Deon Cole: Charleen's Boy

Oh, this water is so good.

I don't know why I was so thirsty.

But anyway, I feel comfortable now.

It feels real good in here. Yeah.

It's so good to see you, babe.

What are you... Tell me, I've been thinking about it...

What are you doing with Netflix?

Is it gonna be like your...

Cole Blooded Seminar that you did?

Is it gonna be like the Cole Blooded ... you taught?

You know, you taught at your Cole Blooded Seminar , you taught.

You took the people to school.

It's gonna be-- - You talked about peanut butter.

You talked about, relationships.

You talked about sex.

I'll get you on that one.

What else?

What's up, Brooklyn? How y'all feeling?

Thank you all for coming out, man.

I sure appreciate y'all for coming out to this special and shit, man.

Good to see you. How're y'all beautiful motherfucking faces tonight?

Give it up for yourselves, thank you.

I'ma tell you this much, though.

These young women have been on my ass lately.

I ain't gonna even lie, look. And I know they're young, too.

Because they're always asking me for my Instagram

instead of my phone number and shit. -

Yeah, that's young bitch game.

"Wanna go out?" "Yeah." "What's your IG?"

I'll be like, "Argh, young bitch! Shit."

Could it be some old motherfucker's asking for my Instagram,

I'd be like, "Now, you know you're too old to be asking for my Instagram.

Go get a pen."

"You know better, motherfucker. Go get a pen.

Old bitch keep a pen, don't you?"

All this technology, that motherfucker is still got that pen.

Phone right here in her hand.

I asked a woman one day, I was like, "If you see an attractive man,

do you come on to him when you him?"

She was like, "No." I was like, "Really?"

I was asking another woman out.

I was like, "If you see an attractive guy,

do you say anything to him?" She was like, "No.

If he don't say nothing to me, then it really ain't going down."

I was like, "That's some dumb ass shit, man.

Do you know how many potential soulmates,

husbands your goofy ass could have had,

if you woulda just said hi, waved, winked, smiled, pointed at a motherfucker?"

You even ain't gotta look at the man directly in his eye.

You can just look at his way and he'll get it."

A woman look my way too long, I'ma be like,

"I'ma go over there and put this thang on that bitch, I promise."

I mean, you and I speaking.

And you women over 45, let me tell you something.

You can't afford not to speak to anybody.

You need to be speaking to everybody you see.

Every door you go through, you need to be like, "Hey, y'all!

I'm Sheryl.

I brought potato salad."

Bitch, you need to boil potato salad every goddamn door you go through,

because time ain't on your side.

Don't be mad at me. This's God talking to you right now.

I'm just a vessel. -

Damn, older women know that. See, you gotta understand,

like, woman 50, 55 and up, they understand you know that

the older you get, and everybody knows this, men and women, the older you get,

you know, time becomes the new currency. It really does.

Money, I'ma make that. I'ma get that. But my time,

you fuck over my time, motherfucker, we're gonna have a problem

because I can't get that back.

Goddamn it!

Motherfucker take me to a fucked up movie, I'll be like,

"Bitch, I'ma need two hours about you."

Goddamn it. Older women know that, though.

They move as such too.

See, they don't ride with a whole bunch of women and shit.

Like when they go out, they don't ride with a whole bunch of women and shit

because it's too time-consuming, you know.

Waiting on three bitches to get ready, you'll miss the show and shit.

Going out to eat, one bitch want taco, one want a hotdog, one want a pizza...

you'll starve fucking with these hoes.

Old bitch will be like, "No, just send me that address. I'll meet you out there."

"No, I'ma meet you all there.

Ain't you gonna be drinking and driving?"

"Yes I am, bitch."

Bitch ready to catch a DUI than fuck with you, ho!

That's how serious this is. -

Plus they drive by themselves just in case it goes down that night.

They can dip off without a whole bunch of judgement and shit.

Yeah. - Yeah!

Without a whole bunch of motherfuckers in their business and shit.

"Text me when you get in." "Nah, I'll be alright, bitch.

I don't need to text you." -

"I'm 50 for a reason, ho.

I've made it this far. I'ma be alright.

I don't need to start texting bitches, letting them know I'm leaving."

Yeah.

Older women, lemme ask you something.

If you ever have be at a party,

and you see a young girl there

and that motherfucker be dropping that motherfucker down to the ground,

do you be jealous of her knees?

Yes you do, bitch. Yes you do. -

Young bitch sweeping the floor with her ass.

You can't go no lower than this.

All your shit gotta be super-sexy up here.

Bust out Tina Turner shit all there.

And upgrade your sex toys, goddamn it!

Some of y'all sex toys are older than your kids.

Got that same rabbit tongue...

wand... bullet...

It ain't even a bullet no more. It's a slingshot, shit.

Upgrade your shit. There's some new shit out there right now called,

Tracy's Dog.

Our little testimonial holler is right there.

Shando! Let them use you, sister! Go ahead.

Tracy's Dog, this motherfucker is serious, you hear me?

It's only 50 motherfucking dollars, y'all.

My son's mother, she said, "I can't keep that motherfucker in the house

because I ain't getting any shit done with it in there, alright?

Can't get shit done with that motherfucker in there.

This motherfucker is 50 fucking dollars, you hear me?"

And this is like this U-shaped device, right? This part goes in,

it's vibrating and it curves around to the top. And on top,

there's this sucking mechanism that goes right on the clit.

All it does is just sucks.

Ten speeds of sucking on this motherfucker.

This bitch will collapse your forehead, I promise you.

It's serious. Now go ahead. Put it in your phone. Go ahead.

No, go ahead before you forget it and shit. Put it in your god...

Don't worry about who's looking at you.

Put it in your phone. -

You old women, put it... you know your mind ain't...

doing like it used to be. Go ahead, put it in your phone before you forget it.

Sitting there trying to remember that shit.

"Ha ha ha, he's so silly.

Tracy's Dog, Tracy's Dog, Tracy's Dog..."

"Tracy's Dog, Tracy's Dog...

"Okay, I know a bitch, she's named Tracy.

She got a dog. Tracy's dog. -

You know, Tracy's... Tracy's dog."

You out there with your man. Your man's like, "You don't need that shit."

"You're right, Daddy."

"Tracy's Dog, Tracy's Dog, Tracy's Dog..."

Older men change too. It ain't just women. Men change too.

We get old and shit. Like, we can't fuck the same.

No, not at all. The older we get, now, we can't fuck the same.

Shit, sometimes, niggas don't even be thinking about fucking like that, though.

For real, though. Just imagine doing this for 50 years. Just...

50 years, just...

Picking up all different sizes of bitches.

50 fucking years, just...

Niggas get tired of that shit!

50 years of that shit, no.

Niggas can't be thinking about fucking all the time. Not successful men.

No. Successful older men won't be thinking about fucking.

We'll be having other shit on our minds like taxes and,

"When are the kids moving out?" Payroll...

Motherfuckers depend on us. We got payroll.

We ain't got time to be cuddling with your ass all the goddamn time.

And then we are cuddling with you, we ain't thinking about you.