The Mick

She's inappropriate, but in charge.

- She's The Mick. - Can I have some more ice cream?

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What is happening? Is everything okay?

No, it's not okay!

A frickin' tarantula almost bit my frickin' arm off!

Aunt Mickey, do something! I'm scared!

Where?!

Right there! Right frickin' there!

Are you blind?!

Are you talking about that?

The itsy bitsy spider?

Yeah.

Wow, ladies.

All right, fine, I'll squish it.

No! Don't hurt it!

Oh, my God.

Are you serious?

You're frickin' suicidal, man.

Guys, that was tough for me to watch as a parent.

You're not a parent.

Good. 'Cause if I was, I'd be incredibly ashamed.

You are so soft.

Coffee.

Get your own coffee.

Mug. There are no mugs.

They piled up in the sink. I found it irritating.

Tossed 'em.

Morning.

Morning.

Hi.

Hi. What are you doing today, Jimmy?

Oh, boy. I was gonna go down to the airport

and watch the planes land.

Mm. Sounds pressing. Uh, instead of that though,

why don't you take these two out for a guys' day?

What? Why?

'Cause, clearly, I'm failing you as a father.

You two need to learn to act like men.

This is your idea of a man? The guy's an animal.

Well, he's the closest thing we've got.

Maybe you'll all neutralize each other

and come back decent human beings.

Eh, no problem.

I'll make men out of 'em. Well, you don't need

to make men out of 'em. Just take 'em to a ball game

or something... You know, guy stuff.

Okay.

I'll do it.

I'm bored.

Let's do something.

Well, I've never tried mushrooms.

Seems kind of extreme for-for mid-morning.

Well, what else?

I don't know. Let's do, like, a girls' day or something.

You know, the guys are out doing their thing.

I am listening.

Why don't we just be predictable for once?

Let's head into the city, grab some brunch,

like ladies do, get some Mani-pedis.

Oh! We should go to the Armenian part of town

and hit up the hookah bars.

Oh. Uh...

seems a little off theme, but, sure,

yeah, why not? Yeah. Okay.

Oh, hey, girl! What do you got going on today?

Don't answer that. Listen to this.

City, brunch, manis, pedis, hookah. In or out?

Out. What? Was it the hookah?

It was everything. But I have a doctor's appointment.

You're not feeling well?

It's more of a consultation.

I'm getting breast implants.

What?! Why?!

I mean, I know why. But why?

Because I want to.

I thought you were a feminist.

You can be a feminist and also be sexy.

Oh, my God. Okay.

I can appreciate that you're young and stupid. I really can.

But let me take you to school for a second.

Sexy is finding the thing that you hate most

about yourself and then shoving it

into somebody else's face until they think

that you're okay with it. Yeah.

Like Adrien Brody's nose. Yeah.

I don't want Adrien Brody's nose for boobs.

Yeah, okay. Well, I don't want my knees, but that's life.

What's wrong with your knees? My knees are disgusting.

That's a weird insecurity.

Stop talking about my knees!

Okay? It's not about my knees, okay?

You're not getting a boob job.

Your mom's not here, and I'm not signing off on it.

My mom bought them for me.

They're my 18th birthday present.

Well, you're 17.

I'm gonna hit the ground running.

Fine. Then I'm coming with you. There's gonna be

at least one voice of reason in that room.

Wait, what about brunch? I'm sorry, Alba,

brunch is canceled on account of Sabrina's stupidity.

Aw, come...

Whoa, is he okay?

Yeah, he's on top of the world. Can't you tell?

I don't get this whole fandom thing.

A bunch of middle-aged slobs

dressed up like some kid half their age,

like they're a part of something. It's pathetic.

Yeah, boys.

I'm gonna get sick today. I know it.

All right, I was able to scalp

two tickets together near the end zone.

Ben and I will be there with the diehards.

And you are in section 339, row double-Q.

Might want to wear some sunblock.

You're gonna get scorched.

Why am I sitting alone?

'Cause I bought the tickets. I gave you the money.

Okay, let's not get bogged down in the details right now.

I don't even want to be here.

I like my sports in high definition.

Buck up, Mary. Part of being a man's going it alone.

Let's meet at this light post 20 minutes after the game.

There's a million light posts.

Oh, really, are there a million light posts?

All right, fine.

Then the light post next to the red car, smart guy.

Let's get in there. I like to berate the opposing team

during warm-ups.

Turtle town, baby!

Screw this.

Where can I get a ticket?

Thanks.

"Dr. J. Goodby."

Stupid name. What?

Sabrina, nice to see you again.

Hi, I'm Dr. Goodby. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah, you would be.

Please.

Well, clearly very good at what you do.

Ignore her.

So what brings you in today?

Cut the crap, Goodby. We all know why we're here.

Right.

Breast implants.

I see your mom already paid for everything.

Yeah, she's gunning for mother of the year.

Well, all you have to do is choose a size.

What would you recommend? I don't want to go freakish

with it, I just want to look more mature.

You already look 25. Then again, the last thing I want

is to feel like I didn't go big enough. Oh, God.

How do you think a "D" would look?

Like a broom. With cantaloupes taped onto it.

Well, we do have some model implants,

if you'd like to see for yourself.

Thank you.

There are a couple of options:

Saline, a sterile saltwater solution;

Or silicone, a sturdier gel substance.

Saline, definitely. It's more natural.

Mm. Yeah, always going green, this one.

Go ahead. You're welcome to touch.

Want to feel?

Well, yeah, I mean, obviously, I want to feel.

Yeah. Okay.

Got a real weight to 'em. Mm.

Squishy. Nice.

Um...

what do you think about us taking 'em for a spin?

It's not a used car lot. Oh, it's no problem. Let me get a gown.

Oh, no, sorry, I was thinking more along

the lines of a field test.

Think it'd be pretty good for this one

to see what people think about her new friends.

I don't care what people think.

Yeah, but you care enough to get 'em in the first place, so...

It's fine, right?

What do you say? We'll just take 'em around the block,

have 'em back by supper.

Okay. Just be careful.

You got it. What do you say,

want to walk a mile in these boobs?

Good morning. Excuse me. Hi. Hi there. Oh, hi.

Excuse me. Hi. Beautiful day, isn't it?

Excuse me.

What's up? Hey.

How you doing?

Wow. I mean, my goodness.

Do you feel this energy shift?

I feel like everyone's staring right at me.

Yeah, maybe it's because you're working the room

like you're the mayor of Tit Town.

Yeah. You want to pop 'em on?