Catastrophe

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

~ Sorry. ~ That's OK.

I know it seems crowded but it only took me 40 minutes

to get my last drink.

Is that all?

Hey, let me get yours.

It'll make me feel better about being in line for just a Coke.

You don't drink?

No. I quit a few years ago,

after I shit my pants at my sister's wedding.

OK, thank you.

~ No, no, I'll get it. ~ No, it's fine.

Hey, don't make me fight a stranger.

OK. I'll have a margarita.

I've never had casual sex with a sober person before.

~ You've got a really nice room. ~ Thank you. I got an upgrade.

Yeah? Oh, shit.

Oh, God!

That was really unnecessary.

~ You don't have a hairy back. ~ Neither do you.

I was all psyched up to deal with a hairy back.

I have hairy balls.

Whoa!

Oh, what the fuck?

~ Shit. ~ Oh, Jesus, I'm sorry.

Uh...

That was exciting.

~ Hi. ~ Hey!

I was just sneaking out.

OK.

So when do you go back?

~ Thursday. ~ Well, that's...

Do you want to have dinner?

Erm...

Do YOU want to have dinner?

Yeah... that's why I asked.

OK. Do you have a wife or anything?

No.

OK, well, I'll write down my number.

Oh, you know what, that's my work visa, so if you...

~ Doesn't matter. ~ (OK.)

Great.

I noticed that you took some things from the bathroom, and that's fine,

but could you leave the toothpaste?

Erm, no, I didn't take any tooth...

Oh, shit, I did, yeah. Sorry!

It's just small and cute.

Erm, so, you should probably open a window, cos it really stinks in here.

Keep the change.

That dinner was really nice.

The lamb was exceptional.

So, what time is your flight?

7:30.

~ 7:30. ~ Yeah.

So listen, I wanted to say that

I know this wasn't anything serious and it was just a bit of fun...

This wasn't serious?

N-no, when I say it wasn't serious, I mean...

Goofing you, bro!

Yeah...

Go on, carry on, you were saying this was just a bit of fun...?

I want you to know that I'm going to look back on my time

with you and remember you as

an extraordinarily good-smelling woman

with a magical ass.

And you're smart, so you could even get away

with being less attractive, and you'd still be...

.. fairly attractive.

Fuck!

Wow. OK. Erm...

I'll remember you as a sturdy love-maker

with a massive chin,

who was... really kind to waiters and taxi drivers,

which suggests you might actually be a good person.

What time is it?

It's 4:30.

Seriously, you're going to have to go faster.

So, I thought it was fine if I asked you out cos you're a temp.

If you worked with us permanently, this wouldn't be appropriate.

But you're a temp, so we just won't hire you again.

You're funny.

So, tell me something about you.

Well, I'm doing my Masters at Boston University and...

I'm sorry. It's my mom.

She's calling me back cos... I called her

cos it's her birthday.

Hey, so great to hear from you!

I'm sorry I haven't called, but I have some good news,

I'm going to be in London in April.

But I'm pregnant.

~ Did you just say "pregnant"? ~ Yeah, I said "pregnant".

Do you want me to say it again? "Pregnant".

How...? I don't understand, I mean, how...?

Well, I think it's because, you know, we had sex about 25 times in a week

and you wore a condom maybe twice... twice of those times?

~ Why did you let me do that?! ~ I don't know! Because...

.. I was drunk the first...

.. even though I wasn't drunk most of the other times,

there was a precedent there that you took complete advantage of!

What do you want to do?

I want to build a time machine out of your fucking carcass,

go back and make it un-happen!

Do you want me to come over sooner?

No!

Yeah. I don't know. I just...

I don't know what to do you get pregnant by a stranger.

I don't know the etiquette.

I'm not a stranger - I'm a familiar acquaintance.

A friend who helped you make a mistake

but will now help you...

.. figure it out. OK?

Is your mom OK?

Huh?

Oh... no.

She's pregnant.

So, why don't you tell me a little bit about you now?

Hmm...

Oh, shit.

Hi.

I wasn't sure you'd recognise me.

And it only says "Rob" because, erm...

I don't know your surname.

It's Norris.

It's... it's Norris?

Mine's Morris.

Morris and Norris.

Well, at least that's fucking ridiculous.

You just don't think stuff like this'll happen.

What, that repeated sexual intercourse

between two healthy adults

will do the exact thing it's supposed to do?

Have you ever done a science class?

Do you know how to read?

I'm sorry.

I'm not pregnant, and you are, and it's because of me

but if you're going to have this baby, then...

Who says I'm going to have it?

Well, how old are you?

Look, the good news is that we're reasonably good people,

so we could probably do this

and not fuck the kid up too horribly.

I'm just saying a terrible thing has happened.

Let's make the best of it.

So where you staying?

I'm joking. You can stay in my spare room.

I'm joking, I'm a teacher!

I don't have a spare room.

~ Do you want some? ~ Sure.

Hello.

Do you know if Miss Morris is finished with her classes?

Is she under arrest?

~ No, I'm just waiting... ~ Are you American?

Yes, I am.

Do you know Barack Obama?

~ No, I don't. ~ Do you know his daughters?

I know Sasha but I don't know Malia.

How do you know them if you don't know Barack Obama?

I don't know them.

Are you a basketball player?

No.

Why are you waving at Miss Morris?

Because she's my girlfriend.

Is her hair a wig?

I don't... I don't think so.

~ Do you know she's pregnant? ~ What?!

What did you just say?

She's pregnant?

Oh, yeah, I knew that.

Are you a basketball player?

Mm-hmm.

Excuse me.

~ Just... do that in the car. ~ OK.

So, you got yourself some fans here.

We're not his fans.

I thought he was someone special.

I am special!

So is this just a regular scan?

Yeah.

Well, I can find out the sex this time if I want.

Well, do we want to?

I mean, wouldn't it be nice to have a surprise?

Well, Rob...

It is Rob, isn't it?

Cos I only met you about 20 minutes ago

and now I'm pregnant with your baby

so for the moment, I'd like a whisper of certainty in my life.

Not even in my life - in my body.

Right, now, in reviewing your Pap smear,

we found an abnormality.

It's nothing to worry too much about yet

but you've got what's called cervical dysplasia.

What the hell is that?

Strictly speaking, it is what we call a "pre-cancer."

~ Cancer?! ~ PRE-cancer.

Frankly, I hate that it has the word cancer attached to it

because it isn't cancer but it's sort of

next door to cancer.

What is she saying?