Cougar Town

Whoa!

Oh.

I almost killed a lizard.

Oh, great story. Thanks. I worked on it.

Yeah, go sit down. We're making popcorn.

It is so cool that you and Kirsten are

staying for a movie. Thanks. You said if I didn't,

you wouldn't give me money for food.

Just say, "you're welcome," dude. Jules doesn't, like,

always force everyone to hang out together, does she?

Save yourself.

I'm kidding. Oh.

Except I'm not.

Kirsten and I are in such a good place right now.

Grayson and I are really clicking, too.

We look at other couples,

and we're just like, "damn, we crush 'em," you know?

Oh, sweetie, Grayson and I are a better couple than you.

Well, this sounds like a healthy road to go down with your mom.

I'm out. Chicken!

I'm right back in. Bring it.

Grayson, pop quiz. What is my favorite food?

What makes me really sad? Who's my celebrity crush?

Veal, veal again, and Vince Vaughn.

Nailed it. Kirsten, same questions. Go.

Pizza, bad special effects,

and your celebrity crush is Megan Fox,

which is awesome, because I look just like her,

with her supertight pants and long, jet-black hair.

What?

Nothing. Nothing creepy or weird.

Well, two out of three ain't bad.

I like flatbreads, not pizza.

Yes! We win! Suck it, chumps.

Mmm.

Whatever. They're old.

How many did I really get right?

None. But you knew to lie. That's why we rock! Whoo!

Yeah, we'll grab some breakfast

just after I sink a few more putts.

So you like diet Dr Pepper, huh?

Do I like D.D.P.?

Here we go. There's two things in life that I'm sure of...

There's no such thing as too much sun

and a diet Dr Pepper is unbelievably satisfying.

Is somebody filming this?

I just got into that PGA tourney.

Those things ain't cheap. If I take on a sponsor,

it can help me with my expenses.

You got them to sponsor you?

Not yet, but I'm courtin' 'em 24/7.

You see those guys over there? One of them just might be

a diet Dr Pepper executive.

Or just a doctor with the last name pepper.

I mean, the odds are about the same.

Hey, boys!

Sign...

Me...

Up.

Whoo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Oh, look.

We have doves. You know doves mate for life?

I did not.

Even though I said I loved you a few weeks ago

and you still haven't told me yet

because, you know, you're a slow-moving wuss,

it's okay...

Because I've never felt this safe with anyone before.

I feel like we're those doves.

I like that.

I don't love that you shared

it with the peanut gallery. He knows how to use

the word "love," so that can't be the problem. Hmm. No. Can't.

Oh, ease up. He's making progress.

Do you guys know who else mates for life? Termites.

Oh, no. I'm writing a screenplay.

It's a cartoon about

a plucky termite princess named Molly

who gets kidnapped and sold into sex slavery.

It's not a kid's movie.

Really? Bug hookers? That's the title.

I'm going home.

Is this a venti or a grande?

You know, I always get confused with coffee sizes,

so I convinced the barista to let me change the names.

I have a largey for... Ellie.

You ruin everything.

Oh, crap. It's that couple who let us share their cabana

that week in key west. What are their names?

Uh, uh, Steven and Nancy Robey.

Okay.

So I named the big ones largeys because...

Shh.

Ellie. Hi.

Steve, Nancers, how are ya?

It's Doug and Tina.

Don't you remember us? I'm gonna go.

Oh, my God. You're a dead man. I can't watch.

You jerk. You always do that to me!

What? What's happening?

A nonfat teeny-tiny for Laurie.

It better have a shot of yum in it, buddy.

Such an ass.

I'm glad you got this boat back on land, where she belongs.

This old girl was not made for the sea.

You're a great putter, Mr. Cobb. How do you stay so focused?

I just keep my brain totally... Pfft! Empty.

I can't ever clear my brain. Like right now I'm thinking,

I'm broke. Why'd I buy this sweater?

Stupid credit crunch. Credit crunch. That sounds good.

You know what sounds even better?

Peanut butter credit crunch.

He doesn't know what you're talking about.

You don't know that there's a big

economic crisis right now?

If something's important,

I usually hear about it from Big Jake.

Big Jake owns the taco stand across the street.

He keeps a pencil in his neck fat, so he's clearly smart.

Look, dad isn't completely oblivious. He's just got

a basic cliffsnotes version of current events.

Dad, the world today... Go. Well, ice is melting,

oil spilt, black president... love it...

people watching movies on their cell phones

and ooh, Lady Gaga.

Oh, look. The Jules dove is chasing the Grayson dove.

How can you tell which one's Grayson?

They both have beady little rat eyes.

And good evening.

I'm the one making finger guns with her tiny little claws.

No, no, honey. Don't... don't dry that.

I wanna give a little bit of water to these roses.

Big news, guys. You know that little patch of hair

he has on his lower back? Ugh.

Vomit. It's my trademark back beard.

I got rid of that while you were sleeping. Ooh!

Don't give me that angry face. That's the burden

of being doves, buddy... Nothing can unravel us.

Aah! Was that a dove?!

How bad was it? Is it me or you?

Honestly, it's kinda hard to tell.

H. Jules Doveiday bonus event. Is giving me the evil eye.

I can't blame her. I took her man away.

It's all gone.

All the things that she thought they'd do together,

the... the places they'd fly. Here it is.

Doves' brains are the size of a tic tac.

Hey, guys. What's up?

Did someone have a pillow fight out here?

Great job, Tom.

You're so desperate to be part of this gang.

Do you think hurting Jules is a good move?

H-how did I...

Do you? Sorry, everyone.

Whoa. There's a dead bird.

Oh, and a real sad one right next to it.

Seriously?! Tom.

Keep walking, Tom. I just feel awful.

I know it sucks,

but this is what happens...

When doves cry.

Oh! There's a little smile.

I'm just gonna have to pull it all the way out. Are you ready?

Here it comes. Ohh! It's a fighter.

Andy, help. Grab me around the waist.

Ellie, I need an eye roll.

Done.

And heave!

Aah! There it is!

Thanks, guys.

Plus, we can make little arm bands,

you know, out of feathers. "Never forget."

Never forget.

What? We were all making jokes and then...

Tom, go!

Trav, at college, we get to learn

something new about the world every day.

Don't you want that for your dad?

This is gonna make you angry,

but he's basically a talking dog. Oh,

no, that doesn't make me angry. We all say that.

We should turn him on to the magazine "The Week."

It basically sums up all of the world's news

without being complicated... No. My dad isn't just my dad, okay?

He's part of the cul-de-sac crew.

You meddle with one of them, the entire group responds.

They're a collective consciousness,

like "children of the corn." "Malachai."

Oh, my God. I let a nerd see me naked.

Look, we spent our Friday night

watching a movie with my mom and her boyfriend.

You are my escape route out of the... friend prison.

But if you get involved in their lives,

then they're just gonna come for you.

Just promise me you won't mess with my dad,

okay? What if I already did?

How can I eat this with all those starving kids in Africa?

What's with talking dog?

He usually doesn't look up from his food bowl until it's empty.