Two Heads Creek

(On TV) It's difficult news for John to take in

but the DNA test confirms that his biological mother

is indeed Jean-Marie Claude a Parisian dentist

who murdered her husband in cold blood.

(On TV) It's horrifying, to think all this time

I've been French.

(On TV) As John looks out to the horizon

he must question whether he wants to go on

with his journey.

Will meeting his mother give him the answers

he's always wanted

or will she be the very nightmare

we all know French people to be?

Shit.

This is a long-distance call from Australia.

Hello?

(On phone) Who... Who's this?

Where's Gabriella?

Tell her it's Mary Pearce and I've almost got the money.

When did you make your order?

Because we're having a bit of a sausage crisis lately.

(On phone) Who are you?

Norman, her son.

(On phone) Normie?

And you still live at home?

Bloody hell.

(Tell Him I'm Not Home by Chuck Jackson playing)

Just a minute!

- (Machine whirring) - Oh, shit!

Ohh!

Prick.

What'd you say?

You're a Polish prick with a baby's dick.

Right.

Send my best to your mother, Rachel.

Please, just fuck off!

So it's an unpaid student film

and you want me to get a tit out?

I'll think about it.

(Zdrowas Badz Maryja by Józef Surzynski playing)

Couldn't find a church?

It's traditional to do the wake at home in Poland.

Not that you'd know.

And is it traditional to put the coffin by the meat freeze?

Well, I couldn't get it up the stairs

and I thought she'd stay fresher here.

Who did her make-up?

Liza Minnelli?

Annabelle?

Oh!

Hello!

You what?

Oh, she must have seen your advert.

The stool softener.

Oh yes.

Well, it pays the bills.

She's wondering whether they made you

take the pills,

because you've lost a lot of weight.

You used to be a bit bigger.

- Really, really... - Yes, I get the picture.

You big, big.

Well I'm a vegan now, actually.

It's far more salubrious.

Mum would have been so proud.

She loved us both as if we were here own.

What does that mean?

Keep. Charity shop.

Discard.

What are you doing?

This... this was her favourite record.

Why is Mr Mateusz in here?

Mr Mateusz is disgusting.

Well what is it, a rat?

He is a bear.

This has still got her hair on it.

Who are the Twits?

They're our great-grandparents.

Bogumil and Bogumila.

On their wedding day.

You know that Mum traced our family line

all the way back to King Casimir the Great.

Oh, great!

It wouldn't kill you to take a bit more of an interest

in where you come from.

Would I get to inherit the family business, then?

You left to pursue your own career.

No I ran away, actually.

Mum drove you to the station.

You were always the favourite.

That's not fair.

Well why do you think she sent you to a private school,

while I had to slum it in state?

You were expelled from that school

for making a headmaster cry.

My little angel Norman

with his bright, blonde lesbian hair.

You were always going to get everything, weren't you?

I stayed, Anna,

because family means something to me.

And why is it lesbian hair?

Anna?

Anna?

"She loved us as if we were her own."

Because we weren't.

This is our real mother.

Mary Pearce.

Is that?

Yup.

Did you do this?

Don't anger them.

Anna.

I asked you a question, bitch.

It's called acting, darling.

I just knew I was adopted.

So this Mary.

She made a deal with Gabriella, did she?

Something about money.

Well, I'll look up flights, but you're paying.

I couldn't even afford a proper funeral, Anna.

Well you could.

- If you sold the butcher's. - (Scoffs)

Norman.

Mum put everything into this place, Anna.

She's not our Mum!

She's been lying to us.

There's no Bogmila, no Bogmula,

- no King Calamari. - It's Casimir.

Norman, look.

I am your older sister.

By two and a half minutes.

Which makes you...

The parasitic twin.

Yes, I know.

So I can be honest with you.

And honestly, you are though mildly endearing

a completely useless human being.

You don't belong here.

You're not a butcher.

You can't butch.

You can't cook.

You... you can't clean.

But you're finally freeto find out who you really are.

Now are you going to snub that opportunity

to spend the rest of your life rubbing chicken breasts

together in Slough?

Piss off back to Poland!

What did Gabriella used to say when we used to go to church?

Family goes...

Razem.

Together.

So, you coming or not?

Okay.

You're paying.

Razem.

Anna.

- Anna! What?

What? What is it now?

This... this place, Two Heads Creek.