Mike & Molly

skip the movie,

pull over and do it under the El tracks,

then split the Kit-Kat bar

I got in my glove box.

No, come on, I dressed up fancy.

I want to go to a nice restaurant

with good food, not one

with a playground or a mascot.

Boy, you are really tying my hands here, lady.

Oh, it's my mom again.

Probably another imaginary prowler

rooting through her underwear drawer.

She actually believes somebody would do that?

People look away when they see it

hanging on her clothesline.

- Tell her we're busy. - You tell her.

I don't want to talk to her.

I already pushed "answer""

Damn it.

Oh, your mom.

Hey, Peggy.

What?

Really?

A raccoon is loose in the attic.

That's impossible.

I put chicken wire over the chimney

when she thought the possums

were stealing her jewelry.

Hang on.

It's on the way, let's just stop by,

or she'll bug us through the whole movie.

Fine.

This better not come out of my backseat time.

I suggest you step on it.

Okay, Peggy, we're on our way.

I... hope you don't die before we get there, too.

Psh.

Took him long enough.

If I told him the house was on fire,

he'd probably stop for marshmallows and a stick.

Prepare to meet your maker you ring-tailed bastard!

Bark a couple of times, help me sell this.

Oh!

Hey, Mom. Hi, Peggy.

That raccoon's got us all spooked.

Pull out your service revolver

and turn that rodent's ass into a Davy Crockett cap.

How the heck could a raccoon get in the house?

A glass cutter and a suction cup?

What do you want from me, Columbo?

You'd think that possum wearing your pearls

- would scare it away. - I'll bet they're in cahoots.

One of them's eating my garbage

while the other one's watching me in the shower.

It's like having your own little fan club.

Mike, just-just go upstairs

and scare it away.

Be careful.

Those things got razor sharp teeth

and their spittle can give you brain worms.

Brain worms?

They crawl inside your medulla oblongata,

and the next thing you know, you're sitting under a tree

in your underwear eating packing peanuts.

Is that what happened to the neighbor lady?

Probably the same raccoon.

Poor thing's a Looney Toon.

For Halloween, she puts a colander on her head

and hands out little travel shampoos.

Just go and stomp around a little bit

so we can get out of here.

I don't mind dying alone,

but I won't have them 'coons

tearing the skin off my skull like it's a taffy apple.

I'm sure Mike'll scare it away.

In the dark, his silhouette has a very bear-like shape.

Hm.

So, where are you two headed all gussied up?

Is the Queen in town?

No, we're just gonna grab a bite and maybe catch a movie.

Oh, la-dee-da.

I can't get Mike to mow my yard,

but he's got time to trot you around town like a show pony.

We actually haven't been out in quite a while.

You know, we've both been pretty busy with work

and, you know, we're trying to start a family...

Right, right.

Maybe I'll get to hold the baby a couple of times

before my arms get chewed off by wild animals.

Well, if that happens, we'll just strap him to a Baby Bjorn

so you can still walk around with him, okay?

All right, Mom, no raccoons on the premises.

But I did see some very familiar feces up there.

Oh, why are you eyeballing Jim?

He hasn't messed in the house since he ate

that half-pound bar of baking chocolate.

Oh, been there, done that.

You ready to... Yes.

Oh, right, I forgot.

You and Madonna are going clubbing.

We're actually going to see

the new Sandra Bullock movie.

Oh, is that the one where

she turns out to be her own ghost?

Thank you.

I hate surprises.

Does this mean we can skip the movie?

No.

Would it have killed you to at least bark a couple of times,

help build the drama?

Too little, too late.

Samuel, you should've warned me that those were

particularly drippy ribs.

Perhaps.

But would my voice have been heard over the sounds

of gnashing teeth and crunching bones?

Right? When he tears into those baby backs,

it sounds like Godzilla eating Tokyo.

I probably should've given

complimentary rain ponchos to everyone sitting

in the splash zone.

Just go get me some club soda.

I think it soaked all the way through to my tee-shirt.

Well, I'm not surprised.

The only place you should eat barbecue

is naked at a car wash with a handful of quarters.

Captain. Captain.

At ease, Officers.

Biggs, may I have a word with you?

Absolutely, sir.

How'd you know where to find me?

I've been a police officer for 30 years, Biggs.

You're not exactly a hard tail.

Just follow the candy wrappers.

Carl McMillan, sir.

I met you at Mike's wedding.

Okay.

I sang a Louis Armstrong song at the reception.

"What a Wonderful World""

Wasn't a request, son.

You mind giving us a minute?

Absolutely.

I'll position myself at the counter

and, uh, maintain the perimeter.

Scan and protect.

Scan and... protect.

All day long in the car with that one, huh?

I don't even hear it anymore.

It's like living with a parrot.

Uh, listen,

if this is about this fitness reports,

believe it or not, I've lost almost 35 pounds.

Yeah, you're just a little wisp of a thing.

Is that a joke, sir?

You might make detective yet, Biggs.

Look, I wanted to talk to you about your mother.

Oh, did she insult you at my wedding?

Because I had nothing to do with the seating arrangements.

Actually, I enjoyed her company very much

and was curious if she had any...

current entanglements.

She's always feuding with the Korean guy across the street.

Nothing serious, just a few racial slurs

and an occasional turd in the mailbox.

So, no gentleman friend to speak of?

I don't think she has any friends.

The Korean guy's the only one who interacts with her at all.

In that case, would you mind inquiring if she would be open

to a dinner invitation from a firm, but fun, older gentleman?

You mean you?

You want to ask my mother out on a date?

One clue and you solved the case.

Sorry, I just don't usually get requests

from people wanting to spend more time with my mother.

I don't know why not.

She's funny, charming,

actually the first woman to spark my interest

since my wife passed away.

And this is my mom we're talking about?

Peggy Biggs?

Blue eyes, auburn hair, the legs of a June Taylor dancer.

My mom has blue eyes?

With tiny flecks of yellow.

Every time she cracks a joke, they just light up the room.

Huh.

Hang on.

I think I got a picture of her in my wallet.

Just so I know we're talking about the same woman.

You know, I saw him dancing

with her at the wedding,

but, I mean, we were all pretty drunk by then

and nobody was making good choices.

My mom dating my boss?

It's just got disaster written all over it.

Not necessarily.

I dated one of my bosses

and it worked out great.

Until his wife found out

and spray painted "Home-Wrecking Whor""

on the side of your car.