Clerks II

Yeah, I got a fire at the Quick Stop.

Yeah.

Terrorists?

I left the coffee pot on again, didn't I?

Shit!

Now where am I gonna bring chicks to fuck

when my mom's home?

(Talking Heads' "Nothing But Flowers"intro playing)

# Here we stand #

# Like an Adam and an Eve #

# Waterfalls #

# The Garden of Eden #

# Two fools in love #

# So beautiful... #

So, ready for your big last day?

I am.

When do you and your old lady head down to Florida?

Tomorrow morning.

Car's all packed up.

You gonna do anything crazy

before you leave New Jersey forever?

How long have you known me?

If I were you, I'd spray-paint "eat pussy"

across the side of the building in huge letters.

Why?

Let 'em know you were there, man.

I'd rather let them know I'm not an asshole.

Too late for that.

I'm really gonna miss you, man.

# Hey #

# Once there were parking lots #

# Now it's a peaceful oasis #

# You've got it, you've got it #

# This was a Pizza Hut #

# Now it's all covered with daisies #

# You've got it, you've got it #

# I miss the honky-tonks, Dairy Queens and 7-Elevens #

# You've got it, you've got it #

# And as things fell apart #

# Nobody paid much attention #

# You've got it, you've got it #

# Years ago #

# I was an angry young man... #

I can't believe they haven't done anything with it yet.

The Lord did something with it.

He smited that hellhole.

Listen to you.

Do you mean to tell me

you don't miss that place at all?

: God, no.

Do you?

Of course not.

# I wish I had a lawnmower #

# You've got it, you've got it #

# #

# #

# #

# I dream of cherry pies #

# Candy bars and chocolate chip cookies #

# You've got it, you've got it #

# Don't leave me stranded here #

# I can't get used to this lifestyle. #

# Grandma, what was it like #

# To be on that holiday site? #

Get the fuck out of here!

# Grandma said, "Do come in, my little friend." #

You know, sometimes I wish I did a little more with my life

instead of hanging out in front of places selling weed and shit.

Like, maybe be an animal doctor.

Why not me?

I like seals and shit.

Or maybe an astronaut.

Yeah.

Like, be the first motherfucker to see a new galaxy

or find a new alien life-form...

and fuck it.

And people'd be like, "There he goes.

Homeboy fucked a Martian once."

Holy shit.

Our first customer since our triumphant return.

Act cool.

Hold on.

Yeah, you guys holdir?

Shit, everything but coke, heroin and your cock.

What?

How about a nickel bag, man?

: Oh, 15 bucks, little man.

Put that shit in my hand.

# Nong, nong, nagga- nagga-nong-nong. #

He likes to sing.

So, uh, I haven't seen you guys in a while, man.

Where you been all this time?

Me and Silent Bob finally bought a car,

we're cruising down to the Boardwalk...

fucking Middletown cop pulls us over

for Suspicion of Mischief.

What the fuck does that mean?

We were driving around with a deployed airbag.

The cops pull us over.

They find two pounds of Jamaican lambswool.

Prosecutor wants to put us away for a dime,

but the judge gives us rehab instead.

Shit, rehab?

Yup-yup.

How long were you in?

Six months, sir.

We got six months and two days on the wagon

as a good friend of Bill W.'s.

Check it out.

Just got it two days ago, before we got out.

Yeah, but if you're holding all the time,

aren't you gonna be tempted to get high?

Oh, not with the power of Christ on my side, sir.

Is that a fuckir Bible?

Hey, hey, the Holy fuckir Bible, son!

What the fuck kind of songbird Jesus-freak dealer

did you bring me to?

: I like them, man. They're funny.

They're fuckir stupid.

You should read your Bible, sirs.

You'll find all types of weird shit in there.

Like, did you know Jesus was a Jew?

Yeah.

I need two Egga-Mooby Muffins,

and we're almost out of hash browns.

Hold on.

Now, Randal!

What are you writing over there, anyway,

your memoirs?

I'm battling

this jackass on his blog's message board.

About what?

On how he's got too much free time and no life.

So does the guy who's flaming him on his Web site.

I can't help it. The guy pisses me off.

It's this fuck in a wheelchair

that's always preying on everyone's sympathies,

writing these long diatribes about how he'll never walk again

and how walkers should appreciate the blessings

of their functioning legs.

That diatribe, as you call it,

sounds like some poor crippled guy

pouring out his heart and feelings.

Oh, fuck him, man.

Trying to guilt me into walking around more

because he's all gimped out?

What kind of mind-fuck is that shit?

So I've been getting into it with him,

throwing it back in his stupid crippy-boy face

about how I love to just sit around

and how I'd rather drive to the end of the block than walk.

The guy's in a wheelchair.

Yeah. That's why I called him crippy-boy.

Have a good one.

You fuckir freak.

I'm not even gonna point out the irony here.

What's the matter with you?

What'd I do now?

There's a crippled guy who found a way

to reach out to a world he feels isolated from,

and you somehow found a way to take issue with him.

Sure, take his side.

Have you become so embittered

that you now feel the need to attack the handicapped?

What handicap?

The guy's just in a wheelchair.

It's not like he's Anne Frank or something.

Anne Frank?

Yeah, Anne Frank, the chick that was all...

...till the miracle worker showed up

and knocked some smarts into her.

: You're talking

about Helen Keller.

No, I'm not. I'm talking about Anne Frank.

She was deaf, dumb and blind.

No, she wasrt.

Helen Keller was deaf, dumb and blind.

Are you sure?

Yup.

Then who the fuck's Anne Frank?

Anne Frank's the little Jewish girl

who hid from the Nazis

in a secret room with her family.

She wrote a diary.

Oh, yeah.

Well, then, I guess this guy is like Anne Frank,

what with the diary, you know?

No, he's like Helen Keller with the handicap, you jerk!

You always got to be right, don't you?

You Nazi douche bag.

What? What do you want?

No, we don't serve Cow Tippers in the morning.

Freedom Toast is a possibility.

# #

Oh, we totally do.

All right, that'll be $12.64.