Forces of Nature

It's a great pleasure--

It's a great pleasure to have all of you here today.

I thought you all might begin your tour here.

I really didn't want a bachelor party in the first place.

I'll tell you why. It's not that I'm against tradition.

There's just something bizarre about having a strange, naked woman...

dance around me while my friends yell out,

"Go for it, Ben.

Last night of freedom, Ben."

Last night of freedom for what?

Which is what I told my best friend Alan.

I didn't want any strippers. I didn't wanna get lucky.

I was lucky enough just getting married.

All right. Quiet!

Guys!

All right. I'm not payin' for that. It already was chipped.

We're here to, uh, wish Ben good luck and good riddance

as he heads down that rocky path to matrimony.

And, uh, hey, you know what.

Ben's dad Richard and his grandpa Max are here. Where are you guys?

Those guys...watch out. You guys gotta pace yourselves.

Knowing Ben, I'd have to say that he's probably,

uh, one of the most loyal guys that I've ever met, Like a dog!

and, uh, monogamous.

And so this is probably gonna be the last time

that you're gonna spend in a room with your friends

and a n-n-naked woman

other than your wife, man!

So you can close your eyes if you want to. Close 'em!

But then you're gonna be missin' Juanita, the bull tamer!

You don't have to do this.

You really don't have to do this.

Very nice.

Olé!

Pop?

Pop?

Pop? Max?

Call 911.

How did this happen? Hmm?

What's the difference how it happened?

It happened. I wanna know how it happened.

It makes a difference to me.

All of a sudden he has a heart attack out of no place?

Mom, can we please not talk about this now?

What don't you want to talk about?

Mrs. Holmes, if it's any consolation, he was having a really good time.

Alan, shut up. Okay.

Come into the hall. What is in the hall?

A vending machine. Come on, butchki.

Who's hungry? I'm buying. All hours of the night...

This is insane.

He probably just ate some spicy food.

It was spicy, all right, but it wasn't food.

Butchki! What?

Richard, you are the silliest old fart.

Grandpa, what came over you?

Hmm?

Hey. Ben.

You all right? Ben.

She was the most beautiful woman I ever saw.

What about Nana?

Did you ever take a good look at your grandmother?

Woman looked like Tolstoy.

I was never attracted to her.

Oh, maybe in the beginning,

because she was the only woman I'd ever been with.

Well, you know, that's great. That's, uh...that's loyalty.

Loyalty? It's fear.

Did you ever feel her arms, her...

Oh, Ben, I used to dream about other women.

What it would be like to hold them and to...

Okay. Touch them and to...

That's-- ...smell them.

Grandma smelled. She had a very distinct smell. It was a--

Ben. Ben.

Listen to me.

Don't tie yourself down.

Even if you love a woman, it fades.

Marriage is a prison.

Ben!

Could I help you out? Here we go.

You just passed my room. Sorry.

Feel better.

Hi.

Hi, sweetie. Honey.

Oh, why does everything feel so much better now that you're here?

How's he doing? He's stable.

You know, physically, at least. Great.

What happened?

What do you expect? He's an 80-year-old man with high blood pressure

and a naked balloon-popping toreador is a rough combination.

It didn't pan out. It's not funny. It's not funny.

Be serious. There's something I want to do.

Okay. Why? I wanna be able to remember this moment in 30 or 40 years.

Think my next husband will get a kick out of it.

Oh, that's nice. Okay.

It's the night before I am flying down to Savannah for our wedding alone,

because Ben's grandfather, who we will now refer to as Larry Flynt,

has partied himself into intensive care.

What do you have to say?

Put the video camera away.

No, no, no, honey, you're not going to get off that easy.

No, I'm saving it for my vows.

I have already finished my vows.

What's in 'em?

You know why? Because it's easy for you. I'm a writer.

Oh, really? I can't just slap something down on paper like you do.

Ben, listen.

You don't have to be brilliant...

or witty or clever or polite even.

Just have to be honest.

Come on. Say something. What are you feeling?

Are you nervous? Are you happy? Are you scared?

Am I scared? What would I be scared of?

I'm scared. You are? Why? Now you're making me scared.

Because it's a big thing. It's our marriage. It's the rest of our lives.

It's...it's scary.

I know. I'm not scared.

The only thing we have to fear... Yeah?

...is this video camera. Hey! Come on! Just say a few words for posterity.

*What, what, what

* .What, what

* .Follow me to the scene What *

Really? You think I can rent shoes down there?

I can't believe I forgot my shoes.

I hear they have shoes in Savannah now. The whole South has 'em.

All right. Wedding dress. Check.

Check for the minister. Check.

Valium for Bridget's mother. Check.

Ball and chain for you. Check. Not listening to you. Check.

Here, look. Here you go. Thanks.

This is your present, okay? It's a book of quotes.

I crossed out the ones I'm gonna use in my toast. Listen.

"To say that you can love one person all your life

is like saying that one candle will continue to burn as long as you live."

Think about that for a minute. I will. That's profound.

This is used.

I forgot the rings.

That's not funny. No, don't do that.

I forgot the rings, so--

Come on, man! No!

Relax. I'll catch the next plane.

Son of a bitch!

I'll see ya in Savannah. Hey, I need to go to the city.

New York! New York City! No, I can't.

Don't take the Van Wyck though.

Hurricane Amanda is headed for the Southeast coastline.

The eye of the hurricane is presently located 200 miles

east of South Carolina and Savannah, Georgia.

North, northwest...

Excuse me, folks.

Just the line's movin' forward.

No. Well, I love you.

I love you more.

No, I love you more.

No, you more.

No, I love you more.

Okay, I have to go, because I just made another passenger nauseous.

Okay?

That's my fiancée.

Goin' down to get married, so we're a little--

Oh! Jack Bealy, Snap-On Tools.

Ben Holmes, scared of flyin'.

Yeah, I was married once. Yeah?

To me marriage is just one big lie.

You don't say.

In the morning I had to say, "Don't be silly, honey.

Your breath is fine. You smell like a rose."

Then I had to say, "No, honey.

"I never noticed that 18-year-old girl

"with the fantastic body and halter top that delivers our newspaper.

"She can't hold a candle to you

and the 30 pounds you've put on since we stopped having sex."

So when's the wedding day?

May cancel it. I may have to call back.

I didn't mean to throw a wet towel on ya with my whole marital disaster tirade.

It's all right. It was a nice story actually. It was very touching.

Nice girl? Very nice.

I just happen to have a picture of her right here.

Wow, what a knockout. Yeah, she's beautiful.

Oh, baby, come to Daddy. Well, take it easy, Jack.

What I wouldn't give for an ass like that.

Huh? Here we go. Hi.

This is me. Really?

Well, this is your lucky day, sweetheart.

We got just about enough room for one of you, darlin'.

Must be destiny, huh?

Careful.

Okay.

Excuse me. Yeah.

Sorry. Hmm?

I was reading what you were writing. My eye just kind of wandered over. Sorry.

Do you work for Hallmark?

Even if I had seen you looking at it, that wouldn't bother me.

Well, I don't care either.

I'm absolutely fascinated you can't admit you saw me reading it.

If I had seen you reading it, I'd be perfectly happy to admit it.

Then why did you close your computer?

I'm known to do that from time to time.

I'm a rebel. I'll open it, then I'll close it again just like that.