Top Gear

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hello and welcome to Top Gear.

I'm here, he's here, he's still here, and you're all here!

Yes. How good is this? How good is this?

It's so good to be presenting our first show and we know Top Gear

has had more rebirths than Doctor Who recently,

but look, we've kept the little Dalek.

Yeah!

And I would just like to say... Exterminate!

..that I genuinely... Exterminate, no?

I genuinely cannot understand a single word you two are saying.

It's just mangled northern vowels, isn't it?

Probably for the best, to be honest. Right, let's get on with the show.

We'll be with you every Sunday for the next few weeks,

and here's what you've got to look forward to.

Oh!

Come on.

We're going in!

Oh!

Get in, Sam! Argh!

That's the funniest face I've ever seen.

I've no engine. Argh!

All right, Chris, I've got this.

Are you all right?

Oh, you absolute whopper.

He's a berk.

Hello, patty, patty cake.

Oh, God, it's the German. I thought they got rid of her.

Stop the car!

My name is Chris Harris and I am a chassis enthusiast.

Wow, wow.

So basically what you need to know is that he crashes

everything he drives.

And he gets terrified if he travels more than ten miles from Bolton!

And as it is our first show, we wanted to go right back

to the beginning - first cars. Yeah.

Did you know that the average young person now spends £4,000

on their first car? Four grand!

And it's not that they're buying some future classic.

It's going to be a bit mundane, it's going to be economical,

practical, like an Aygo, or a Picanto or something.

When we were younger, first cars were exciting

and they were cheap. They don't know they're born, Chris.

They don't know they're born, no.

So the producer said, prove it.

They gave us each four grand and told us to buy the nearest thing

to our own first car that we could find,

and then they said, take them to Ethiopia.

Obviously.

Look at this, the bustle of an African town.

Nothing beats it.

What do you make of it, Paddy?

It's mind-blowing, isn't it, really?

I'm quite excited about receiving my car, to be honest.

Really? Yeah.

Mine's a car that's impossible to dislike.

I'd say mine is as well, Paddy, to be honest.

Really? Yeah.

He's being very quiet, isn't he?

Well, I'm just, I'm just soaking up the memories.

The last time I saw my version of the car that we're about to meet,

it was upside down in Knowle West playing field,

on fire, cos someone had nicked it, so I feel a bit sad about that,

and then you talk about the things that I did in the car.

I'm not sure they are suitable for a family show, actually.

Don't pretend, don't pretend you had girls in there, Chris!

On his own!

On your own.

Is this it? This is it.

Cheers, mate.

Very excited, sun's out. Wait there.

I'm going to get my car.

Ladies. What are you thinking?

Late '80s, Bolton - Ford Fiesta.

MK1?

No, it will be a MK2 or maybe...

Oh!

Is it a Ford?

Turn round, look at that!

Oh. MK2 Escort.

That is lovely. That's a delicious car.

I'm not going to tell him, though. Wow. Wow. Hey!

Hey!

The MK2 Escort, boys.

Rolling back the years.

Look at her.

Look at her, come on. Don't give me that face.

No, no, I don't know whether to congratulate you,

cos the car's wonderful. Thank you.

Or to point out that you're a cheating sod.

Why?

Gauteng. Where did you buy that?

Yeah, well, this is the genius of it all. Yes.

These cars in the UK, you're looking anything

between ten grand and 30 grand. Yes.

South Africa, £2,100.

Went on the net, boom - job done.

You went on the net? Went on the net.

What came up when you googled "old escorts"?

You don't want to know, and I've since burnt my hard drive,

but this is a thing of beauty.

I'm not going to lie, Paddy.

You've pulled it out of the bag here, mate.

You like it, don't you?

That steering wheel.

Lovely, isn't it? I, oh... How do you do it?

Just pull that handle, Fred.

I know you get... It's the basics with Fred.

Look at this! It's beautiful.

Its little touches. Why are you so miserable?

Because I'm, I feel I've been beaten already.

A British classic.

I think it's a great car in a great

colour and he's bought it for great money.

See what you've got there, raise it. This is music to my ears.

However, however, you wait till you see

what I've got, boys. Really?

What do you think it's going to be?

It's going to be small, isn't it?

I'm praying this is him.

A horse!

I've gone old school British, lads.

First car I ever had.

Oh, here he comes, look at this.

As if it was going to be any other car. Yeah.

The tuk-tuks are bigger.

The tuk-tuks are bigger than his car!

Look at... he's smiling.

Chris! Wow.

Now...

Look at his little face.

I tell you what.

Oh, here we go. I'm wistful. Are you?

You're wistful.

What year is this? Gorgeous. 1990.

It's a little bit younger than mine, but it's the same spec.

It's lovely. 998CC, four speed gearbox.

I mean, the genius of Issigonis' design.

Put the gearbox under the engine. Yeah.

Less space up front required.

What did you pay for this?

3,300.

I paid a grand for my original one. They're worth good money now.

You're genuinely excited, aren't you? Look at you.

Of course I am, it's arguably

the greatest British object ever made.

I've got it, listen, I like the Mini.

I can't wait to see his. Should I just go and get it?

Yeah.

Go on.

What do you reckon he's got?

First of all look at the size of him.

He's a big bloke, big car - I'm saying Land Rover.

What, for a first car?

I'd keep, I'm sorry. What's that? That...

No way.

No way!

First car. What?

All right, lads? That's a Porsche Boxster.

Hey, you know your cars, don't you?

Your first car was a Porsche Boxster?

Well, I did have a Rover 216 when I passed my test,

but it was a lease car. Right.

Then I had a few sponsored cars.

Hang on, you leased a Rover?

Lancashire, you paid 1% of the car's value a month

and you got your insurance. A no-brainer. The first car

I actually bought was when I was 22.

It was a Porsche Boxster.

So at 22 years of age, how much did you pay for that at 22?

At 22 years of age I'd been a professional cricketer

for six years. And?

The car was 35 grand.

30...

35 grand, 22!

You played cricket, is that what you get, you lads?

So you know all this, "I grew up the hard way,

"Lancashire, took my own coal to school, had to burn other

"children and eat other people to live"... It was all...

I made my debut for England at 20.

What happened was, right, I found a talent young, when I was 16.

I was a professional cricketer.

You two, you're still on that journey.

It'll happen to you one day, lads.

Absolutely speechless. It doesn't happen often.

How much?

£3,700.

You paid £400 more than I did for this?

For a Porsche Boxster? Yeah. Yeah. How many miles has it done?

124,000.

Eh up, oh.

Thank you.

Welcome to Ethiopia.

If your first cars are as good as you say, they'll have no problem

crossing the vast Semian mountain range to reach the Afar Triangle.

Birthplace of humankind and the hottest place on Earth.

Get an 'at.

And you owe me a fiver. Why?

You can read.