Family Guy

¶ It seems today that all you see ¶

¶ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ¶

¶ But where are those good old-fashioned values ¶

¶ On which we used to rely? ¶

¶ Lucky there's a family guy ¶

¶ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ¶

¶ All the things that make us ¶

¶ Laugh and cry ¶

¶ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ¶

All right. Empty school.

Time to Shining my way through the halls.

Principal Shepherd, where is everyone?!

Principal Shepherd's not here,

Miss Griffin.

Why are you talking like that?

Sorry. That was Tony,

the little boy who lives in my mouth.

Why are you here? It's skip day.

It's skip day? Nobody told me.

She's unpopular and unattractive.

Tony!

Hello?! Chris?

Did you know it was skip day?

Mom? Dad?

Hello?

Mom? Where are you guys?

Who is this?

It's Meg. Where is everyone?

Well, this can't be Meg. She's with us here at the pier.

-Who is that? -Someone who says she's Meg.

Give me that.

Okay, Meg, if this is you, what's your birthday?

March 23.

I have no idea if that's correct.

Good day, sir.

Sorry about that, everyone.

Now let's get back to the fair and enjoy our March 23.

The usual, please.

Here ya are-- ladies' seven on the left,

and men's 11 on the right.

I just need a license.

Thanks.

Oh! And happy birthday!

Yes!

We have not updated those.

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.

Coming up, I find even more sand

on my body from a beach toilet I used a week ago.

But first, tragedy strikes close to home,

as a car crash near my apartment claims the life

of a local teen girl.

The victim's identity is being withheld

pending notification of the family.

Hey, buddy.

What brings you around at this late hour with your uniform on

and your hat held mournfully against your chest?

Peter, Lois, it pains me above the waist

to tell you that Meg is dead.

-What?! -What are you talking about?

Meg's right here.

You know, it's weird that didn't happen on the pier all day.

Or when we rented that convertible.

How did this happen?!

She got in a car wreck, and was burned beyond recognition,

and I leveled up on Fortnite this weekend,

but you probably only care about the first two things.

Oh, dear God, no!

All we found was Meg's driver's license at the scene.

It had her Quiznos punch card stuck to the back.

Your little angel was one stamp away from a free sub,

which only adds to this horrific tragedy.

It's actually pretty impressive,

because the card was only issued three days ago.

Usually one of the guys would swipe a thing like this,

use it on the way home, but I snagged it for ya.

Thought Meg's family ought to be the ones

to enjoy the free sandwich.

Again, I'm very sorry.

Oh, hang on.

Oh, they told the family? Great!

The girl killed near my apartment was Meg Griffin.

What? I'm not dead!

She was burned beyond recognition

but identified by her driver's license.

156 pounds.

Yikes.

Wait. Did you give my ID to the wrong girl?

Sorry. Them shoe spray fumes made me all goofy in my head.

I'm still sober. This ain't cheatin'!

Oh, this is me being sober!

So I guess I'm dead.

And no one cares.

Again, for those of you

in a new scene: Meg Griffin dead.

Lois, can you believe these seats?

Front row!

I hope the priest pulls me up on stage and dances with me.

When I was hastily relocated to this parish a week ago,

the last thing I thought I'd have to do is

stand before you on such a sad occasion.

A family losing a child is like

a Trivial Pursuit wheel losing a pie piece.

And you have to keep reminding everyone playing the game,

"Don't forget. I already got 'Entertainment'." What a pain.

Your first speaker-- Principal Shepherd.

Meg Griffin was an honest man,

a kind man, a man who knew how...

Oh, my stars!

I have nothing.

Kind of feel bad. There's nobody here.

I know. We're not even here.

This was the right decision.

Hey, Chris, I'm super sorry your sister is dead.

Mwah.

If there's anything we can do to help you

during your time of need...

-Stamps. -What?

Stamps. I need stamps.

Okay, you got it.

Wow. Are girls coming on to me because my sister died?

Cool!

God, I wish it was Joe in that box.

I do, too, Bon.

Oh. Did I say that out loud?

No, but at this point, I know what you're thinking.

It'll be soon, babe.

Unbelievable.

There's hardly anyone here.

Ugh. Well, that's it.

I'm off to a new town to start a new life.

Ooh. Sorry.

Don't you know what a rosary on a doorknob means?!

Siri, play "Kiss From a Rose" by Seal.

I hope everyone enjoys tonight's dinner.

It... it was Meg's favorite.

There, there, Lois. Stop your crying.

Stop it.

Please stop. Stop.

Stop it. Stop crying.

Stop crying.

Stop crying. Stop.

Before we eat,

would anyone like to say something about Meg?

Okay, I feel all of you looking at me, so here goes.

Meg, wherever you are,

I hope that you're with Bubba, and I want you to know

that Lieutenant Dan is walking around...

Is this from Forrest Gump?

I miss you, Meg.

Stop it, Brian.

Stop your crying.

Stop it.

Please stop.

Stop. Stop it.

Stop crying. Stop crying.

Stop crying. Stop.

Stewie, is there anything you'd like to say?

Yeah. We're gonna save a lot of money on toilet paper.

Ever see her wipe?

She'd wrap up both hands like oven mitts

and act like she was cleaning out a pot of burnt chili.

Anyway, that's all I care to say about Meg.

Maybe we should just have a moment of silence

as we hear the guy down the street

scream at his barking dog.

Damn it, Rufus, shut up!

Will you shut up?!

Get in the house! Get in the house!

¶ This time things are gonna work out fine ¶

¶ This time will be better than previous times ¶

¶ This time is markedly different ¶

¶ Than the times we had before ¶

¶ This time is gonna be so much more! ¶

¶ Or maybe it's not. ¶

Hi, new neighbor.

I just thought I'd come by and see

if I could borrow a cup of tampons.

Sure. Just bring 'em back when you're done. No rush.

Thanks. My name's not important.

What's yours?

Um... my name?

My name is...

Hallway.

Natalie Hallway.

Nice to meet you, Natalie.

That sounds great!

I'll bring my hemorrhoid donut to sit on.

Great joke, Natalie Hallway!

Yes. It is a joke.

Because Natalie Hallway doesn't need

to sit on a hemorrhoid donut.

To Natalie Hallway, our new friend.

Natalie, sit down. Tell us about yourself.

Yow...!

What a view!

You know, Stewie, when Meg was little,

we used to love to make Christmas cookies together.

Are... are those dongs?

My God, from October to January

I don't come up for air.