of all, nobody's getting married,

and second of all, I didn't kiss Byron, he kissed me.

- What about the first time? - That one I might have participated in.

- Why didn't you tell me? - Honestly?

It never occurred to me.

I mean, I didn't think we were friends that told each other things like that.

Oh, you didn't.

Well, no, not at the time.

Why, did you?

Not really.

What about now? Are we friends like that yet?

- Are we? - I don't know.

But I'll... I'll make some tea and you're gonna tell me everything.

I haven't told a living soul about this.

I'm so honored. Okay, spill it, sister.

I came home, God knows where you were, and there was a man in the kitchen.

- Byron. - Yeah, he was sitting right there

- eating a ham sandwich. - Oh, he loves ham.

I have to admit, he is a looker.

I would not want to sexualize a student, but you're welcome to, go ahead.

His eyes are really intoxicating.

- Newman-esque, am I right? - A young Robert Shaw.

- Oh, yes! That's it. - Yeah?

"The trouble with the shark is he's got lifeless eyes.

Black eyes like a doll's eyes."

"You got city hands, Mr. Hooper."

Not so much. Just tell me the story.

It was daytime, and I had picked up the mail...

Hi, what are you doing?

Oh, my God, Frankie, it's crazy here. There's food everywhere.

Jeff carved strawberries that look just like roses. Uncanny.

Okay, but you're not the only one that's got stuff going on.

There's stuff happening here, too. Big stuff.

What stuff?

I'm just saying that major stuff is happening.

Like what?

If you'd seen it your eyes would have caught on fire.

Grace kissed a convict.

- What do you mean? - What do I mean?

Grace's face was smooshed up against Byron's face.

- Their lips were attached. - The murderer?

No, no, grand theft auto.

You know, with the eyes.

Oh. Yeah. Well, I can understand that.

- I know, right? - Isn't Grace still dating Guy?

Yes, that's what makes it even crazier.

Guy left to get me some of those little quiches,

next thing I know, Grace is kissing Byron.

Grace! Our Grace!

Yes, and apparently it was not the first time.

I mean, she's insatiable!

It's the best little whorehouse in Texas over here.

That's totally insane.

Frankie, I have to go. We're plating the food.

Okay. Fine.

I plate things, too.

Increíble!

Grace kissed one of Frankie's convicts today.

- My Grace? - That's what I said.

- And apparently it wasn't the first time. - How the hell did that happen?

- Well, you should see the convict. - Really?

He's the siren. And she's not single.

Good for her. She deserves some fun.

Wait a minute. She's dating your friend Guy.

- They're not married. - But they're together.

And she's just kissing anyone who wanders into the house?

But we don't know the circumstances, do we, so who are we to judge?

Is that what you think? You think there's a gray area?

We never kissed anyone but each other.

Did we?

Do what must be done, just get them.

Exclamation point.

- Hey, Bri. - Hey, Bri.

No. No. No.

Guys, please go away. Really?

- You with anyone? - No.

- Wanna sit with us? - No.

- Why not? - Because I'm with someone!

- Ooh, what's this guy's problem? - Please, please go away.

Wait, wait, wait. The last one was Racist Dave.

- I loved Racist Dave. - Feeling was mutual.

And before him was Ambiguous Andrew, and Micropenis Paul.

- Yeah, it's a war out here. - So, what's this guy's deal?

- Does he smell like a cat? - Does he have a cat?

- Is he a cat? - Yes, he's a cat,

and his name is go to a different fucking movie.

It's not gonna fucking happen.

Well, I won.

Minor casualties.

- Mmm. - Do we know them?

I'm afraid that we do.

Do you do magic?

- And you are... - Coyote.

Nwabudike. Can you spell that? Do you wanna try?

I've known them my whole life.

It's their father who's marrying my father.

Did I not tell you about that?

It's totally fine, I'm not damaged... by that.

The mussel fritters caused a riot at our last event.

- Not a riot, Jeff. - A stampede.

Fair enough.

There's a riot going on in my mouth right now.

That's the aioli. Hot pepper and lime.