On His Majesty's Secret Service (大內密探零零狗 / Dai noi muk taam 009)

Written by Marine SWS ( for the Cantonese version )

1.1

Why does it take so long ready?

Hurry up! Do you want to be punished?

Unicorn

Your Majesty.

Why aren't they here yet?

Great move, Your Majesty.

Come and help.

Grab the chicken...come on...

Madam is here.

so finally she has come.

Good evening, Your Majesty.

I have been waiting for you for a long time.

Honey, shouldn't you shave your face?

Your beard hurts me.

I did shave it this morning,

but as Your Majesty has noticed, it has grown back.

What can I do?

Well...I got a beard too.

It's a tie then.

Yes, Your Majesty. Let's go to the bedroom.

There are so many beautiful concubines in the palace.

Why does His Majesty always choose the ugly Madam?

The Empress chooses her for His Majesty.

so His Majesty only knows two women.

And the Empress would be the most beautiful one.

Your Highness, the magic mirror from Japan has arrived.

Ha...

Honey, why do you always eat first?

Your Majesty, don't be mad at me.

I'll chop off your head, bastard.

Royal Secret Guards, help!

Royal Secret Guards are here.

Royal Dragon

Royal Rabbit

Royal Snake

Royal Tiger

Who send you here?

Go!

see, my Royal Secret Guards...

protect me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Are you sure?

What did you say?

Japanese.

How come you can speak Japanese?

Because...

Help!

All your Royal Secret Guards are gone.

Wrong.

There is one left.

Help!

Don't worry, Your Majesty.

I am coming.

What is this?

It's the Golden Lock, my new invention.

Beat him up... Yes, Your Majesty.

As a Royal Secret Guard,

I am now putting you under arrest.

You have the right to remain silent, but whatever you say...

will be used as evidence in court.

What is this then?

That's our famous. . .

...human shield.

We enjoyed putting it in public toilets to scare people.

It can be used as a weapon, too.

I am going to get him, Your Majesty.

Madam, this magic mirror can answer any question you ask of it.

Magic mirror, tell me who is the most beautiful woman in the world?

Your Highness, it's you of course.

Really?

No. Just kidding.

What did you say?

Hit me? You wanna die?

What's up? Robbery!

My goodness!

Help!

sorry for coming so late, Your Highness.

Give him a beating.

Let me.

You bastard, you ruined everything.

I am gonna beat you to death.

How come you run so fast?

It's high enough, I am gonna let go.

Thanks.

Royal Dog is really awesome, Brother you are so cool.

Be careful.

I got it.

You'll better disarm and surrender.

Or I will use force.

Whistling for help?

Again.

Bastard, I need to use the cannon.

Look.

Our warriors died for our country.

Eternal umbrella!

Not dead yet.

Hi!

Royal Secret Guards...

love to drink Girlie's Red Wine.

Girlie's Red Wine? What is the matter?

Your Majesty, Girlie's Red...

is the company which sponsors Royal Dog's scientific research.

The Eternal umbrella is made with their money.

I hate product placements in movies.

Execute them!

Yes. Your Majesty!

Royal Rat

Your Majesty.

Your Majesty wants to know...

where did you go last night?

I...

Royal Rat.

You have been practising the "Mighty Iron Body" kung-fu, right?

In case His Majesty is under attack,

then you must use your Mighty Iron Body to shield His Majesty!

Last night, you were still practising,

so you didn't shield His Majesty, right?

Yes, Your Majesty.

I guess that he went to the brothel last night instead of practising kung-fu.

Yeah, why have they got clouds over their heads?

Come on, let's drink...

Royal Rat has been such a loyal servant.

You will be rewarded with a thousand taels of gold,

500 taels should be enough.

Your Majesty, the other 500 taels, how about split it among us...

as our reward?

Last night, Royal Dog and Royal Tiger had worked hard to protect His Majesty.

You two tell me how the money should be divided.

I just want to show Your Majesty my new invention.

Another new invention?

Okay, show it to me.

Your Majesty, this is my new invention...

that will give you full protection.

It's the impenetrable...

Transformer armour.

With this armour, even if all 12 of us are killed,

no one can. . .

...hurt you.

Really?

Yes, Your Majesty.

The beauty of this armour is that...

even a person who doesn't know kung-fu,

when he wears this, he will become a great kung-fu master.

No one can stop him.

Let me try this on...

How does it feel, Your Majesty?

It looks great, but it's too heavy.

I can hardly walk at all. How could I fight?

Your Majesty, with this armour, you don't have to fight at all.

What are you doing? Be respectful.

Your Majesty, when you turn this spring,

it will move on its own.

How does it feel, Your Majesty?

A bit itchy.

Your Majesty, I will try harder.

After wearing the helmet, you are ready to fight, Your Majesty.

Let's go.

That's fun...

Royal Dog, what other functions does it have?

Press the right button and Your Majesty can fly.

Fly...that's awesome. I fly. . .

It works.

Fly...

How does he come down?

Royal Dog, I felt dizzy. How can I come down?

Well, to descend from the sky...

I haven't figured that out yet, Your Majesty.

Never mind, I guess Your Majesty can bump against something and come down.

You're dead, Royal Dog, as soon as I come down.

Royal Dog is in big trouble this time.

His Majesty is coming this way.

What a narrow escape!

Oh no...

Oh my armour...

Your Majesty, my brother is just self-indulgent.

He doesn't mean to do you any harm.

And my brother has always been a weakling.

He will die if Your Majesty keeps hitting him like that.

Please pardon him, Your Majesty.

His butt hurts, right?

Flip him over.

The 500 taels of gold reward will be confiscated...

and every one of you will be deducted 3 months' salary too.

Am I seeing ghosts?

Don't frighten me !

I am here.

I don't mind you coming to see me,

but why show up in the middle of the night and scare the hell out of me?

What are you doing here, Faithfull?

I come here to do your laundry.

What laundry?

You always let those punks do your laundry.

How can they do it well?

Although I am just your fiancee,

I am willing to do your laundry.

I have no objection to your doing my laundry, just...

your parents oppose our marriage.

If I marry you,

they will bring me trouble.