Adrienne Iapalucci: The Dark Queen

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage, my favorite comic,

The Dark Queen, Adrienne Iapalucci!

I'm not a good person.

My best friend, she moved to Austin

She's not very good with money. So for her birthday, I gave her $200,

and she spent it getting her shelter dogs DNA tested.

I was like, I'd rather you'd given that money to ISIS.

Well, at least they would've blown up something with that.

What did you think you're gonna find out about your shelter dog?

I'm pretty sure it's 100% nobody wanted it

No.

I know.

I also have a dog and people are like, "Did you rescue it?"

I'm like, "No, I paid for it 'cause I wanted a cute one."

Oh my God, she's so much cuter than your rescues.

Our life matters so much more.

Little Peggy Sue, she's so cute.

She's a Boston Terrier pug, and…

…she has brown fur, crystal green eyes,

and she has, like, the tiniest little pussy.

It's so cute. Yeah, we had to pay extra for it.

My friend's shelter dog's pussy is disgusting.

Like, I see why they were gonna put that one down.

No, my best friend, she lives in Austin, she's very liberal,

and she's always complaining that the rest of Texas is very conservative.

I'm like, "Well, you're actually the problem there."

You know?

Just like Israel.

No! I'm not saying either side is right or wrong,

but they are surrounded by Arab countries that hate them.

You are the problem.

Listen, I've been to Israel. It's not great.

It's just, like, hot and beaches.

It's a lot like Florida.

I wonder if Ukraine is worried that we're gonna cut them off financially now.

You know?

Ukraine's kinda like America's stepchild, but Israel is like our real child.

You know, Palestine is like our trans child.

They exist, but we don't want to talk about them.

No, I don't… Listen, I don't know anything about what's going on in the Middle East,

which is why I feel like I'm the right person to talk about it.

I will say, isn't it a nice change of pace to see white and brown people fight

in another country for a bit?

Look, I don't know how to make Palestine happy,

but has anyone tried giving them casinos?

I don't know.

I feel like it worked for us.

Oh my God, the Native Americans are so happy.

No.

Maybe we could name some sports teams after them, you know?

I don't know, the Palestinian Paragliders.

I don't know, I'm just talking.

Um… Obviously we can work this out.

No. I don't know.

I guess Hamas has to kill all of the Jews,

and they got that directly from Allah,

or like, some guy they're hanging out with.

Um, it's kind of…

…unclear.

Um… But even if they do have to kill all of the Jews, right?

It does feel like the rapes were just for them.

Right? Like when they get to the afterlife, like,

"That is not what we talked about."

You really freestyled there.

Yes.

Hamas has to kill all of the Jews.

They are really limiting it to Israel.

Right? If they wanted all the Jews dead, wouldn't they do it globally?

It's just local.

Which lets you know it's not really about the Jews.

It's about whoever is occupying that space.

If Asian people lived there, they would hate the Asians, you know?

Um…

Like, look at me. I've lived in the Bronx my entire life, so I hate Puerto Ricans.

And what I am proposing is a little exchange program…

…where we send the Puerto Ricans to Israel.

And send the Jews to the Bronx.

And then you watch how quickly the Palestinians will be begging

for the Jews back.

Like…

Like, oh my God.

Like, "These people never sleep!"

"Just always playing music."

Yeah!

"The Jews go to bed, you know?"

"They have jobs."

Um…

You know…

No.

I am part Jewish, which, you know, I didn't want to bring up,

because we were having so much fun.

- -But…

Nobody knew that growing up.

I have a very Italian last name and I also went to Catholic school my whole life.

And I had blonde hair as a kid, so…

One day in class, my teacher said in front of everyone,

"Adrienne, if this had been during Hitler's era, you might've been

one of the only people in the class that he saved."

I was like, what a weird way to tell everyone I'm better than them.

My mother's mother is Jewish, and that's how you get it.

And, uh…

I thought she was in the Holocaust.

I told a lot of people that.

My mom was like, "You know, she was also just born in the Bronx."

Well, she had a much longer train ride.

Uh…

I did get to go to Israel.

If you've never been there before, you know,

this is a good time to go.

I'd never been there before. I was there on a tour,

and me and my friend, we went to the Western Wall.

If you've never been to the Western Wall, don't bother going,

It's just a brick wall.

This place is owned by Jews also.

So…

It's like being at the Western Wall.

So when you go there, they separate the men and the women from praying.

And the women's side was very long, so I just went on the men's side.

And, uh…

That is highly frowned upon there.

Like, "You cannot be on this side." I was like, "Why?"

They're like, "Well, the men cannot have any distractions."

I was like, "How do you know I'm not sent from God as a test?"

He's like, "Just go on the other side."

You know, I go on the other side. It's just old ladies crying

and young girls with selfie sticks. If there is a God, he's not thrilled.

And, you know, being a native New Yorker, I just pushed everyone out of the way.

- -"Let's get to the wall."

I didn't know what to do when I got there 'cause no one told me.

So I just treated it like it was Santa Claus.

Like, "I want a new car."

"And I want to hit the lottery."

"Give this lady whatever she wants, she's crying pretty hard."

There's also cracks in the wall, which people put little notes to God.

Because God can hear you, but he also likes to do a bit of reading.

No.

Nobody told me that, so I just took the notes out and started reading them.

"He's not gonna grant that one."

No.