Peep Show

Hans, I want you to be careful taking it out.

He's a big bastard, I give you that.

Maybe I can break him down, cut him down to size.

-If you want, I can get the axe. -The axe?!

Just a hand axe, Mark, not a felling axe.

No, Hans, no axes.

I can help for a little sweetener, a fiver?

A fee? I suppose you never really sat on that sofa much, did you?

Maybe just for about 100,000 hours.

I suppose you won't sit on the new sofa much, either.

I just need money.

I won't pay you for domestic chores.

I'm abusing my management position to get you challenging work at JLB.

I don't need to be challenged, I just need something to do in the mornings.

I'm tired of staring at my own winkle all day.

Careful bringing the new one in.

Chipped paintwork and abrasion to the upholstery means deductions.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Terms and conditions apply.

This energy drink may cause anal discharge etc.

Hasn't got a girlfriend so he buys a new sofa.

You can't fuck a sofa. Take it from me.

This suit. It's sapping my vibe, my powers. I can't think right.

Well, why don't you get another job?

Explore that opening at the giant beanstalk,

catching the golden eggs as they fall from the ass of the giant's chicken.

There weren't any jobs when I didn't want a job.

Now I do want a job, there are like, totally no jobs.

Not just like, there aren't any jobs, but like, there are quite literally, no jobs.

You should just get a van. With a van, it's like you've got an MBA.

But you've also got a fucking van. You're not just a man anymore.

You're a man with a van.

You get a van, Jez, we could be men with ven.

This is a bunch of stuff, got left on board.

Thought you could feast on this lot.

What is it? Sex stuff? Booze? Drug gear?

-Baby shit. -What? Why did you bring that in here?

You two are on some baby tip, ain't ya?

One of you's the father of Sophie's Jerry Springer baby.

-We're not doing baby. -Plenty of time for the baby later.

The baby's too big. You can't look at it, it's like the sun.

That's the policy. What's in there, anyway?

Baby shit.

So small.

No, thank you. Put it under the bed, Jeremy.

Okay. It's going under there.

Right, it's under there now. It'll be safe under there.

Okay. Keys, change, wallet, phone. Okay.

-Jesus, you are something else. -Thank you very much.

He took the insult as a compliment!

Shit, he could become invulnerable.

I'm just going to take off my flatmate hat

and put on my much larger, new JLB manager's hat.

Have you not sorted this yet?

Hi, Colin.

Could you do me a favor and take a punt on a grunt?

Yeah, farmyard fodder, a day player.

No overheads, no holiday, no contract. Cut and shut. A phone pig.

Exactly. Cool, bro. Thanks.

A "phone pig"?

You're not going to lord it over me, are you?

Of course not.

Maybe I could make him wear a little

colored hat like they do with chimpanzees.

A comb with a propeller on top.

I might tell him it's a first day tradition.

Wow, she's one hot tamale.

Did you hear the boiler in the night? Were you hot?

Whatever. I sleep naked, head out of the window,

so when I wake up it's just me and the universe.

But how? Your bed is on the other side of the room.

Got a system.

The maestro, magically made her think of me naked.

He didn't even clock her. Tragic.

Think she spotted it.

Just… Yeah.

That's right, sweetheart. Ergonomic management keyboard.

So this is it, Jeremy. The field of screams.

Colin will be in in ten, but I think this'll be your… area.

What, all of it?

-Uh, yes. -Cool.

Whoa, it's tippy! I've got a tippy chair.

So you'll just be following the cold-calling script.

There's a script? So I'll be, like, an actor?

Exactly. You'll be just like an actor, like Al Pacino or Jeremy Irons.

Tell everyone, "You've been specially selected

for our exclusive introductory interest rate."

Well, no, not everyone.

Because if it's exclusive, then…

Oh, my God.

It's wheels within wheels.

I've been invited inside with the bean counters and the water borders.

At some point he's going to find out what goes in sausages.

Out with the artificial limb, the salary man keyboard.

In with the Dominator, the Death Star.

Yeah, Dobby. I'll summon her in later.

"Uh, Dobby, I seem to be having a server problem.

Can you have a fiddle? I think the problem is in my pants."

-Oh, Jeff! -I'm busy, Mark.

Not too busy to check in with your boss.

You're not my boss. Don't call yourself my boss.

I'm head of a team that contains people of your level.

I'm your superior, let's leave it at that.

I'm on your remuneration committee, so

fingers crossed for that bonus, Jeff.

What's funnier: zero bonus or, like,

a humiliating £103? Both are very funny.

Just to say, it's all going super great down there.

You're not leaving. You've got to stay until 5:00 or it makes me look bad.

I've made four sales. I'm zinging. I'm on top of the leaderboard.

I'm in line for Pizza Hut vouchers.

You're king of the farmyard? You're in line for the free garlic bread?

-What's… - Fire alarm.

Oh, God. Look at you.

Frightened little mouse.

-It's a fire alarm, Jeremy. -Like there's a fire.

There's never a fire, it just doesn't happen. Maybe in a film.

There's never been a fire, anywhere?

Not in an office in England. You're pathetic.

"Ooh, fire, please don't burn me or my possessions.

I'm so important and flammable."

-Is this a test? -No, not a test.

Come on, Mark. Fucking hell, get your elbows in.

It's all gone Backdraft.

What's going on?

There's a rumor in that huddle of Daleks it's a test.

But the phone pigs say there was a fire in the farmyard kitchen.

The maintenance man's pulling his pud.

You're management. Get it sorted.

Right. A chance would be a fine thing.

That's what people say, isn't it?

The reset code needs to be authorized from Frankfurt, if you can believe it.

-Mark, can't you reset it? -A chance would be a fine thing, Lisa!

I know what we should do. A coffee run.

Corrigan, 200 lattes.

Good one, Jeff.

A chance would be a fine thing.

A fine thing, indeed.

Hm, saying that too often now.

Everything's under control.

We'll have it all sorted, as soon as.

Quick as.

Oh, thank God, Johnson.

The great helmsman can march us to a grain depot

and we can bed down for the night.

Listen.

Listen up, I just got in from Aberdeen.

I want to warn you that you're probably going to be hearing a lot of rumors,

but I can reassure you that Steffan Strauss

and the rest in Frankfurt are doing everything they can.

Talks are ongoing and everything is looking promising.

But I need to inform you that you're all unemployed.

What?!

No! I've just started being a boss!

What about my Danish sofa, what about my keyboard?

I didn't get to show Dad a business card.

The doors are locked.

JLB Credit UK is no longer existent.

Thank you and goodnight, England.

Alan, Alan, where do management go?

Alan, let me in! Alan!

The last Beemer out of Saigon.

I'm at the mercy of the Vietnamese peasants.

Please don't put me in a bamboo cage.

Everything's just gone tits up. How mad is that? Headfuck or what?

Yes, Jeremy. It is indeed a headfuck.

Exactly. Pete was saying a bunch might go down the Crown.

The Crown?

Where everyone goes on a Friday?

Oh, yeah, right. Down the Crown.

Great, one morning and he fits in better than me.

Gone. All the lovely power.

Might as well delete my spreadsheet of her coffee-break times.

I can't believe this. I can't. They've really screwed us, man.

They've screwed me. They've diddled you, at most.

It's like JLB never existed.

Poof! Just poof!

Gone. So sad.

Ooh.

Sophie. Alcohol.

That can't be good for our baby.

It's not our baby. Can you stop saying that?

Ouch. Another one.

You should give her a warning look. Let's try and give her one.

Is it okay, do you think, to get involved?

I guess a bit of one of us is on board.

The baby is a bit like our embassy on her territory.

Let's not have a little pisshead, Mark.

The first of many pub visits the baby's going to ruin.

Hi. We were just wondering…

-What? -The wine, Soph.

-I've had one small glass. -We both know that's not true,

so let's start with the facts, shall we?

-Cheers, Soph. -Oh. We thought…

One small spritzer, should I have got written permission?

Permission! Listen to her, she's exaggerating for comic effect.

It certainly has put me well and truly in my place.

Guess what?

You love me and you want to move to Norway?

Pete heard we're in profit. The German outfit's the one tanking,

but Strauss is closing up the UK to save the mothership.