Stop! That! Train!

- Luxury. - Luxury.

- Opulence. - Opulence.

- Hot people. - Hot people.

Here on the Glamazonian Express,

every journey is the height of extravagance

and wasteful excess.

There's more where that came from.

You can't beat Glamazonian's five-star service.

I'll take this one.

I love my wife and kids,

but Glamazonian helps me get away once in a while.

Sometimes you just need a weekend with the boys.

Don't answer that.

Because we're not just America's

first transcontinental bullet train.

We're your family.

If your family was a bunch of rich,

successful ladies in shoulder pads.

Travel Glamazoniously.

Look at them. They're perfect.

Could you imagine us like that,

traveling the country in a skirt suit?

Finally in a high-speed line. No more commuter rail.

Staying in luxury hotels.

Like a ski chalet in Aspen.

Where a couple muscled-up Swiss twins

walk up to us at the hot tub, and they're like,

"Maybe we should take this party upstairs."

Oh, but then we're like, "Sorry, boys.

We are both married to men who work in

-commercial real estate." -Commercial real estate.

But we have consensual kink positive sex with them anyway.

And get this. We both reach climax at the same exact time

while eyes locked from the twin beds in our shared room.

Or even separate rooms.

-Oh. -Oh.

Yeah. Thank you.

-Did you hear about Luann? -What a loss.

She was the best cafe car girl out there.

Now boarding train 16

to Six Flags Guantanamo Bay.

Tess and DeeDee.

-Hey, Barb. Checking in. -Hey, Barb. Checking in.

Oh, busy train today, huh?

She's really getting

in there.

More like no train.

Here. They're letting us girls go.

Shutting the whole thing down.

What? They can't shut down a whole train line.

They can if it's called Stank Rail,

and only stops in three sad cities.

One of which just got swallowed up by a mine fire

that's been burning up for 60 years.

Barb, what are you gonna do?

Girl, I got a few odd jobs lined up.

You know, a little light sex work.

Maybe get pregnant. Maybe I'll sell my hair.

Isn't that the plot of Les Misérables?

Girl, I got a feeling this lez is gonna be far from miserable.

- Barbra out. - Now boarding

train 582 to Pyongyang, North Korea.

I'll miss this.

Fantasizing about where everyone's traveling to.

Like him.

He could be going anywhere.

Deedles, what happened to us?

I mean, we've been doing this for what,

like 10 years now.

And I just thought we'd be...

I don't know. Just, like, something.

Know what this is?

Oh, my God. Is that our yearbook from Train Hostess Academy?

I always keep it in my carry-on.

Aw, look how young we were. Well, kind of.

DeeDee, do you remember when we first met each other

in the showers after that luggage-lifting seminar?

We promised each other that we would see the world together.

You know, climb every mountain,

ford every stream.

See the Dakotas, both Fanning and Johnson.

Oh, visit the world wonders like the Grand Canyon

and those four gay guys stuck on that mountain.

And then we were gonna give birth together in Tijuana,

you know, just to prove to everybody

that their healthcare system isn't really as bad

as everybody says it is.

Oh, we were gonna explore all the different cultures

and countries

and bathrooms because of your whole bladder thing.

Glamazonian better find

two replacements soon if those two girls don't show up.

-Where are they? -Last time I saw them,

they were in the ski chalet hot tub.

They're probably still with those Swiss twins.

Ugh. I hate twins. If you have sex with one,

you legally have to have sex with the other

or else you go to jail.

Glamazonian will take anyone at this point.

Even girls with big gums.

Or worse, those girls from Stank Rail.

- Don't look at me. - No.

Okay.

DeeDee, did you hear that?

My doctor says it's a pressurized urethra.

No, Glamazonian is looking for two replacements.

Now, that could be us.

Tess, it's over.

It's time to go back to working at my parents' glue factory.

DeeDee. DeeDee, wait.

DeeDee. No.

Oh, come out of there. Weren't you just in here?

I really like it in here.

Besides, it's not like I have anywhere else to go today.

Don't you remember what you told me

our first day of Train Hostess Academy?

"I'm only here because I don't wanna join the army"?

The other thing.

"My favorite spice is pudding"?

The other thing.

"I'm on the run

and nobody knows I'm here"?

The other, other thing.

We were going to see America.

DeeDee, this is our chance.

Look.

DeeDee, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

"If mermaids exist, shouldn't there be mer-butlers?"

The other thing.

"Are all ghosts naked?"

The other, other thing.

"Do you wanna scissor?"

DeeDee!

Look.

Uh-huh.

Okay. You bring that over there,

and I'll just start splitting the pants.

This is gonna look just like their uniforms.

We're gonna look so Glamazonian.

We are experiencing further delays

on the Glamazonian Express

because two bitches decided to not show up.

Well, they said there would be replacements.

Where the hell are they?

We're right here.

What are they wearing?

You are always so critical of other women.

"Look at their ill-fitting uniforms."

It looks like they were designed by Edward Scissor-fuck.

-You know what? -I didn't mean that.

Girls. Girls.

Barbra.

You work at Glamazonian now?

Looks like we had the same idea.

You gotta take work where you can get it, right?

- Thank you. - Now boarding

couples that shouldn't be together.

-She's the one who started it. -I didn't start anything.

Look at my face.

Use your words.

My words are fuck you!

Oh.

Luxury.

Opulence.

Puke.

As in what's currently rising up in my esophagus

while I wonder why two sad mole people are in my first class.

- Mm-hm. - Oh.

Look, Deedles, it's Amber from Train Hostess Academy.

Oh, my God, Tess? It's been a minute, girl.

I didn't recognize you with all the crow's feet and sun damage.

And DeeDee, you look...

completely different.

- Thank you. - Let me guess.

- Stroke? - No. Hi, Alli.

And...

Ash? Ay-ash?

Ai-ush-li... Ash-le-gweh.

I'm not really sure how to say it.

Uh... Don't worry, you won't.

It's so weird we've never worked together before.

How long have you two been Glamazonians?

-Oh, it's our first day. -Oh, like, like...

-Our whole lives. Entire lives. -Our entire lives.

Oh, sure.

I remember coach like it was yesterday.

Oh, wait. No, I don't.

We were put into first class right after graduation.

Let's just say we made a good impression.

Oh, you slept your way to the top.

How dare you?

We barely slept at all.

We were too busy having sex with powerful railroad people.

-Yeah. -Fuck!

You see? This is exactly why we don't talk to you two.

You've always been so mean to us.

-Rude. -Alli, Ayshleiygh.

Let's go, girls.

Now boarding the Glamazonian Express

non-stop to Celebration, Florida.