Wellington Paranormal

All right, mate, just focus on the end of my pen for a second, would you?

Ah, no touching. Just look at it.

What are we doing?

So, what we have here is a young man doing pizza deliveries in the area.

He called us to report an attack on Kurimarama Street.

His scooter's been damaged and his pizzas have been stolen.

Um, we're having a bit of trouble getting the exact details from the victim.

I can do about seven minutes of kung fu. Yep.

It was trippy, man. Yeah, I know it was trippy, mate.

You've said it was trippy 23 times. Oh!

So, who should we be on the lookout for, sir? You know, we need some characteristics, so - height, uh-

Yeah, this thing was massive- ...what was he wearing- It was, like, huge!

Far, bro. WRITES: Massive. So, large?

Yep, so that's- 'Far.'

So, it's a large build? Yeah, large- Was that last one 'bro'?

Yeah, it was barking and growling heaps,

and then it took the pizzas, and then he came up to me,

and he was like - (GROWLS), and then it gapped it.

Sir, was this a dog? Uh, yeah.

Hey, mate, do we look like Animal Control to you? (MUMBLES)

Scratch marks through here. Destroyed the chassis.

Meatlovefls pizza's completely gone. Oh, man.

That comes out of my pay. Vegetarian's untouched, though.

Sir, sir-Can you think of anything you could tell us about this dog which would help us to identify it?

Oh, yeah... The dog -

he was wearing jeans.

Jeans?

Oh yeah, that dog problem's only getting worse. Mm.

Do you know, I've lost eight kitties to that house down there over the past year.

Is that number 92? Yes.

That bloody place.

You know, I used to be a cat lady, but now I'm just...

I'm just a lady.

We've had reports about this property behind us.

Sounds like they've got some pretty serious animal control- What now?

Are you lot here to hassle me again?

Evening. G'day, mate. How are you?

Don't you go blaming my dogs, mate. These are the only two that are left.

Three of them are missing already.

So you're telling us you've had pets go mnssnng from your property? Yeah.

I had one stolen from my van last night.

Could we just have a wee look at the van? Yeah.

Yeah, you're not gonna be able to drive this for a while, mate.

Uh, yeah, it looks like your dog's been extracted from the outside.

Look, someone found a dog skeleton in the graveyard.

I'm afraid it might be my Britney.

Sir? Si- Sir. I don't want any drama.

OK. Beyonce and Rihanna, they're scared enough as it is.

That's why they're always barking - cos they're scared.

I'm not hearing any barking. They're not- They don't seem to be barking any more.

Ri-Ri? Be-Be?

Ri-Ri?

Be - Be?

Come here.

Ri-Ri! (WHISTLES)

So in summary, we've established that both Ri-Ri and Be-Be have been abducted from the premises.

So we're now on the lookout for a large dog.

Urn, it's probably very hungry. Mm-hm,and cold- only wearing jeans.

OK, and cold. It's obviously very aggressive.

It's been terrorizing people and pets in the neighbourhood. Mm.

Um, so we wanna get on to that and track it down as soon we can.

Get it off the streets as soon as possible.

What if this dog thing's paranormal?

What, like a ghost dog? Well, he's supposed to be pretty big.

Yeah, but have you seen how big dogs get these days? What are we talking?

Look at him. He's huge. Yeah, but maybe the woman's just really little.

That's hilarious. All he needs is a little hat. (LAUGHS) Yeah.

Oh, that one's Photoshopped.

Definitely Photoshopped. That annoys me.

Go back to that other one, there,

with the little one riding on the big one's back. Now, you see there? Mm.

The little paws look like little hands. Hang on, I'll-

That's just a normal dog. Hey, I've got a sausage roll in my pocket.

I got it from the lunch room. You wanna go halves? Is that in a serviette?

I can hold the Taser if it's getting heavy.

It's my week with the Taser, Minogue. I know, I know.

But just if it's gonna help you out, cos it looks like it's getting heavy.

Minogue, what is it about the system of, 'one week with the Taser. One week without the Taser',

that you don't understand? No, I'm all for the system. We came up with the system together.

But it looks like the Taser's pointing at the ground a little bit, like you're getting tired.

It's my week with the Taser, Minogue, OK?

You're driving. You drove, OK? So I've got the Taser.

Look, it's really simple.

Did you hear that?

What, that really loud howling noise (?)

Yep, what do you think it was?

Was it a ruru?

I don't think it was a native bird, Minogue.

Just being hopeful.

Look, it sounded more... canine.

You know, like, dog-like. Yeah.

I was thinking it was kind of... lupine, you know?

Like, wolf-like.

Did you just Google that word? What?

Yeah, I did.

Look, we don't even have wolves in New Zealand.

Yeah, but what if it was a werewolf, O'Leary?

Doubt it was a werewolf. Hm.

It's a werewolf!

It's definitely a werewolf!

There it is!

Hey!

Ready Taser. Ready Taser.

Readying Taser. Taser ready.

It went this way.

Should we call for back-up? They could bring the other Taser.

Ma'am, ma'am, are you OK?

Oh, shit.

You didn't happen to see a huge creature pass by here, did you?

Minogue, she's obviously been attacked by it.

Good point.

She's on the ground. She's got scratches on her leg. I'll make a note.

Minogue, help me help her up.

Oh, yep, sorry. Sorry.

One, two, three - upsy-daisy.

What the hell?

What happened?

I don't know, officer.

I No idea, mate. I

Uh, Comms, we're bringing in a young woman who's been attacked.

No medical's required, but we'd like to get a statement. Over.

What's the nature of the attack? Speak more, please.

We have reason to believe that the perpetrator is a were-

...Warehouse worker.

Uh, did you say a Warehouse worker?

Uh, no, I think he just- We're still determining the nature of the attacker.

We're just going through a couple of options now,

but we'll have more information as it comes to hand.

But they may have... worked at the Warehouse?

There's my ex's house.

He was meant to call me up tonight, but he didn't, the bastard.

Unbelievable. Classic.

I would never do that in a relationship. Oh, you reckon (!)

I'm always- I'm very trustworthy. That's what they all reckon.

And, uh, all of my ex-girlfriends have had nothing but nice things to say about me.

Push that button, the light comes on.

Yeah, but you need to turn that beep off. It's always beeping.

OK, guys, calm down. It's not an ACIDC concert.

Sorry I'm late. I had to rush in unexpectedly.

Uh, is that why you've got your pyjama shirt on instead of your normal shirt, sir?

Correct, O'Leary. Great detective work.

OK, first some good news to start off with -

Donovan and Lopepe stopped two armed robbers at the BP service station the other night - great job.

And the picture that the department put up of the kitten in the police hat got 743 likes.

Yeah.

It's got us a lot of attention. Mostly positive.

All right, let's be careful out there, guys.

It's a full moon tonight. Gonna be a lot of crazies.

All right, dismissed.

Sarge, can we have a word, please?

Yeah, what is it, guys?

We've got another paranormal case.

Not another haunted sock, is it?

I don't know how that mouse got into my sock, sir. It was a weird one-off.

No, look, we believe we've got a woman who has survived an attack from a werewolf.

Nah- Shh! You can't use that word outside of the secret office.

OK. Right.

Where is she? She's in the interrogation room, Sarge.

After you. Lead the way.

The last thing I remember - I was having my whisky,

and these were jeans.

Yeah, but those are awesome now, aren't they? They're better than they would have been as jeans.

Yeah, as much as I want to believe, I just don't think the nature of her injuries came from a lycanthrope.

Do you reckon a guy could get away with wearing something like that? What?

Sarge, what about the scratches all over her?

They don't match the scratches of a motorcycle. Those are twig scratches.

Anyway, tonight, did you happen to see a huge creature?

Possibly lupine in nature. Eh? I don't know.

I was wasted, man.

Hang on a minute...

I sort of remember seeing these, like...

Sort of, these, like, huge claws in front of my face.

See? Claws. Plus we saw a werewolf.

You saw one for real?

We saw its eyes.

Oh, its eyes (!) Are there large dogs in the area? Or are there other things with eyes?

Yeah, but, look, the pizza-delivery guy remembered seeing a dog wearing jeans.

Is that right? Right, need to show you something. Both of you.

Take a seat, eh.

Don't go anywhere.

Little police humour, there.

Check this out.

This pug here - stone-washed jeans.

This bulldog - skinny jeans.

And this chihuahua - also jeans, and Chuck Taylors.

See, point is, sometimes dogs wear jeans.

What do you Google to get those? Oh, I follow Dogsinjeans and DressedUpPups.

They're both Tumblr accounts. Oh.

Just something I do to relieve the stress of the job.

Now, check this out.

This is a pug in a full tuxedo, eh.

What a charmer! What's he up to?

Is he at the premier of his own movie, is he? (LAUGHS)

Anyway, take this woman home. I'm afraid this one's another haunted sock.