Modern Family

Hey!

We got a package from my dad.

No air holes in the box. That's a good sign.

Lily loved having that chicken.

One more time than she realized.

Listen, I just got an e-mail from our wedding singer.

He has a small request. Another one?

Since when does the wedding singer send us requests?

Well, no, he just wants to change a few songs in your medley

to avoid overlap with the stuff that he's performing.

Well, I hope it's none of my showstoppers.

Oh, they're all showstoppers.

Oh, you're too kind.

Oh, my gosh, it's us.

For our wedding cake.

Couldn't you just die?

I really think I could.

My dad made this. He's a world-class soap carver.

You know, once, when I was a kid, I cussed,

and my mom washed my mouth out with the leaning tower of pisa.

She still blames herself to this day.

Oh, I would have nixed that wedding topper immediately,

but cam and I have an agreement.

We... we each got three vetoes of each other's wedding ideas...

no questions asked.

And it... it worked for... A while.

I think you're gonna love my wedding board.

I'm pretty excited, too.

Veto. Veto.

Veto. Veto.

Veto. Veto.

I'm sorry I'm so emotional.

It's just the nicest thing ever.

You don't think that I look just a little bit...

I mean, my dad carved through his arthritis!

Maybe it's the kicky leg.

I mean, the hours his ruined hands put into this.

He found us in soap.

Today, Mitchell, I know love.

I no love, either.

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Thanks.

I'm helping Gloria sell the old apartment

that she and Manny lived in before she met Jay.

It's in an up-and-coming neighborhood

with a distinct multicultural bent

that's undergoing an exciting urban renewal.

That's a fancy way of saying "the gays found it."

I can't believe that I lived here for five years.

Even turning the lights on was a pain.

Look at this.

Keep it down, you bitch!

Ay. Mrs. Rivera's still alive.

I am really digging this place.

Right?

The gas stove, the moldings...

they don't make 'em like this anymore.

I'll probably gut it.

Rip it out. That's what I'd do.

I want my contractor to swing by, but I really like it.

Great. All right. Thanks.

Bye-bye. Talk to you soon.

So nice to meet you.

I'm not selling to him.

What? Really?

He's a quality buyer.

You're tired of finding renters.

This is a family building.

Generations have lived there, and usually at the same time.

He just wants to flip it.

Okay.

I got a backup I can probably get here in an hour.

You want to wait in there?

You walk in that door, you never come out.

No, no, not the bar... the coffee shop.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Oh.

But we can wait next door.

That's my old hair salon where I used to work.

You can get drinks there, too.

Oh.

Gloria!

What's so funny?

What's so funny?

She thinks you're my lover.

That is funny!

I don't know if it's "a room full of women laughing" funny,

but...

Ay, Rita, no.

Phil is a friend of mine,

and we're just killing time before an appointment.

I hate to ask, Gloria, but my new girl hasn't shown up.

Any chance you could help?

Ay, of course!

It will be so much fun!

Oh! I don't want to ruin my nails.

Phil, would you do my shampooing?

Well, I-I guess so. We've got the time.

Just a warning...

I haven't shampooed professionally since college,

and that was only part-time to pay for my cheer gear.

Wow. That was super-braggy.

What do we got, double sinks? What's the nozzle sitch?

Not to sound too braggy,

but your mom was kind of a badass at work this week.

It was hard enough with grandpa being sick

and me suddenly in charge,

but it was just one crisis after another.

Luke, honey, we're going!

Fire in the warehouse, surprise inspection from osha,

our biggest buyer tried to pull out of a deal,

and I have to talk him off a ledge.

Whatever. It's over now.

I don't want to bore you guys with this stuff.

So, when I get to work on Wednesday,

Margaret is already in tears,

and there are two cops in the waiting room,

and I say to them,

"one of you had better be able to drive an 18-Wheeler,

"because I've got 100 rosewood panels to get to victorville,

or it's coming out of my paycheck."

I told you guys about the drivers and the bad tuna?

Bad tuna, yes. Yeah. Yes, I did.

Whew.

Hey, mom, I forgot how fun this car was.

And these automatic doors and that TV in the back.

You know what else was fun?

The party they threw for me at work on Friday.

I mean, it was a little bit embarrassing.

I didn't even know "she-ro" was a word,

and there it was, in icing.

Hello, hello!

Welcome to Jay's night. Names, please.

Want to make sure you're on the list.

Kidding! Just excited.

Appetizers on the bar, scrabble on the coffee table,

and our feature presentation, "the great escape."

Speaking of which, Haley...

Don't worry, grandpa. I'm not leaving.

I have no plans for the night.

Me, either.

But when I say it, it's news.

When you say any complete sentence, it's news.

Okay, girls. Dad, you feeling better?

You had a rough week, huh?

Nah. I'm fine.

Looks like you had a big week.

You heard about that?

Yeah, I got the blow-by-blow on all the office drama.

By the way, sincerely...

Yeah?

Great...

Great guacamole on the bar, there.

Wow. That's it?

Everything you did for him, and he doesn't even say "thank you"?

I get it.

It's "hero" with a "she."

Okay, I'm up to speed.

Yeah, that was cold.

It's just his way.

After years of disappointment,

I have learned not to expect a pat on the head from my dad.

He's not capable of it.

But it has taught me a very important lesson

that you girls should learn, too...

approval comes from within.

I knew that, mom.

'Course you did, 'cause you're smart.

Hey, is lily out of the tub? We got to be at my dad's soon.

Oh, no!

It's not that big of a deal. We can be a little late.

No! Lily had the cake topper in the tub with her!

Oh, no. How could such a terrible mistake have occurred?

I think she must have just thought it was a toy or something.

Well, I hope it's not completely ruined forever.

Oh, no. Are you kidding me?

My daddy uses a special shellac on this thing.

This is water-resistant, heat-resistant... you name it.

Good to know. Yeah, but put it someplace safe.

It could still be slippery, so be careful.

Is it?

Oh, yeah, it is! It's slippery!

Is it okay? Ah...

Not a scratch.

Whew!

Apparently, I'm tougher than I look.

Hey, boys. Having fun?

You know it. Love us some Jay's night.

Okay, we're out of here.

Kristy Hughes, a.K.A. "Kristy huge ones,"

is having a pool party two blocks away.

What about Jay? He thinks we're at a party.

He'll never know.

We sneak out, work the room, cannonball, cannonball,

and we're back in time for dinner.

Were you even invited?