Oh. What. Fun.

Oh, it's cold! I need to pee.

Oh, golly gee.

I'll be right back!

- - Please stop.

That's your sister! Look.

Don't punch your sister.

-Please stop! -

All three of you are gonna get in so much trouble.

Hold on.

Hi. Can I help you?

Hi. Do you mind

-if I have a word with your kids? -

Uh, sure.

Okay, kids, I couldn't help but notice

that your mommy here is trying very hard to keep you happy,

and I just wanted to say that, um, you really should be nicer to her.

Okay?

-Because someday she's going to be dead. -

Merry Christmas.

Oh, don't look at me like that.

Scrooge gets famous for being grumpy around the holidays,

and I'm not entitled to one little outburst?

-Bye. -Come to think of it,

where are the holiday movies about moms?

I can name a dozen about men, easy.

There's Christmas Vacation, It's a Wonderful Life,

The Santa Clause, Home Alone, Elf,

this one, that one, that guy, this guy,

him, them.

Heck, Steve Martin is some kind of hero

because he spends a few days trying to get home

in Planes, Trains and Automobiles.

And what does his beautiful wife get?

You know, the woman at home who's been taking care of the kids,

cooking and cleaning.

Around 89 seconds of screen time.

They need to make a movie about the true heroes of the holidays:

moms.

I was all prepared for my favorite holiday, Christmas.

-I'd been planning it since January 1st... -

...and I was watching my number one TV program, Zazzy Tims.

And, folks, stay right here, because after the break,

we'll be joined by Chef Emeril Lagasse,

and he's gonna tell us how to cook a beautiful Christmas turkey

with a little Cajun twist.

- -Bam! Oh, and don't forget,

the annual Zazzy Tims Holiday Mom Contest is upon us.

And you've got one day left to nominate your very own holiday mom

to win an all expenses paid Christmas trip out to Burbank to be a guest on my show.

It's your chance to show your mom

how special she is.

So get those applications in before it's too late.

I don't need this.

-Hey, hon. -Hey.

Oh, my God, you're just starting that?

Honey, it's gonna take me 45 minutes to an hour tops to build this thing, okay?

And Ben and Lucy are gonna love it.

That's a lot of parts. Good luck.

- -So I'm gonna run errands.

-You need anything? -Nope, I'm good.

Just drive safe.

Hey, the kids haven't mentioned the, um, Zazzy contest to you, have they?

Because I've sent them messages about it.

Um, I definitely did.

Contest?

The Holiday Mom Contest?

Your kids have to submit you.

It's... it's a whole thing.

Did you... tell them to submit you?

I can't ask them to submit me.

That would be cheating.

I want them to want to submit me.

I mean, who cares? It's just a silly little contest.

It's really not that important to me.

I see it.

I see it on your face.

I suppose I could text them one more time.

Couldn't hurt.

- Channing is my oldest. -

She, her husband Doug and their twins, Lucy and Ben,

live just a few hours away in Austin.

Makes me so happy to have her close by.

She's her own woman now, but I still make an extra stop at Schultz's every year

just so she can have her pfeffernuss.

-Hello! -She loves pfeffernuss.

Hello!

Mom?

- The Christmas tree! - Dad?

- So cool. - Ding-dong.

She hasn't gotten rid of a single decoration since we were kids.

That one's mine.

Hey, don't touch the presents.

Mom?

-I'm here! -Hi, Mom.

Hello!

- Grandmama Claire! -Come here!

I have missed you two so much.

Hey, I thought I heard voices.

-Little Bean! -Oh, hey, Dad!

-Hey. -Hey. Hey!

-Hey, handsome. -Hi, beautiful.

-How are you? Thanks for having us. -I'm good.

-So happy to see you. -I'm gonna squeeze upstairs.

-Excuse me. Keep talking. -Oh, you want a hand with those bags?

-I don't need a hand. I am very-- -Let me give you a hand.

-Nope. Nick, I got it. Nick. Nick. -Yeah, come on. Especially this big one.

-It's too big for you. - You guys...

Hey, you guys haven't heard of this show, um,

the, uh-- So You're a Dancer, have you?

-It's our favorite show. - I got it.

-Here we go. Come on. - I am so relieved,

-because I have been wondering... -

...what to do with all these tickets that are burning a hole in my pocket

for the So You're a Dancer Holiday Tour,

coming to Houston tomorrow, and we are all going!

Yay!

Here you go, pal. All set?

-Thank you so much. Appreciate it. -All right.

-Thank you. -You got it from here?

Got it from here. I'll take it.

Hey, did anyone find Barnaby?

Who's Barnaby?

Barnaby is the Elf on the Shelf

who is hiding somewhere in or around this very house.

And at night, he flies back to the North Pole and reports back to Santa

on who's being naughty or nice.

Yeah, we-we know how it works, Mom.

We have an elf at home, too.

His name is Sneaky Pete.

Ew, Sneaky Pete?

That's so creepy.

Yeah. Sneaky is creepy.

Okay. Go, go, go, go, go!

-He's hidden very well. -Come on, guys, let's check downstairs

and see if he's down there. Come on!

-And you better hurry. -Let's see if we can find him.

- Yay! -Come on.

-They're so cute. - Where is he? Where is he?

Yeah, they are.

It is so good to see you.

-Hey. -

Hot, hot, hot, hot! Watch out.

- Mmm. -

So how are you?

I'm-I'm good. Yeah, you know--

-Are you hungry? -No, I'm okay.

-We-we had some-- -Here, have some carrots.

Okay.

Oh, thanks.

Tell me everything.

My little girl, weight of the world on her shoulders.

Things are a little unhinged right now with the...

No one warns you how the older your kids get,

the harder it is to have an informed opinion about their lives.

That's so great.

No, it's-it's not... not great.

It-It's just, I've never written a murder mystery before.

It's the, it's the trickiest thing I've ever tried to plot and--

I'm sure you will do a good job. You're so smart.

I mean, you know, you just-- you'll make something up.

Oh, that reminds me, um,

I bumped into Julie Sager,

and she said you never reached out to her daughter Alyssa.

I know. I know.

'Cause it-it didn't make, it didn't make any sense what you were asking.

Alyssa writes about the stock market.

I write novels. It's totally different.

Well, okay.

Well, could you at least send her

one of those... free copies?

They're called galleys, and no, they're for trade reviewers.

How do you know she's not one?

'Cause she's not.

Candles.

You've got to smell these candles.

Mom.

That is the scent of dusk.

-No. -Uh, Zazzy Tims--

you know, Zazzy--

well, she did a whole segment on them.