Fresh Off the Boat

Mom, check it. Fresh as hell, right?

- Eddie, don't say hell. - He also said butthole in the car.

Shut up, Evan, you little Chinese narc!

- Isn't that necklace heavy? - Life's heavy, son.

- Please, Mom, can I get this? - How much?

Too much.

Moms thought everything was too much.

She never understood that you couldn't haggle at JCPenney.

It's like, "Those are set prices, Mom."

My family was moving from Washington, DC, to Orlando, Florida.

I was 11 years old, and it was 1995.

This is the story of my family, an American family, the Huangs.

That's my dad. He loved everything about America.

Full-on bought into the American dream.

Moms was always hard on me, way before all that "tiger mom" stuff.

She thought I was trying to cause trouble wearing that Nas shirt...

but she didn't understand.

If you were an outsider, hip-hop was your anthem.

And I was definitely the black sheep in my family.

These other people are Emery, Evan and Grandma. Whatever.

Was I excited about the move? No.

Did anyone ask me if I was excited? Hell, no.

Turn off the music!

Eddie, I know you're not excited to leave DC...

but you're gonna love Orlando.

I've been there for six months setting up the restaurant...

and I've grown to love it like the daughter we wished Evan had been.

- Hmm? - I don't know why we have to move.

Why couldn't you keep on going back and forth between Orlando and DC?

Because I didn't come to America...

to work for your mom's brother selling furniture for the rest of my life.

Your father is right.

This is why we left Chinatown in DC.

This is why we left our family and friends.

Exactly.

This is why we left everything we know...

to come to a place where we know nothing...

and where the humidity is not good for my hair.

- Right, okay. - And for what?

So your father can own a cowboy restaurant.

It's called Cattleman's Ranch Steakhouse.

And I can't wait for you all to see it. It is beautiful.

It is big, brown and beautiful.

- Like Shaq? - Exactly. Like Shaq.

Why you like Shaq so much?

Why you not like Pete Sampras?

So sexy. All that hair.

He's okay.

Oh, your favorite song.

- Lot of white folks here. - Not like back in DC.

Yeah. The only white people we ever saw there were the tourists who got lost.

White... House.

Are you boys just gonna sit there or pick up a box and help?

Mom, is there a Chinatown in Orlando?

Hey, no more question, Barbara Walters. Pick up a lamp.

Well, hi. Welcome to the neighborhood.

I'm Deidre. This is Amanda. This is Samantha. This is Lisa. This is Carol-Joan.

- Welcome. - Thank you. I'm Jessica.

Oh. I was expecting something a little more exotic, but I love the name Jessica.

Had a sorority sister with that name. She died in a horrible riptide accident.

But we dedicated a section of the highway to her. Anyway, where you guys from?

My parents were born in Taiwan, but my brothers and I were born in DC.

Oh! Your English is very good!

Are you all sister?

Anyhoo...

Well, we've got to motor, but we go rollerblading every day...

so if you ever want to join us, just give us a holler.

Come on.

The loudest one seem to be their queen.

So, who's hungry?

The cactuses were planted in old spittoons.

I wanted it to be authentic, you know, like the real Wild West.

The waiters used to wear spurs, but they were right at Achilles level...

so we had to switch to the black Reeboks.

- Right, Nancy? - I got sliced up pretty bad.

She did.

Dude, where the hell are we?

- I don't think Shaq eats here. - Were there bears in the Old West?

Where are all the customer?

Technically, we are still in our soft opening, so...

Louis, there is hardly anyone here, and that table is only drinking water.

Hey, why you not drink beer?

The restaurant is doing well, okay?

- Just not as well as it could be. - Why didn't you tell me?

Because I didn't want to give you another reason not to move here.

I just have to figure out why the people aren't coming.

- Maybe it's the food. - It's not the food.

The food is perfect. Hector's a genius.

- Can I sit next to you on the bus? - Sure, if you want.

Me and Emery are gonna sit next to each other on our bus.

You're on a different bus because you're at a different school...

so I don't know who you'll sit next to.

Definitely not Emery though. He'll be next to me.

Oh, shut up, Evan.

Mom, why do we have to start school on a Wednesday? Why can't we wait till Monday?

Why wait? You need to go to school so you go to college so you can make lots of money.

- All you care about is money. - Do me a favor. Go find a homeless man.

Ask him if he thinks money matters. You tell me what he says.

- You're all about the eggs. - Eddie, eggs are life.

You came from my eggs.

Okay, so...

I want you all to be polite...

respectful, and don't make waves.

- Why you only looking at me? - No, I'm talking to all of you.

Dude, you were looking right at me.

Okay, I was talking to you.

Why do all your shirts have black men on them?

It's Notorious B.I.G.!

Me and him are both dudes with mad dreams...

just trying to get a little bit of respect in the game, just trying to get a nut.

- Jessica, I figured it out. - Dad, how come we have to start school on a Wednesday?

That's a great question. Go to school. Go, go, go, go.

- - I was blow-drying my hair, and I figured it out...

- How the restaurant can attract bigger crowds. - Well, how?

I need to hire a white host.

Instead of people coming in and seeing a Chinese face and saying, "Huh?

I thought this was an Old West steakhouse"...

they see a white face and say, "Oh, hello, white friend. I am comfortable."

See? Exactly. Not welcoming.

That's why no to your face and yes to the white face!

Nice, happy white face, like Bill Pullman.

- - Class, I'd like to introduce you to a new student.

I know it's a little unorthodox being a Wednesday and all...

but I'd like you all to give a warm, Abraham Lincoln Middle School welcome to...

"Hung-ge Yi Minge."

- Yeah, call me Eddie. - Oh, thank God.

Ripped By mstoll

- What's up? Cool if I sit? - No.

Fine, but don't try to talk to me. I don't like kids.

My best friend is a 40-year-old man.

Yo. Yo, Chinese kid.

What's your name again? Something Chinese?

My name's Eddie.

Eddie?

- You into B. I. G? - Yeah, man. He's sick.

I bought Ready to Die the day it came out.

You bought it? I stole it.

- Yo, come sit with us. - Yeah?

Okay, man. Cool.

A white dude and an Asian dude bonding over a black dude.

This cafeteria's ridiculous.

- Whassup? I'm Eddie. - What's up? - Hey, dude.

- Hi. - Hey. What's up, man?

So my cousin told me about B.I.G...

when I went to visit him last summer, and he...

- Oh! What is that? Gross! - It smells!

- It's Chinese food. My mom made it. - Get it out of here!

- Oh, my God! - Ying Ming's eating worms.

Go, go! Oh! Get that out of here.

Go! Dude, that smells nasty!

Oh, it didn't go well?

The white people didn't welcome you with open arms?

What?

Sit elsewhere, B.I.G.

Oh, I cannot believe Jake slept with Brittany.

He knew Palmer Woodward was using her as part of a plot to destroy him...

and help Amanda take controlling interest of Melrose Place.

- Right, Jessica? - Yes.

All those white people sound like they are making mistake.

Oh, the school bus is here!

I should go see how my boys' day was.

Okay, sugar. Bye. I'm making you a mixtape.

I hope you like Eric Clapton.

Thank you.

Hey! So, how was your first...

- They said my lunch smelled! - It smelled delicious.

No, they said it stank, Mom!

I had to eat behind the gym where the janitor flies his kite.

This is nice.

Well, those kids, they just don't know, that's all.

It just... It just take time to get used to something different.

I hate it here. I want to go back to DC.

Eddie, that's not possible. We are here now. We have to make the best of it.

Like I am doing with these neighborhood women.

You think I like pretending Samantha isn't carrying a baggie of dog poops in her hand?

No! I don't like this!

We all see the poops there! It's rolling around!

- But I am trying. You have to try too. - You're never on my side.

Eddie. Eddie, wait!

Hey, Mom.

- This is my girlfriend, Kim. - Hi, Mrs. Huang.

- I'm gonna walk her home, okay? - Bye, Mrs. Huang.

Mom.

There's a fat kid at school named J.J...

and he's hilarious.

Help Mommy.

- Comic Sans. That's a funny font. - Thank you.

It's a great résumé.

Yeah, I've always wanted to work at a Golden Saddle.