Orange Is the New Black

Now, you'll want to pick the gayest handkerchief you can find,

since this will serve as your doll's head.

Uh, I'll choose apple-blossom pink for my demonstration.

I'm gonna give my doll bangs like Debbie Reynolds.

My mom says I can't watch her movies anymore,

now that she gave her lady gift to Eddie Fisher.

- What does that mean? - It's some kind of flower.

This may not look as tricky as the Indian Lore badge

or the Backyard Chef badge,

but the Hobby Fun badge has eluded many a sloppy girl.

Did you hear that, Frieda?

Finally a badge you won't get.

You calling me sloppy?

And smelly. Also smelly.

It's the beaver musk I put around my neck.

Well, it smells like a monkey butt.

Technically, it does come from the anal glands,

which makes it very helpful when you want to attract deer.

"Attract deer"? Are you gonna marry them?

I'm gonna shoot 'em.

You were right. She is an alien from outer space.

Do you know the Nature Scout motto?

"Ready for any and all things."

Do you know what it means?

What if your mom went away one day and there were no more finger sandwiches?

What if the sky went dark and all the crops died?

Would you know which plants were safe to eat

and which ones will make you vomit till you're dead?

Could you kill an animal and clean it without cutting the intestines?

Could you take its skin and salt it and tan it to keep warm?

Or would you sit in the corner with your doll and wait to die?

I'll take a piece of that green gingham over there, thank you.

Uh, hello? Hello?

- Anybody there? - Maybe it's broken.

Hey, uh, if you're a guard, buzz twice.

Not a good sign.

The one who kicked me in the vag is kinda cute.

Good Aryan stock.

You can't tell by looking. I met a Jew once, nose like a Kewpie doll.

And the crotch kicker's mine. You get the bald one.

But I called him.

Hair likes hair, bald likes bald.

Why do you think Cali skins don't fuck Idaho Klan?

- No mixing. - Both.

What?

All for Helen.

News flash, ladies.

Those boys don't wanna fuck any of you.

They don't see you as women.

Look, the garden gnome talks.

The fuck are you doing, anyway?

Craft project.

What a weirdo.

They look kinda dumb.

I like someone I can have a conversation with.

Oh, wait, are we talking sex or relationship here?

Fuck, marry, kill.

There's only two of them.

Three of us.

It'll pass the time.

Hey, Einstein.

He knows his name.

Wanna play a game?

- Oh, sh... - Shit, you scared me.

No, you scared me with that performance back there.

You should win an Oscar and use it like a dildo.

Sorry, I just had to clear my head.

You got that gun on you?

Yeah, it's in my underwear drawer. What you think?

Go collect the guards from the bubble. Bring 'em to the chapel.

Get Flaritza to help you, all right?

- Flaritza? - Yeah, that's their thing now.

I'll see you in the chapel in ten minutes.

We gonna get organized.

You need to bow out?

This is your chance, right here, right now.

All you gotta do is hand over the piece.

Nah, I got this.

Good.

- No more Girl, Interrupted shit, okay? - Wait, what does that mean?

- Like, letting people interrupt me? - Nah, it's, like, the whitest movie ever.

Just don't act like a gringa mental case, okay?

I thought you said this shit was clickbait.

Be patient. All it takes is one retweet.

We was supposed to be "Hamster With a Burrito."

- Instead, we nothin' but Side Boob. - Mmm-hmm.

Hey, "Workers in the Mine" has over 1,100 views.

Yeah? Well, how many of those was from your mama?

Ooh, ya burnt!

That'll do it.

State your business.

Oh, shit, they got Jefe.

They don't "got" me.

Kinda looks that way.

Business?

Ruiz is havin' a little orientation in the chapel.

A reorientation.

- Pass. - Yeah.

Where I come from, you don't hang with bitches packin' caliber.

That guard only took one bullet.

Too many left.

Yeah, we keepin' this here a no-violence zone.

A no-gun zone.

We cool with Spam cans in socks.

Hey, your call.

Look, we was just tryin' to have a racially inclusive riot and shit.

Wait, a guard was shot?

Yeah, but he ain't dead or nothin'.

- Yeah... - Yo, we got a comment, y'all.

Yo, here come a revolution!

Hold up. "Earn up to $1,200 a week from home."

Looks like the spam escaped your socks.

Wait, you can make that kinda money from home?

So I'm asking you to poke your head in. See who's takin' charge.

It's just a meeting. I'm sure it'll be civilized.

Well, that does not seem very PC.

Or is it allowed if you're darker than a Band-Aid?

I'm not ready to be around people yet.

And maybe that includes you.

You should go.

I'm not in uniform.

And you're nice and anonymous.

Anonymous?

There are, like, four Asian girls in this prison

and my girlfriend just died.

Oh, so let them comfort you, then.

Well, I can't go out there.

When there's a revolution,

who do you think it is that gets guillotined first?

- The one percent. - Marie-Antoinette.

- The one percent. - That's right.

And I intend to keep this one-percent neck.

I had it contoured last January

after Colicchio told me that it had more rings than a Swiss roll.

But I told him he looked like a manscaped scrotum,

which is less poetic, but extremely apt.

You're scared.

That's a new shade from you.

- "Darker than a Band-Aid." - Oh, darling...

- I have been terrified this whole time. - Bullshit.

You have had this place wrapped around your finger,

but now you just lost your protectors.

So I'm in the market for replacements.

Look, I wasn't supposed to be here anymore.

All right? I was supposed to be out.

Hmm.

- The books... - Mmm-hmm.

She'd want me to make sure that they're safe.

Rest assured, I will play the role of stern but foxy librarian to the hilt.

All right. You can do it.

Guys, wait up!

Aw, can we keep her?

If you promise to feed her and walk her every day.

And she never comes into our bed.

You are very long-legged women. Ooh, are we seeing a movie?

I heard he was shooting all the Muslims execution style.

- I heard it was an inmate. - No, it was Humps.

The guy's a psycho.

Humps is a name?

Who's the ranking officer here?

Rick Hopper. I'm the captain over at the Max facility.

CO Piscatella is your man up here.

- Where is he? - I don't know.

Still inside, maybe. I'm guessing.

It's a developing situation.

- What are your orders? - Orders?

We don't even know whose jurisdiction this is yet.

If it's a mass shooter, it's the feds.

If it's a prison riot, chain starts at MCC,

and if it's a cat up a tree, that's you guys.

Oh, so that's how it's gonna be, huh?

- They were yelling, "Attica." - So it's a riot.

We're not gonna jump to conclusions.

I'd rather it be a riot than a shooter any day.

Inmates can't organize. And lady inmates?

Come on. I give 'em 15, 20 minutes

before they're all pulling each other's hair

and begging us to come back inside.

- Ma'am. - Mmm-hmm.

You think they care about us?

No!

Do they care if we live or die?

- No! - "Do they care if we live or die?"

They care about money!

"They care about the money."

Sí!

- "Yes." - I got that.

We are done getting shit on.

From now on, we're the ones doing the shitting!

"We are the shitters."

Yeah, everything sounds better in Spanish.

We're here,

in this situation, 'cause of how they been running this place,

and now that we in charge,

we gonna do better.

Speak English!

Fine.

This motherfucking meeting is called to order!

Welcome to Litchfield 2.0!

Still busted-ass, but getting better by the minute.