My Science Project

This is Intercepter One, It's going down,

I repeat, the Bogey is going down,

Detail, attention!

Yes, sir!

You! You!

Present arms!

Present arms!

- Sorry l used the security phone, sir. - That's all right, Max.

- My golf's not what it was. - This sounds crazy. l think we have a...

Max, what could be worse than invading Europe?

After you, sir.

- Brief me. - lt entered our air space last night.

lt made a mockery of our intercepters.

According to our pilots, it suffered a malfunction and crashed in the desert.

Was there a crew or any survivors?

The egg-heads found the remains of two creatures and pulled the engine out.

They want time to study it.

- Has the press gotten wind of this? - We don't think so, sir.

But we can't keep this on ice indefinitely.

Get rid of it.

Right away, sir.

So, what l've attempted to do here

is to instill in you a basic scientific curiosity about the world we live in.

Sherman, tell me about your science project.

Mr Roberts, l've studied the accuracy of the Gregorian calender

in relation to the vernal equinox.

Good. Ellie, tell me about yours.

Well, Mr Roberts, l'm doing the...

l want you to listen!

l'm doing the effects of ultaviolet rays on plant fungus.

That's outta sight, Ellie. Would you call me Bob?

Only the pigs call me Mister.

They're not getting away with it. Harlan!

Why not tell us about your science project?

What?

This is science class. Your science project?

- l'm working on it. - You're working on it?

Hey, Mike.

Ciao, babe!

How is that, two weeks before graduation,

a man of your mechanical capabilities hasn't finished his science project?

l've been working at Charlie's garage. lt cuts into my free time.

- Yeah. - You know.

l don't make the rules around here, but bottom line, golden rule -

no project, no diploma, babe.

Oh, yeah.

l thought l could, maybe, rebuild a carburettor if that's OK.

Come on, Harlan. You do that in your sleep.

Do something special, something original.

Come on, man.

And don't forget your science final tomorrow.

Hey, man. l don't like to hassle you, Mike. Have a nice day.

- Nice day? - Yeah. Come on!

l was your age once - in the '60s when all you needed to finish school was a Frisbee.

A gas mask helped!

- See ya later, Bob. - Protest songs, white rabbits.

TNT didn't hurt anything. ''Take tea and see''.

Free love!

Cosmo says that today is the day, so get rid of 'em.

Hey, Crystal. How you doin'?

Michael, l can't keep this mink wheel.

What? Why not?

We must seek different destinies, Michael.

Our song is over, finis. Comprendez?

No, wait a second. Talk English, will you, Crystal?

You're more interested in your stupid GTO than me.

Wait. Whose name is on my fender? Yours! Don't we go out all the time? Don't we?

- To car shows, drag racing, junkyards. - So what?

- That's not what l want. - So what do you want, Crystal? Him?

Michael, l want to be swept off my feet, seranaded, worshipped like a goddess.

Come on! Bullshit!

That is exactly what my ''Cosmo'' romantiscope said you'd say, Michael.

Ta-ta for ever, monkey wrench!

Romantiscope?!

Ellie, l know it's short notice but l was wondering if you wanted to go to the prom?

Look, Sherman, can we talk about it later?

Gotcha! Finally! Now l need some information from you, OK?

- Pull the plug will you? - lt's for the yearbook. l need stats now!

- You got lousy timing. - l know.

lt's a flaw in my character. Now, what's your sign, Harlan?

Pontiac.

''Bimbo leaves Harlan in limbo!''

Makes a great yearbook headline, don't you think?

Newsflash update.

- l dumped Crystal. - That is not what l heard.

- No? - No!

OK. What do you want to know?

- Your major? - Yeah.

Major? l don't know. Auto shop.

- Favourite video game? - ''World Series''.

All right, how many times did you see ''Jedi''?

- l never saw ''Jedi''. - You never saw ''Jedi''?

Have you been under a car for ten years?

- All right, what do you like? - What do l like? l like cars.

l like Springsteen. l like...l like my goat, you know.

- Goat? - Yeah.

- OK, yeah, but...? - But what?

What do you do in your spare time?

Cars. Bye.

What goat?!

l want you!

Mike! So what's the dish, cousin fish? What happened? Talk to me.

- What? With who? - With Crystal.

Everybody know about this but me?

ln ''Dynasty'', this guy got a girl back with a Chihuahua fur coat!

Vince! She doesn't want a fur coat. She doesn't even want me.

- Yeah? What does she want? - l don't know. She wants to be...romanced.

- Swept off her feet. - l'd sweep her off her feet with a left!

- A girl pulls that back in Brooklyn. Bam! - OK, Vince.

Hey. You're cool, right? You're cool?

Yeah.

l'm cool.

l don't know, Vince.

- Crystal. - Why can't women be like cars?

You put gas in a car and you cruise.

Try and treat that girl nice and she leaves me in the dust.

You know, my old man says treat broads like dirt and they love ya.

Yeah? What's your old lady say?

My parents are divorced. That's how come l'm living in the sticks with the old man.

- What did Sawyer want? - l don't know. Yearbook stats.

- l hit on Sawyer once. - Yeah?

l tried to give her this ltalian macho bod!

- What did she do? - Poor girl lost out!

Called me a word l had to look up in the dictionary. Psych majors are trouble.

- l'm serious! - Check this out. l put in new lifters.

- Blow Matuski away! - Matuski's a fag!

Yeah, man! Let's roll!

Come on, Sawyer! Move that thing away!

Come on! Get it out of there!

- What's going on, Sawyer? - lf l knew that, Harlan, l'd fix it!

OK! Come on, you're holding everybody up. Get in the car.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Motorhead Mike!

Show-off!

l don't believe this.

OK, Sawyer. What's going on?

Distributor caps don't just pop off unless you want 'em to.

OK.

lt's confession time.

l need you to save me from being voted Senior Class Spinster.

What?

Be a boy scout and give me a date.

Sawyer!

Too much!

OK.

OK, Sawyer. l'll pick you up at eight. Be outside.

- Outside? Won't you meet my parents? - Yeah. Outside. No way.

You're better with cars than with people.

Look, if you don't want to do this, it's fine...

No, Harlan. Really. l'll be outside at eight. Fine.

OK.

Oh, yeah, one more thing. Do you read that mag ''Cosmo''?

That rag? Are you kidding?

Good.

- Harlan? - What?

The name's Ellie not Sawyer, OK?

Right. Ellie.

Hey, let's move it or we'll move it for ya!

- Let's go, Sherm the worm! - Move the heap, gonad.

Get it outta the way!

Here you are. A bit more!

lt's so good!

Mikey! Mike!

This is my kid here.

- Hi. - l didn't expect you home so early.

l...l got take-out here.

Why don't you grab yourself a table?

Oh, no, no. That's OK.

Oh, Mike, l'd like you meet Delores.

She's the sales representative for...

- Betty-Jo. - Betty-Jo Cosmetics.

- How do you do, Michael? - Hi.

l'm so pleased to make your acquaintance.

l gotta get going. l've got a date. l'll just...l'll just take a beer.

Nice meeting you, Louise.

Come on, Skipper.

Ciao, Michael.

Louise?

- You're really out to impress me, Harlan! - What?

- Breaking and entering on a first date! - Come on!

l can't believe this.

l must have a masochistic tendency l didn't know about.

Doesn't anybody wine and dine a girl any more?

Come on!

Keep it down, will you? Get down!

Oh, come on, Harlan. Wait up! Harlan!

This may be a stupid question, but what are we doing in a junkyard?

- This isn't just any junkyard. - What's special about it?

lt used to be an old military testing ground.

Now they just dump all their old junk here. l thought you'd like it.

- You want to be a reporter, don't you? - Yeah. Or a psych.

- What's that got to do with anything? - Look around.

Everything here's got a story behind it.

Yeah. You know, you're right. l never really thought about it.

Harlan!

What are we doing here?

l need a project to graduate.

l can't do anything scientific.

What l can do is...is restore old machines.

l might find something to pass off as my science project.