Camp Dread

Do you think you're a good child to your parents?

Why do you want to be on TV?

I don't wanna be on TV.

Why you gotta film me and shit?

Is this like some kinda intervention or something?

I didn't ask to be here.

This outward bound shit is a lot better than rehab.

Or sleeping with my hands over my ass in jail.

I'm being punished because I have a girlfriend.

Reality TV.

Can't say I watch it too much.

Describe yourself with just single words.

Okay, let's see.

Nice, sincere,

and innocent.

Is that gonna get me on?

Protective.

Unpredictable.

Really? Come on.

That's like,

like a, is there another question?

Cause,

Shark fuckin' just snatched it man,

like, a flip, I went under and like,

when I came to I had one leg.

Are you serious?

Nah. I mean it sounds better

than a motorcycle accident though.

Right?

Why do you want to be on TV?

I got good hair.

Fuck you.

Mr. Barrett, this is Kim France

of Globus Financial, about your past,

Julian, this is Brian

at Frontier Pictures, we wanna talk Summer Camp reboot.

ASAP, give a shout.

It's me Barrett.

Money's been transferred.

Call me on this number.

How do you feel about death?

What?

So, how goes the camp, Mr. Barrett?

Up and running in two weeks, Mryna.

Good. What can I getcha?

The usual.

I knew that, just checking.

Thank you, darlin'.

Get in the car, get in the car!

I'm gonna speak to Julian.

You'e not gonna speak to Julian, Michael.

- Yes I am. - About what?

I need to speak to him about,

How goes it Sheriff?

I was thinking of making a visit,

little bit later on today.

How's your deputy brother?

Yeah, why didn't Michael come in?

Tell him I got some free pie, he doesn't

have to sit out there in the heat.

Yes, he does.

But thank you Myrna, I'll tell him.

Problems with your deputy brother?

Nothin' I can't handle.

Thank you Mynra.

You're welcome again,

let me get you some utensils.

Okay

My dad told me that you two never got along

when you were making your movies up here.

He was right.

Now you and me are in bed together, who knew?

Kinda awkward, don'tcha think?

I never saw any of your movies, not one.

I don't watch horror movies.

Why is that?

Well, because I think that they suck.

Okey dokey.

Oh, I uh,

haven't really said it but I'm sorry about your dad.

To Ray, fuck cancer.

Look, look, the only reason that I am even

agreeing to do this,

is because my father gave his life

for this cum stain of a town

and while you were here and you're off making

your movies and getting rich and everything

all he got was a pat on the back and a gold watch

after 50 years of service, while cancer ate his stomach.

There goes my appetite.

Look, it ain't gonna happen to you.

All you gotta do is learn to play the game.

All you gotta do.

So much for reality TV.

There's no such thing as reality TV.

It's all plotted out down to the last detail.

Unlike our reality, Donyln.

So, tell me about these kids you've got comin' up here,

anything I need to know about?

They're not kids, they're in their 20's at least

and I told ya everything.

So, you really like playin' sheriff?

How bad does it have to be when you've gotta

do what you're doing just to go back to the well?

Hell of a question.

Life's been a bitch to both of us, Julian.

I guess so, baby.

Cheers.

So what's that for then?

To getting out of this town.

Hey, Myrna, I need some more coffee.

Sure.

Hey, it's good to finally see you again, John.

So what's going on, Julian?

Flight was good?

Well, first time I ever flew first class

in this miserable career.

Same old John.

Good to see you pal.

Let me show you around.

My God.

Place hasn't changed since the 80's.

Got Reagan stashed here somewhere?

Yeah he's dead but, I'm still bangin' handsome.

That old cable station owed me a favor.

Techs laid out three dozen cameras

in a two mile perimeter.

Pinhole cams get hooked on to the contestants.

Where's the crew?

Hey pal, you're lookin' at the crew.

When's Rachel get in?

Soon.

Yet the contestants oughta be here ahead of her.

Yeah, Julian, we gotta talk about these contestants.

I have some pretty big concerns.

Ah, let's wait for Rachel.

They think they're coming to some kinda

outward bound program, right?

Well they are.

It's gonna build self esteem,

Oh, Jesus, please don't start with that bullshit.

Look, these are troubled kids.

They need real counselors.

Licensed therapists.

You got me and Rachel, so unless I'm missin' something,

Rachel went back to school and became a counselor.

And me?

Still haven't said why I'm here.

And do they know that this is being pitched

as a reality show?

It serves the storyboard for Summer Camp

remake no matter what.

Hey, I'll tell 'em.

So let me get this straight, you plan a remake

of a film that you have no funding for

based on a fake counseling camp

as a reality show for a shot for shot template?

Sounds pretty shitty when you say it like that.

You don't need me for this.

Oh, come here.

Look what I found.

Check this out.

No Julian! We're not doing another take.

She's been in the water for three fucking hours

she's freezing.

You're such a douchebag, turn the fucking camera off,

turn the fucking camera off.

So you fly me halfway across the country

to bitch slap me with karma?

That's funny.

Does anybody want anything to drink?

Tomato juice.

I'll go pay.

Pump that gas hole.

You a top, bottom, or curious?

Oh no, no, no.

The camp's got a tab here.

And a computer, there's no internet out there.

Really?

How'd you know I was with the camp?

Are you kiddin' me?

You're basically the only folks under 60 round here.

Yo, Adrienne.

So, we got shipped off to fucking camp.

I just hope it turns out to be

a fucking camp.

Ya know what I mean?

Just admit, you're gay.

You don't say shit to me from the airport to here?

And now you fuck with me?

Oh, am I fucking with you?

Maybe you just wanna fuck me.

Faggot, please.

Say it again.

You're so pretty, fucking you would make me a dyke.

This is the actual camp they used in those

summer camp movies, that's awesome.

Think that other group is here?

Wonder what they're like.

Can't be anymore fucked up than us.