Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

The coffee guy was...

Assaulting your head?

- What is going on up there? - Is it bad?

Before I answer

that question,

do you currently have

a knife on you?

- Yeah, several. - Then I love it.

It really... is hair.

It's bad, Rosa.

You look like Edna

from "The Incredibles."

I'm sorry, don't stab me.

My girlfriend Jocelyn's

been practicing

- a bunch of different hairstyles - on me.

She's in cosmetology school.

Is she... passing?

Honestly, I don't know.

- Well, let's get into - this murder.

I'm hoping it's a dope one.

Mamma mia.

That's a bloody pizza pie.

No, it's okay.

- I can say that. - I'm half Italian.

That's not the problem

I had with it.

Detectives. The vacuum

was running when we got here.

Smeared blood

across the entire apartment.

Is this dope enough for you?

- I mean, - it's a bloody robot, Rosa.

It's clearly a good start,

but it's gonna take

- more than that - to be certified as dope.

Who's the vic?

Name is Andrew Adams.

- Kind of a boring name. - Not dope.

- He's an investigative - reporter.

Dope.

What was he investigating?

Chicken farming.

- Sharp turn away - from dopeness,

But who found the body?

His boss called the cops

when he didn't show up to work,

- so he was found - by Officer Darrell.

Officer Darrell? You are

seriously undoping this.

You got anything else

for me? Jen?

The apartment was locked

from the inside.

Mysterious. Dope.

And the alarm system

was still armed.

- Dope, dope, dope, dope. - So hard to solve.

Any surveillance cameras?

Oh, yeah.

Tons of 'em. We checked 'em.

It's too easy.

- But no one was seen - going in or out.

So whoever did this

was a ghost.

Yes! A ghost!

Oh! I officially declare

this case... dope!

Whoo! I love the first

walkthrough of a crime scene.

It's kind of like arriving

at summer camp,

- except the lake - is full of blood

And your bunk mate is dead.

- I think I might be bad - at metaphors.

So after Adams comes home

from work,

the only person

who even approaches

- his doorway - is this delivery guy?

Yeah, but he never enters

the apartment.

Hey, Rosa. Check it out.

Triple digies!

There's so much evidence,

we hit triple digies.

Cool.

Cool indeed.

But you know what's not cool?

Our vic ordered his dinner

from House of Lettuce.

There's no way this guy knew

he was gonna die.

No one would want lettuce

as their last meal.

For example, my last meal...

is gon'st to be Sour Straws.

You just keep those

in your pocket?

We face death every day.

I got to be prepared to go out

on my own terms.

- I can't even think - about eating.

Smells like the brim

of Scully's hat in here.

That's the heat wave.

It sped up body decomp.

I guess you could say

this mystery

is straight outta decomp...

...ton.

No. Who are you?

I'm Franco McCoy.

I'm running CSI and forensics.

You two must be detectives.

- I can tell because you look - pretty buttoned up.

We're both wearing

leather jackets.

- And I won this hoodie - for eating a big pizza.

Just do me a favor.

- Don't turn into a star humper - around me or my squad,

Because they make TV shows

about us sometimes.

What? They make shows

about us all the time.

- Name one. - "Law and Order."

Never heard of it.

"NYPD Blue."

- Nope. - "Miami Vice."

- Nah. - "Hill Street Blues."

- Pass. - "The Wire."

Sounds dumb.

"Rizzoli & Isles."

Okay. That's a good one.

All right, if the heat

is causing the smell,

- why don't we just turn on - the air conditioning...

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - That kind of air flow

Is gonna kick up

all kinds of dust particles.

- That AC stays off, - which means the odor in here?

Only gonna get worse.

Pro tip: plug your noses.

Had this little bad boy

custom-made 3-D printed

to fit these sweet nosters.

Are you trying

to abbreviate "nostrils"?

In CSI, we don't try.

We do, son.

Okay. Well, it's been

sort of okay meeting you.

We're gonna turn our backs

and ignore you now.

Hey, Jake.

You know what it's time for?

I sure do.

Jake and Rosa's

first impressions.

Cast-off pattern

on the far wall

- suggests upward - knife slices. Jake?

- Wounds on the vic's back - means

He didn't see

the killer coming. Rosa?

Laptop, wallet, keys

all in plain sight.

No sign of forced entry.

- Doesn't connote - a robbery. Jake?

- But it does connote - that our killer

Was waiting for Adams

in the apartment.

- Did I just use the word - "connote" correctly?

- You did. - Great.

Will you text that to Amy?

I don't want to say what using

good vocabulary gets me.

- Okay. - Sexual intercourse.

Gross.

What? We're adults.

I'm his mother!

Let me in!

Rock-paper-scissors

for who has to talk

to the vic's mom.

Deal.

It's a game of chance.

How do you always win?

You always pick paper.

That is not true.

Here, go again.

One more time.

All right, one more time.

- One more time. - One more time.

One more time.

All right, one more time.

One more time.

God, this reverse psychology

is a bust!