Romancing the Stone

What's it gonna be, Angelina?

It was Grogan

the dirtiest, dumbest excuse for a man

west of the Missouri River.

You can die two ways, angel.

Quick, like the tongue of a snake...

or slower than the molasses in January.

But it was October...

I'll kill ya, damn it, if it's the Fourth of July!

Where is it?!

Get over there!

I told him to get out...

now that he had what he came for.

Not quite, angel.

Take 'em off. Do it!

Come on!

Agh!

That was the end of Grogan,

the man who killed my father...

raped and murdered my sister,

burned my ranch...

shot my dog

and stole my Bible!

But if there was one law of the West...

bastards had brothers...

who seemed to ride forever.

But suddenly there he was,

my beloved Jessie!

He was the one man I trusted,

the only man.

My heart leapt as I watched him ride near.

I could barely wait to feel the warmth of his touch!

At the moment his lips met mine...

I knew that we would never again be apart.

I knew then that we would spend the rest of our lives together!

Forever!

Oh, God, that's good!

The...

End.

Oh!

Oh.

I finished, sweetheart.

You wanna celebrate? Hm?

So do I.

Romeo, Romeo! Where art thou, Romeo?

Yeah!

Hey, it's Bumble Bee, kiddo!

Just so you know,

I spare no expense when I celebrate.

Here's looking at you, Jessie...

whoever you are.

Are you finished?

Thank you.

Oh, come here, Romeo.

Hello?

- Hello? - (hangs up)

Oh, my God, Romeo. Is that the time?

Gloria! I'm gonna be late.

Oh!

- Hi. - Oh, hi, pumpkin.

Mrs lrwin,

why won't you take the elevator?

Oh, pumpkin, I never get in an elevator alone.

You know - rapists.

Where are you running off to?

Oh, I've got to get to my publisher's.

By the way,

the mailman couldn't fit this into your box...

so I told him I'd give it to you.

That's some love letter.

Mrs lrwin, you're a tease.

I know, but I keep hoping for you, pumpkin.

Hey, lady! How about a monkey for your nephew?

- I'll give you it for $10! Great deal! - Oh, no, I don't...

It's really nice! Your boyfriend'll love it. It's kinda kinky.

$9. $8, bottom line.

Thank you, but I really don't need a monkey.

But, lady, it's kinda cute! Look.

Hey! That's Miss Wilder's apartment.

Can I help you?

Excuse me.

Get away from that door!

What's this?

Wimp. Wimp.

Loser.

Major loser.

Too angry.

Too vague.

Too desperate.

God, too happy!

Oh! Look at this guy. Mr Mondo-dizmo. I actually used to date him.

Total sleaze bucket.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Hold everything.

Get a load of this character.

Now what about him?

No, he... he's just not...

Who? Jessie?

Maybe it's silly,

but I know that there is somebody out there for me.

Oh, yeah? Where?

Certainly not here.

Gloria, why do we always have to have this same conversation?

Because I like you, Joan,

and I hate to see you all alone...

waiting for somebody who's not gonna show up.

OK, Gloria.

Here it is.

Mm!

Read it and weep.

I always do.

- I'll call you, OK? - Oh, come on. Have another grasshopper.

- I can't. - I'm your publisher. I'm ordering you to.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I even dragged you to this place.

I just wanted you to get out.

I know how hard you've been working.

I know you're upset about your sister.

Come on. How is she? Have you heard from her?

Elaine? I spoke to her last week.

She's still in Colombia.

Have they... found her husband's body yet?

Just the one... piece.

You know what's really creepy?

I got this package from Eduardo from Colombia.

Must have been mailed just before he...

God!

Can you imagine how awful...?

Having your husband murdered!

How is she holding up?

Oh, she'll be fine. Elaine always...

manages.

Dos, tres, cuatro...

Uno, dos, tres...

Hey, lra.

The kid's here with the broad.

They're taking her to the boat.

Look at these snappers, will ya?

We shoulda just rifled her room.

Ralph, how many times do I have to tell you?

It's not in the country.

This kidnapping stuff makes me real nervous.

Agh!

It's a piss-poor idea. It's nothing but trouble.

Look.

We've stolen enough of these antique trinkets...

to keep us living comfortably for the rest of our lives.

Let's kiss off this Third World toilet.

One last big one.

Trust me, Ralph. Trust me.

Whoa!

Did you see that, Ralph?

That ugly, striped son of a bitch down there?

Somebody's gonna get killed, and you fart around with prehistoric animals!

Come on, lra. Let's forget this one.

I got a real bad feeling about it. Real bad!

Will you stop worrying?

Have I ever hurt you?

I will never hurt you. I can't hurt you.

We got the same blood.

We're not two people. We are one person.

Would I hurt me?

Look at those snappers, Ralph.

Oh, Romeo! Oh, baby! Oh!

- (phone rings) - (Joan screams)

- Hello? - Hello, Joan?

Can you hear me?

Elaine? I can't talk right now.

Listen to me. Listen very carefully.

I'm in trouble.

Elaine, please!

Joanie, I am in real trouble!

- What's the matter? - Has any mail been forwarded to you...

with Eduardo's handwriting on it? Any big envelope?

- Yes. - Oh! Honey...

see if there's some kind of treasure map inside.

It says... El Corazón.

I need you

to bring that map to me in Colombia.

Colombia?!

My God! What kind of trouble are you in?

Joanie, please...

Get to the Hotel Cartagena

in Cartagena.

When you arrive, call this number.

64-58-24.

- Are you writing this down? - Uh, yes.

And remember, you mustn't tell anybody!

Elaine...

I can't go to Colombia.

Joanie?

They'll cut me. They'll hurt me!

Colombia?! Do you know what it's like there?

I do! Your books do very well in these macho countries.

They have jungles there, Joanie.

Insects the size of sanitation trucks!

Revolutionaries! Have you had your shots?

Shots? What shots?

See? You're completely unprepared. Wait a minute.

Would you tell me what's going on?