What We Do in the Shadows

Fosse/Verdon. All new, Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.

FX presents What We Do in the Shadows.

It's nightfall.

The job of a vampire's familiar

is not an easy one.

It's very dangerous.

I mean, they are vampires, after all.

We can go in now.

Good evening, Master.

Guillermo?

Yes, sir?

-Is that you? -Yes, Master.

-Okay. -Okay, Master.

It's time to... rise.

The... Okay.

Guillermo, it is stuck.

I think it is the latch.

Being a vampire's familiar

is like being a best friend.

Who-Who's also a slave.

Guillermo, it's too loud.-What?

Tomorrow night marks

the ten-year anniversary since

I started working for my Master.

I think he's planning something pretty special.

: I think he's gonna make me a vampire.

This is very embarrassing.

Okay, Master.

He awakens.

Very cool, Master.

Very scary.

Thank you.

Everyone?

Nadja, Laszlo.

-Yeah? -Yes? -Can you come downstairs

for a second, please?

Thank you, Laszlo.

In your own time, Nadja.

Yes, good, excellent.

So, listen.

We have received a letter

and I would like very much to read it to you.

-But not here, we want to go into the library. -Why not here?

I'd like to read it in there. It's just a formality.

It'll sound exactly the same if you

read it here than if you read it in there.

I'm not going to disagree with you, but that's not the point.

I was a very ferocious soldier

in the Ottoman Empire.

Which meant a lot of killing, lot of pillaging.

People would say, "Please, don't pillage me."

And I would say, "No.

I'm pillaging everyone, you included."

I was relentless.

They would call me Nandor

the Relentless.

Because I just never relent.

So I'd like very much for us to go into there, please.

Just a formality.

Come on, please, it's just a formality.

You could have read it by now.-Hmm.

Just a formality, okay? Look, it's not even that far.

-Oh, fuck this, fine. -Thank you, Laszlo.

It's just a formality, please, Nadja.

Just a formality, thank you.

Guillermo, the door.

That wasn't so bad, was it?

Now before we go into the reading of the letter,

I wanted to talk about general hygiene in the cell.

Last night,

there were all these people down there,

shouting and screaming, half-drunk.

Where did they find the alcohol?

No, they were half-drunk. They'd been half drunk.

-Oh. -Please, finish a whole victim

before moving on to a next one, okay?

It's very unhygienic.

I think I know who's leaving them down there,

but I don't want to say.-If you've got something to say,

-then damn well say it. -It's not hygienic.

How dare you.

The problems with living with other vampires

are the vampires I have chosen to stay with.

Nandor is like

a big turkey just walking around

trying to control everything on the farm.

Hyah!

And Laszlo is my big, crazy,

wild bear and we love to chase each other around the house.

I ought to fucking kill you!

We have a great time together.

I was the most handsome man

in our village.

His village was very badly affected

by leprosy and the plague.

That's true.

And I, myself, did contract leprosy,

but I was quite lucky 'cause it couldn't be seen.

It was only one part of my anatomy.

Well, I can see it.

Anyway, one night,

I was awoken by this...

horrible clawing at the window.

And I thought, "Who the hell is that?

'Cause I live on the third floor."

So I went to investigate it, I threw back the curtain...

Well, I saw the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.

But she was gripping the window

and she was clawing at the glass.

I was hypnotized.

I used hypnosis on him.

Which I found out later.

Anyway, obviously I invited her in.

We were about to make love

when she turned into this hideous, leathery bat thing.

She drained me of my blood,

giving me the curse of eternal life

and thus making me a bloodthirsty

creature of the night.

Why don't we just write on them with marker pen?

Put our names and the date?

Oh, that's a good suggestion.

Yeah. -Good idea, Nadja.

Marker pens, Guillermo.

Make sure they're permanent.

-Sharpie. Genius.

With date, as well. -Yes, great thinking, Nadja.

-And yes, this... yes. -The name of the month, day, year.

Okay.

And now we come...

to the reading... of the letter.

At last.

Guillermo? Close the door.

-The door's closed, Master. -Close it more.

More.

Good.

-Now that we are gathered here...

together as one, finally,

in accordance with the protocols...

Which you made up.

Yes.

We have received this letter.

From Baron... Afanas.

Really?

Yes.

How do you...

Like that. -Shh.

The Baron...

...is coming to visit us.

Holy shit.

Silence, Guillermo.

Vampire comments only.

The Baron never leaves the old country.

Has he told us what the purposeof his visit is?

Uh...

No.

The Baron is a firm believer

that vampires should rule the world.

I think the main purpose for the Baron's visit

is to find out whether we as vampires

have populated America.

But as you can see,

the place is fucking massive.

When is he coming, exactly?

-Tomorrow. -Shit.

Why didn't you give this to me earlier?

It arrived this morning, Master.

Baron Afanas is...

a very charming member of the vampire royalty.

A few hundred years ago,

we enjoyed a very intense, very long sexual affair.

It was pretty wild.

Lots of acrobatic stuff.

This could make it awkward,

to see him with Laszlo...

present.

Just between you and I,

a while back, the Baron and I

enjoyed a very intense sex affair.

Very animalistic.

Acrobatic stuff, you might say.

So I, personally,

am very much looking forward to reconnecting.

We should get a chariot led by

12 black alligators.

-I like that. -That's a lot of alligators,

a lot of paint.

What about a van?

A van?

That's not the same, is it?

Can you at least make sure it's black?

Yeah. Black van for tomorrow?

Excellent. Uh, what about the Baron's bloodlust?

-Virgins. -Oh, yes, let's do that.

Guillermo, two virgins by tomorrow evening.

Yes, when the Baron arrives

we shall feast on virgin blood.

Vampire only laughing.

Should we tell Colin Robinson?-Laszlo,

that is a terrible idea.