Coffee Wars

Triple shot, extra hot, non-fat latte.

Almond, rice or soy?

Uh, no, just milk. You know, from a cow.

Some people recycle.

We're Plant-arium. We don't serve that here.

You're a coffee place, and you don't serve regular milk-milk?

Some people carry their own bags to the grocery store.

I assume that you can read,

because your nose has been buried in your two phones

since you walked in here.

Some people occasionally hug trees.

Some people cry at the sight of a lumberyard for no apparent reason.

So why don't you use your eyeballs and read the sign, okay?

- That's a joke, right? - Uh, a joke?

She's not really having a good day.

Some people swore off parmesan on pasta even though they love it

because it's a milk product.

'Cause people like you, lining up to kick the planet in the teeth,

demanding cow's milk...

Some people live in a solar-powered home

and live on battery power at night.

Which is just pure straight-up cruelty to animals.

Dairy farmers artificially inseminate cows

so that they stay in a perpetual pregnant state of milk production.

And then when their babies are born,

they are torn away from them and sold for veal.

Some people collect their own rainwater

and take showers heated by the sun, or cold baths.

And then they are milked and milked and milked

until their bones are so brittle that they can't even stand.

- Did you know that? - Wow.

And some people want to make a difference,

even if they are often certifiable.

Don't even get me started on the feed and the grain that they consume!

- Okay, when the oceans are filling with acid... - Holy shit.

And there's an asshole ripped in the ozone layer all because

- arrogant, head-in-the-sand pricks like you... - Wow.

Want a little cow's milk in your coffee,

don't come crying to me!

'Cause I'm too busy in here trying to save the planet

for you and your kids!

I don't have kids.

Get out!

- Hey. - Go to Buckstars.

- Hey. - My coffee is too good for you.

I, I just wanted a coffee!

Hey, Jo, do you think I can get an advance on my paycheck?

Is this a fucking charity?

Meet Jo Hanson.

Fuck!

That will be a no then.

This is her single source,

organic, plant-based, straw-less,

100% compostable, lactose-free coffee shop.

And this is the planet Earth. So very warm.

This is a cheeseburger. So very juicy.

Some people believe global warming is a hoax.

And some people could care less if we burn down the Amazon

as long as they get more big, juicy cheeseburgers.

Okay, so the planet is getting warmer,

the ice is melting, people love cheeseburgers.

I'm not Morgan Freeman,

but heroes come in all shapes and sizes.

This one is from a small farm on the outskirts of London,

where our story of true valor begins.

Her name is Josephine.

She prefers Jo.

It's wrong.

Pulling and pushing at you like you're a piece of meat.

The way they yank and twist your privates.

You feel violated?

You don't need to say anything, Daisy.

I want you to know, from this moment on,

I will never drink so much as a thimbleful of the milk

they extract from you.

I appreciate these one-on-ones. Fist bump?

It's not Daisy anymore.

That's a nice bit of T-bone, that. Quality stuff.

I will never eat it.

Never is such an awfully long time.

Is that the way you think she should be remembered?

As not good enough to eat?

The trauma of that had a lasting impression on her.

She grew up,

traded the Stingray with the banana seat

for an electric scooter.

Her motto: Zero, neutral,

non-GMO, locally sourced, fair trade, pesticide free,

happy planet, happy cow, anti-plastic,

with shoes hand-stitched by free-range workers

making a living wage under the eco-friendly glow

of LED, energy-efficient light bulbs.

Cappuccino with rice milk.

- Thank you. - Enjoy.

Why does she always do that?

That's Angelo Moriondo,

the inventor of, like, the espresso machine.

Jo believes he's, like, the patron saint of coffee or something.

But I don't know.

- Is that a penis? - No.

It's a, it's a tree stump with two rocks on either side of it

and a cascade of wispy flowers flowing from the split at the top.

Professional competitive baristas make patterns in the milk,

and generally not pornographic ones.

So perhaps this one is a tree stump with wispy white flowers

flowing from the split in the top and not a ding-dong.

Roopa, maybe we should stick to hearts and ferns,

- rosettas, you know, in the milk. - Fine.

World Barista Championship.

50,000 cash prize. Enter today.

World Barista Championship.

Could pay off that loan.

Hi, Mom. I was just about to call you.

She was just gonna ring us

- when we called. - And pigs fly south for the winter.

Jo's mother and father are simple dairy farmers,

yet they share the same passion for quality coffee with patterns in the milk.

Is everything all right, petal?

It's just a little bit tough at the moment, but...

Oh, no, what's the matter?

- It's money, Joan. She needs money. - Shut up, Raymond.

- What did he say? - Oh, he's just grinding his beans.

You know how much he loves his coffee.

Double tamp and twist.

Well, maybe it's time you went back to college

and finished that accounting degree.

And then you can come and take over the dairy.

And you can always make your coffee here.

- Your dad does. - Bye, Mom.

Tell Dad not to burn his beans,

- yeah? - Bye, love.

She makes a good coffee,

but without milk. Bloody hopeless.

Do you want one? It's a swan.

Boss wants you to sign for the beans.

And if you don't pay for this one,

I'm not allowed to deliver to you next week.

- I don't make the rules. - Well, that's fair enough, Ray.

Talking about the details and minutiae

of caffeinated beans really turns her on.

Well, I mean, you might be able to

slide one, maybe two weeks.

Don't suppose you wanna tell me anything about these sexy coffee beans?

No.

Well, maybe a couple of odd tidbits.

I've discovered a correlation between the flavor profiles

of beans picked at different altitudes

and the taste preferences of the people

consuming the coffee made by those beans.

People who live at sea level prefer bolder,

more dominant flavors.

Whereas those living at high altitudes,

they like their coffee softer

gentler, more, um, sensuous.

More coffee talk, please.

Let's start with Arabic a beans.

Oh, God.

Hi, Stoney.

I'm very busy. Can't see you right now.

More like...

Oh, just stop it. Sit down. I never used a bong.

My name is Katina McQueen.

Stoney is pregnant. One night in high school,

while completely wasted on the ganja, Jo kissed her.

Stoney has been in love with Jo ever since.

I haven't been Stoney McQueen for a very long time.

- Since school! - Sorry.

Oh, wow, look at this. "Assistant manager."

Yes, I am. Look, I can't keep doing you favors.

I mean, what is next, you know?

Manager of this magnificent establishment?

I'm not fucking around. You have to make a payment now or you're done!

I've got 100 quid, all right? So we're square?

No, not even close.

Maybe I will let it slide for a couple of weeks until my boss gets back.

He's at a conference in Ibiza.

They got one of those dance floors that fills up with foam.

- I love foam. - What, up to your neck?

It's fucking scary. You could drown.

They wouldn't find you for weeks. They party 24/7.

And when the boss gets back?

Well, then you're entirely fucked.

Look, why don't you compete again?

Jo Hanson, Plant-arium Roasters.

Worked for Rudy down at Avante Garden.

Um, Rudy got lucky, okay?

- He entered in a weak year. - Oh, what, twice?

Hello, Josephine.

Come to see how the professionals do it?

It's Jo. And I just wanna make sure

you're not fucking things up around here.

Right, right. I'm fucking things up.

That's why the line runs all the way out the door

and round the block at five o'clock in the afternoon.

- What, you got some kind of coupon voucher giveaway going? - No.

I know last time was a complete and utter disaster,

but if you can hold it together this time...

Well, you know, if you ever wanna sell that La Marzocco,

I could use a second machine, especially in the late afternoons.

Piccolo, doppio Ethiopian with almond milk.